The Thoughts of Me...

2008-01-08T02:33:00.000-07:00

My new years resolution is to try and get over what you did to me last year.

And then maybe I might be able to learn what intimacy is again.
How I am going to do that I don't know. I tried all my usual tactics but still it doesn't work. It will be a year tomorrow since it happened and I just want the nightmares to end and to try and move on.

Is that too much to try and achieve this year?

2007-12-21T01:17:00.000-07:00

I hate what you have helped me become.

Without saying a word you hold your power over my head everyday. And the silence is your power, as you know I would never be able to speak the truth. And of course it is thrown in my face everyday and I have no way of escaping.

I could have turned it all into my advantage but instead I let it eat me from the inside. To the point of no-one else even understands me anymore.

You rule the nightmares in my dreams that never seem to disappear. You seen to take pleasure in coming back to haunt me as you know I now will not break.

But I blame myself for what I let you make me become. I just don't know if I could deal with the guilt of knowing that you did the same thing again and destroyed their life as much as you have done to mine...

2007-12-20T02:45:00.000-07:00

So the big adventure into the unknown has not turned out to be so great. What really have I achieved in my 2 years out here. In my eyes pretty much nothing.
I have had more stuff happen to me that I would ever wish upon anybody. And of course no-one out here knows anything about it. If people out here don't know about it then I can try to forget about it - somehow. Other than when it comes and finds me in my nightmares. And the people who I did break down and tell, they are pretty much non-existant parts of my life now.
Something needs to give.

I am so happy that this thing still works. And from what I can figure out no-one uses theirs anymore. So maybe I will finally get some anonymousity.

Blah, blah, blah

2006-02-12T22:39:00.000-07:00

Work was so frickin' dead today it was unbelievable. Put it this way I spent 6 & 1/2 hours by myself before anyone even showed up in the bar. And then it was a couple of regulars they noticed I was by myself and decided they felt sorry for me so instead of going for a drive they stayed and had drinks. It was really sweet of them and the last hour and a half flew by which was good. But now I understand why no-one else wanted to work sundays and I have ended up with every sunday. I think the bit that made it worse is that I have nearly finished a 6 day shift and it has been a slow week. I so want Tuesday to come quickly!!!!!
It's getting quite bad when I can't remember what day of the week it is anymore and can't remember when things happened yesterday or today. It just seems to have all merged into one. SO NOT GOOD!!!!!!!!
The only good thing about working a 6 day shift is I get to listen to good music all day every day. And as you peeps know who read this thing from before I like my music. However the only down side of it all is the list of albums I want to get now is getting huge - whoopsie. I just guess I will put it next to my wish list and carry on adding to it. And maybe some day if I become rich i will be able to get half of it. It's quite amusing at work though I have kinda kept my music thing to myself and no one really knows how much I live on music. To be honest I kinda like it that way right now. I don't want my past with the whole singing thing to come out and I know if the music obsession came out the singing and crap would just follow. I will just have to see what happens and if I can keep my past to myself.

Drink of the day: Porn Star - Blue crackle, Red Sour Puss and 7up.

New year, new place, new life

2006-02-08T22:54:00.000-07:00

Well I know it's been about nearly 4 months now since I last posted on this thing but I'm guessing life just happened and flew by like normal. (I wonder if anyone even reads this thing anymore?)
The month in sweden in november, was good but had it's difficult patches in equal measures. Then a week left in england, was so peachy keen - not!! That week I finally found out the people who were my friends and the people who weren't and like those things go the salt is still stinging in the wounds.
But I can finally say I made it to the other side of the world and have been living in Canada now for 2 months exactly to the day. (Yeah you read that right 2 months!! So maybe I have proven all those doubters wrong now!)
I have found myself a job at the local village bar (The Bugtussel) and am now half way through my fourth week and it seems to be going well. The locals all seem to like me as I have a funky accent which they can take the piss out of- which is fine by me. Plus it's also a very good conversation starter I have realised, so maybe the evil accent I have has some use after all.
Working in a bar is quite a new one on me but I seem to be finding my feet pretty well, other than when people start asking for drinks which I have never heard of and then I have serious brain dead issues. But it seems to be going that I learn a new drink every day which seems to be going well, if I remember them all that is. I have come to realise that Alix is one small village as I found out 2 weeks ago. A guy came into work and said " Hi meghan" and I was like hi, I never met him before in my life and already he knew my name. It was weird but nice in the same way. (More about that guy in another post at some point). So now at work I known as the Englsih chick by half of the locals who can't remember names and that is fine by me.
And on the home front, living with my brother and his family is actually going really well. I have learnt so much about all of them which there would be no way of finding out if I was still in England. And I am now happy to say that I have a great relationship with my neice and nephew. It is so nice after coming back from work by a smiling face and a hug from my neice shouting "tanty meghan you're home!". Plus getting upset and down in this household doesnt work too well. As all I have to do is look at my neice and nephew and within a few seconds one of them will have me smiling and laughing. I also think that me and Brit are finally figuring each other out after how mnay years and we aren't complete strangers to each other anymore.
I'm not trying to make out that it has all been fantastic since getting becuase it hasn't. It has only been in the last week or so that I finally stopped having daily thoughts of have I made a huge mistake moving over here? Having no friends and no one other than brit and charly to talk to as well is really hard. Yeah talking to my friends back in england and sweden on the net is great but it is not the same as a phonecall or seeing them in person. Plus now working means the chances of trying to catch any of them online is now becoming slimmer and slimmer. Plus not having the computer working for about a week didn't help matters but that is for another post and another day. The only way I seem to be getting through all of this is by reminding myself continously that I made this decision so if this difficult I can't blame anyone but myself for it. It hasn't helped that my emails to people across the pond have been becoming more and more infrequent. But I guess I am still stuck in a mind set which is working, that if I don't think about my friends that I don't miss them. So by not emailing them then I don't miss them. It sounds stupid but that is my brain so very illogical and unique to my thinking.
However I can safely say after 2 months being here I finally think I am starting to settle in and finding my feet in Canada. I am just seeing what life brings to me now. Anyway time to sleep for me as I have my 2nd day of a 6 day work shift tomorrow and I need all the beauty sleep I can get, hopefully it will change this ugly mug of mine.

Drink for the day: Vodka paralyzer - Vodka, creme de cacao, shot of coke and milk.

2005-10-22T16:52:00.000-06:00

I feel so scared and lonely right now.

2005-10-20T10:56:00.000-06:00

Dyed my hair today - so now have new nice colourful hair - WOOP WOOP!!!!

Found the best new snack - roasted broad beans... Mmmmmmmm.

It's only 12 days until sweden - YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!

So it's still box madness, and trying to sort and pack everything up for moving and for my trip to sweden.

Im going up to Derbyshire on the weekend and doing the first lot of goodbye's. I will be so happy to be back up there again and back to my childhood home.

This really, really made me laugh- thanks chris!

2005-10-13T12:33:00.000-06:00

Oh my just look whatt it brings up!!.........
1.) go to google
2.) type in "failure" without the quotes
3.) press the I'm feeling lucky button (instead of the google search one)
and
4.) Laugh

Hurry, before the good folks at google "fix" this....

2005-10-12T17:06:00.000-06:00

Question Time:
Does anyone know the score of the Edmonton/Canucks game on saturday night?

How do you pack everything you need to move country into 35kgs?

I realised today I only have 27 days left in England until I move and I am now officially scared. I don't think it had hit me properly what I am actually doing but it has now. I don't regret the decision I have made, but it scares me so much. This is so not a me thing to do, go off to a new country, with barely no money, no job, no permanent plans and no friends near by. I think I am completely off my rocker doing this! I think the insanity has finally taken over.

Stupid British TV Schedulers!!!

2005-10-11T16:54:00.000-06:00

Stupid tv programme schedulers over here have hacked NHL - Damn rude twats!!! They are still showing NFL every weekend, so why not NHL?! It's not at all fair!! Yet another damn good reason to be leaving this idiotic country!

I am proud to say I can now make a full thanksgiving meal for the family by myself- yay go me!! Except for this stupid country doesn't sell tinned pumpkin or cranberries because they are supposedly out of season. Wait until American Thanksgiving and the shops will be full of pumpkin, turkeys and cranberries. But I coped, I now have lots of fingers with chunks of skin missing from peeling and hacking pumpkin but the outcome was worth it. Mmmmm I get turkey soup tomorrow!

The rangers were great lastnight and I ran an evening all about Canadian Thanksgiving and they were made honorary Canadians for the evening. It was so special to me that the girls wanted to know about the things I celebrate through my heritage. And they all officially love pumpkin pie which is quite an achievement I think.

It was my parents 35th wedding anniversary yesterday and I am so proud to be their daughter. They truly are a couple who meant what they said when they made their wedding vows however difficult it has been for them over the years. If I ever find a tiny piece of the love with someone like the love they share together I will be a very happy person.

I have given up trying to get pics on my blog for the moment cos my computer just wont do it. It is slowly dying away but it has done me very well and I am just glad I get rid of it very soon! But when I get to sweden I can use my friends digital camera and her compy and will be able to put lots of pics up from my swedish adventures. WOOHOO- hopefully more exciting blog to come!

Brain in a blender!

2005-10-06T10:49:00.000-06:00

I have wanted for so many days now but everytime I try to I just don't have the words. I don't have the words to explain how I feel or to make sense of what I am thinking.

My head just feels like someone has put it into a blender and I am now meant to make some sense of it.

I booked my flights last Friday. I am now going to Canada without the rest of my family. They will eventually be coming over when the house is sold and sorted but I am going by myself before them. I fly out on the 8th December and will be moving in with my brother and his family for the first month or so until I get the money together to rent my own apartment.

But before that I am going to go have fun in Sweden for a month and spend some quality chill out time with my friends over there. Go and be me for a while where people except me for me. It's what I need right now! So I leave on the 1st November and come back the the 30th November. I am was very impressed I got my flights including tax for Â£30 (return).

Not happy- last night they were meant to show the opening night of the NHL but they decided to put flippin motor cross trials on instead! So now I have to wait until next week to see if they show any of the highlights! Damn rude television programmers!

I suck at IT

2005-09-23T13:43:00.000-06:00

I don't like my blog anymore!!! It's really boring compared to everyone else's, I want to pics and stuff on it but I don't know how :( Maybe if I had actually gone to those IT key skills lessons for 3 years then I would have some clue. It's like how do I even put links on properly. It's just really, really annoying especially as I got a whole bunch of pics back today. GRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Time to hide from the world

2005-09-20T16:44:00.000-06:00

I want to write so much and have wanted to write a lot for the last few days. But whenever it comes to doing it the words don't come and I just don't have the energy. Which just pushes my frustration levels even further than they are already are. But I will write properly in the next few days when my head is slightly better.
But in brief-

My family are driving me absolutely insane and more cracks seem to be showing up between us. My sister and her hubby came down for the weekend - it was a total disaster!

I can now officially wallpaper successfully - yay go me!!!

I have decided as soon as my room & stuff is sorted and I am completely packed up, I'm just going to go to Sweden and hide with my friends there until my family have decided they are ready to go cos if I stay here any longer I can see permanent holes occurring in our relationships.

All of my mates have now gone back to uni. And I miss them all so much already! It feels really weird they have all gone. To be honest it feels kinda lonely.

I ended up completely breaking down and losing it at rangers last night. Thank god it wasn't in front of the girls though. I really do think right now it's safer for me just to hide away in my room again. It's safer for the rest of the population not to have to deal with me.

Sleep is not happening yet again - I swear it's "megs life" re-run time.

Oh and I am still having allergic reactions to pretty much everything I am eating and drinking- woohoo go me! It now seems normal - is that normal?!

2005-09-15T16:56:00.000-06:00

Today I've carried on decorating my room, I'm pretty much half way through it now but I have all the difficult bits left to do. And tomorrow I have to play with lining paper - which will be interesting. But I do like how it's coming on though cos waking up every morning it feels like waking up in the sky which is really nice. Hopefully I will have it finished by Tuesday at the very latest and then can go make a start on the dining room or the spare room.

House update- well we had someone come look at the house again this morning and they are sending a surveyor around so that is quite hopeful. Plus one of the other people who came to see it on Tuesday got in touch with us and was asking about prices for extensions etc and he said he would talk to his builders but he was still happy with the price we are asking so that is looking up as well. But I'm not going to start to count our chickens quite yet.

This afternoon I did something I haven't done in a long time. I ended up meeting up with a good friend I used to go to school with cos he is leaving for uni on Sunday. Anyway we ended up just having this jamming session for a few hours and it was just like going back 3/4 years to how it used to be back then. He was really surprised that it happened (in a good way) cos he hadn't heard me sing since year 11. But he seemed genuinely happy that I was back into my music again. We had such a good laugh, it was great and I felt so much better afterwards. It was the release I needed. Even rich said I seemed better afterwards even if I did have the red puffy eyes and husky throat.

I was looking back at old posts on here from when I first started and the first couple of months. And I have realized the posts recently are very similar to the ones back then. The same issues, thoughts and actions all over again. Just seems like I'm going in a continuous circle and the past is repeating itself yet again for the millionth time. So I think it's time I figure out how to break from the circle.

Ok- Huge getting out of system session so be warned!

2005-09-13T19:12:00.000-06:00

There is a bunch of stuff that I thought I had sorted out, how I had felt about it etc and thought that I had got to the other end. Well I have realized that I am not at the other end and have just gone backwards. The thing is I'm really frustrated that I feel this way. I feel that lately I thought I was taking steps forward but in actual fact I have been taking multiple steps back. And I know what is back there and I don't want to go back there again. It's like being attached to a piece of elastic and I some how stretched it too far so now it's snapped backwards.

Everyone seems to think at the moment that I should be 100% happy because I'm moving to start a new life in Canada. I wish it was that easy. I don't regret the decision I have made but now im having to get used to living with that decision and it's harder than I thought. I really did think that after making the decision things would get easier but it hasn' quite happened like that..

I'm still avoiding telling people about leaving, literally until I told the rangers last night only 7 other people over here knew about it. None of my friends from college know, nor faye, peeps from woodlarks, my family over here, my friends from school, Guiding peeps and a bunch of other friends. Before lastnight I thought it was difficult telling people and seeing their faces etc. But last night at rangers I realized exactly what I am giving up and the hurt went that bit deeper. This new unit has been my baby since helping to set it up last year and I had been attached to the old unit for too many years before that. And it didn't hit me until lastnight, when we were all sat there planning the programme and then someone asked if I could so something and it hit me I wouldn't be there anymore. I am giving up my unit and leaving my friends some of the people who know me better than I do at times. I'm leaving the place I call home.

We had 2 lots of people come to view the house today and from the reaction I have heard I think both of them were unsuccessful. Plus another 2 lots of people who were interested before hand have dropped out as well because of change of plans. So we have another 2 sets of people to chase up and then it may mean going through an estate agents which isn't what we want or need. Which in turn may mean we won't be out to Canada until possibly after Christmas. And if that happens I will end up going bloody mental, but we will have to see. But I have realized that I have got over my issue with leaving this house but I'm not quite over having strangers walking through our house and especially my room. To me it's my personal space and today it felt like a complete invasion of it. I did not like it one little bit so I hid in the garden with akha (my cat) and we were both pissed off together.

I'm still having allergic reactions to pretty much everything I eat and drink and now even with coffee! IT'S NOT FAIR!!!! I'm now on even more meds which are seriously not helping me and sending me to ga ga land. And officially MY DOCTOR IS A COMPLETE AND UTTER TWAT!!!! And I swear he got his education from twatville university. I so wanted to punch his lights out yesterday and I still want to now!

I hate the way I am right now. It is starting to effect everything yet again how I feel about people, how I think, the way I interact with people, just generally who I am. It's like the way thing are with one of my friends at the moment I will call them X. Everytime I talk to X I seem to be moaning, ranting or on such a huge downer it's madness. I end up telling X all this stuff and passing all my shit on to them. X says it's fine that I confide in them but I know I shouldn't do it as they really don't deserve it! They deserve a much better friend than what I am and what I have been. And it's really not fair on them me just being a total and utter fucking twat! X is always so nice to me and always seems to be there and I don't deserve it. And I repay the friendship by being an emotional idiot not a particularly balanced friendship at all. I need to change and I need to change damn quick. I need to quit confiding in people and start keeping my own shit to myself. And become a better friend to X and try to make it up to them in whatever way I can.

Right now finding a cave or someplace where I could lock myself away from the world seems like a very good plan. Then the world doesn't have to suffer with the total wreck that I have become. As people don't deserve having shit like me in their lives as you all deserve a hell of a lot better.

2005-09-13T17:38:00.000-06:00

Sara McLaughlin - Angel

Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always one reason to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty and weightless
and maybe I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here

So tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
and the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lie
that you make up for all that you lack
it don't make no difference
escaping one last time i
t's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

In the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here

I want a new body

2005-09-08T15:20:00.000-06:00

I'm not a happy bunny at the minute. I had a huge allergic reaction to something on Tuesday, it started off in the morning but just ended up getting worse and worse. I have had 2 reactions similar to this in the past, one 4 years ago where it ended up affecting my joints and I ended up if school for nearly a month and counted write or walk. Then earlier this year I had another one which completely affected my whole body and I couldn't speak etc. Well this one decided to be a mixture of the past 2 nasty versions. Well eventually I decided on Wednesday morning I needed help so spoke to my doctor and now have a bunch of medication. I also have to go and see him on Monday to get a prescription for either steroids, an epipen or both (such a nice prospect- NOT!) so if this happens again I can sort it out quicker.
However I have a little problem already, ever since this major reaction I keep reacting again and again to just about everything I eat and drink. Which shouldn't be happening as I'm still taking anti histamines and the reactions shouldn't be getting as bad as they are. But none of us have a clue what has set it off. So basically if it's still this bad tomorrow I'm going to have to go see my doctor then rather than wait until after the weekend. But I'm gonna have to go on a really strict diet again to try and figure out what is triggering this. I'm so not impressed by any of this right now at all! Cos more than anything it just scares me especially when my face goes numb, my throat tightens and my jaw goes so I can't speak properly. It's like living a nightmare but it's real and I hate it more and more each time it happens. I have to say I don't know what I would do if this happened and I was by myself but hopefully I will get it sorted soon. Well I'm keeping my fingers crossed anyway.

Cocktail hour

2005-09-05T16:09:00.000-06:00

So I'm moving to Canada....So I should be happy right? Well I am happy a bit of the time but the rest of the time talking to people about it I just end up in tears. But however upset I get I don't regret my decision but it just scares me to pieces. What happens with the few friends I do have out there and the family that have met me? I am a very different person now than I was 2 years ago and what happens if they don't like that. It's going to be strange but great to see those peeps again but it scares me as well. Since the decision was made on Thursday I keep having to tell people and still I've only told a handful of people but every time I tell someone I see the look on my friends face and it hurts me. The people I have told so far are the closest people to me, they have been there for me through it all the worst and best times over the years, some of them have known me for over 2/3rds of my life. And it hurts telling them! Makes what is happening real- yes but still hurts like mad! It doesn't make it any easier that most of my friends are going to be going back to uni in the next couple of weeks so I won't be able to see them regularly either.
Everyone important to me seems to be supporting me 100% about my decision. They all say that I have made the right decision and that they are very happy that I have finally admitted to myself and everyone that I am not strong enough to be over here. Even Heather admitted to me this evening that if I did end up staying here for 3 years or carried on the way I'm going at the moment I will end up having a nervous breakdown- not the nicest thing to hear. But it is the truth and I finally can admit that.
I decided to move to Canada because I'm not strong enough to be here. I need my safety network and that is disappearing far too quickly and if I ended up having 3 years ahead of me like the last 3 years I don't know what shape I would end up at the end of it all. I can finally admit that I am too screwed up to do a degree in psychology & counselling and I wouldn't get out of it what I needed to get out of it. Plus there are also a huge amount of things I need to sort out for myself before I even think about going into that career again as I would end up screwing other people and myself up. I don't even know if that is the career I want to take anymore and hopefully taking this year out will let me get some answers. I had to do a lot of soul searching but at the end of it I found that I made my decision a long time ago I just needed to make that leap of faith for it to happen.
So the leap has been made- all of my loans, accommodation and university stuff has all been cancelled. So no going back now. I have even been in touch with the Canadian High Commission to receive my S.I.N so I can work as soon as I get there. But I have decided to take a month out before flying over and going to Sweden before flying out.
Tonight I went out for dinner with heather and the bar men found out that we were celebrating the fact of me moving to Canada so I got lots of free cocktails. WOO WOO!!! But it has also made me quite drunk especially as I started to find out the mixture of booze I have in my system right now- I'm thinking my head could be quite special in the morning especially with the paint fumes. But I will let you all know what happens tomorrow!

Crunch time

2005-09-01T18:29:00.000-06:00

Things have changed so much in the last 24 hours and the changes will become permanent after a couple of phonecalls. But basically the long and short of today was I hit crunch time and I had to make a decision about what I was definitely doing. And I think I shocked a few people because I've decided that I'm going to move to Canada. Which also meant that Jon and I broke up as well this evening.
Anyway I will explain it all properly later but right now I need some sleep because my brain is frazzled and my energy is completely gone. I never want to have to make crappy choices like that again!

Tiny Threads

2005-08-31T13:38:00.000-06:00

Everything is now becoming far too real for my liking. And I don't know if I am strong enough to cope with all of it anymore. Everything was all going to well and now it's all just crumbling away in my hands. I can't even trust my own judgment anymore and I think I may have been making the wrong decisions about a lot of stuff lately. I know I have made so many mistakes on my judgment before how can I trust it now.
My student loan still hasn't been sorted 2 months after I put my form in and I don't know if I will get it in time now for when I have to leave for Uni. My room at the university fell through over the weekend because it was a bank holiday weekend so I had to make a new application yesterday and they all have to be sorted by tomorrow. My bank has decided they have to open a new account for me, which means I then have to change my details with everything else when my new account is set up. It's all just falling apart at the seams.
We had a final evaluation done on the house yesterday and apparently we have got people coming to see the house later this week or at the beginning of next week. I'm still packing boxes, filling holes in the walls and then have to paint it all. The way things are going they really could be gone by the end of October and that scares the hell out of me right now.
We have also been trying to look into flights and stuff for me to go over and see them at Christmas but as it is already the flights are basically non - existent for the time I need because it's over the holiday period. So I may not be seeing them at Christmas and I don't know if I can cope having to wait over 7 months without seeing any of them. Knowing that they are all spending Christmas together and seeing each other regularly.
I honestly don't see me being strong enough to cope with it all. Over the summer even more people have seemed to disappear from my life and I know the number of people I have got over here is growing smaller and smaller all the time. Maybe this just shows truly what kind of person I am. If I cant keep my friends I have had here for so long what chance have I got of making friends at uni.
Everything just seems to be hanging on tiny threads at the moment and one by one they are all breaking around me. I just don’t know how much longer the thread is going to last before it all breaks for the last time.

Well the results are out!

2005-08-18T08:10:00.000-06:00

This morning was judgement time and time seriously dragged out. But I finally got the little envelope which I needed. Well I needed a D overall to get my place at Salford Uni. Well the results are - in AS psych I got B's in all 3 papers and in my A2 papers I got a C, D and U (but I knew about that one already!). So overall I got a C, meaning Salford Uni here I come!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so over the moon about it people don't quite get it. Faye was with me when I opened the envelope and she was so happy for me even though she already knew my result. But as I said to her without her support fot the last 3 years I would never of been able to achieve it.
I then rang my parents and they were really happy for me. Then I rang Jon and he was so happy for me he was nearly in tears. Not only did I get better results than I thought I would and got into uni, Jon and I can really make a go of things. I then spoke to Lotta and told her and she was in tears cos she was so happy for me.
I think the best bit was when I got home and had the letter from UCAS waiting for me for me to accept my place at Salford Uni- it was then certain and I was over the moon. Well I still am!
So tonight I am going out and celebrating and hopefully getting trashed out of my head. Oh and hopefully getting hold of my brother to let him know the news.
But today I have realised I may be really happy about it and my friends are happy about it, but my family seem to be doing this we are happy for you but not being overly happy becuase they were hoping I would go with them. But there we go time for them to finally realise it's not going to happen!

36 Hours to go

2005-08-16T16:06:00.000-06:00

There has been so much I have wanted to write on here for the last week but for certain reasons I can't explain I haven't been able to. Mainly because I don't feel comfortable writing as openly I used to. And I'm not comfortable having to watch what I write. But right now I don't care what people read.

In 36 hours time I will be picking up my exam results and finding out what life has in store for me. And it is scaring me to the utter core. I have been trying to avoid all the decisions and thoughts for so long but now it's got to the point I can't think about pretty much anything else. Everyone is telling me to relax and it will all be fine, but I can't relax. And how do they know it will all be fine, can they predict the future?! My parents seem to keep telling everyone that they are coming out and the list of people I have to call or text is getting longer and longer. I'm just dreading if it is bad news then having to tell all those people how much I messed up. I don't think I will be able to do that. But I guess on the upside things will finally be decided and all the uncertainty may disappear. Well at least Jon and I will know if we can seriously make a go of it or if we will be breaking up. But the thing I'm dreading the most if I don't get the marks seeing the look of disappointment on my parents and faye's face. Fine I can disappoint myself but I can't deal with letting other people down and disappointing them.

Anyway this is a song I wrote yesterday, it's not very good but there we go. It just kind of expresses how I'm feeling.

If I was a bird
Then I could fly away
Find somewhere to hide
And go whichever way

Find a new place
Where everything starts again
Take all of the fears
And fly until they disappear

I want to fly,
Fly away from here
Find the person that I am
Have no pain and fear

I want to fly
Try to start a new
Take all chances that I can
See my dreams come true

Then life would be simple
And life would be fine
Life then would not be upside down

So let me fly
Fly away from here
Find the person that I am
Have no pain and fear

Let me fly
Try to start a new
Take all the chances that I can
To make my dreams come true

I need to fly
Fly to disappear

Catch up

2005-08-08T14:11:00.000-06:00

Well this is explanation time; I finally got home last night. So much for the plan of me going away for a long weekend! 10 days later I come home, I wish I wasn’t here though. Basically we got together during last week and I didn’t want to come home and leave him. Sarah gave him my number and we had been talking for a few weeks and then met up and decided to make a go of it. We have both decided that life is too short; if I do have to move to Canada we will deal with that if it comes. I know its hard him not being close as I am feeling it really badly today. But as I see it the time we do get to share together will just be more special and we will value it more. They do say that absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Things with Jon are so good and I can’t quite believe it is real. He has treated me like a complete princess and made me feel the happiest I have felt in such a long time. I feel like such a spoilt brat right now as he spent far too much money on me. He keeps doing these surprises, which is so utterly cute. The first was telling me to go upstairs and get changed cos he was taking me out for dinner, he took me to a posh Chinese restaurant and it was so special because it was the first proper date I had ever been taken on. The next day he took me bowling and I wooped his butt at it- he he he! Don’t think he was too impressed with that but there we go. He also got me a beautiful bunch of flowers; they were dark velvet looking red roses with pink carnations and baby’s breath. They were so lovely I have a pic of them now on my mobile wallpaper cos I couldn’t bring them back with me.

But nothing could quite top the surprise he had for me on Saturday. He wouldn’t tell me where we going eventually we got to London Charring Cross and me being the dosey person I am couldn’t figure out what it was famous for. So he got me in a black cab and said to the driver can we go to the Aldwych, and the driver said what is on there. So he told him it was Fame. So at that point I’m in total shock and start hyperventilating, I couldn’t believe he was taking me to my ultimate dream. Seeing Fame at the West End has been one of my dreams for so many years. Anyway it got so much better we ended up getting seats 6 rows from the front right in the middle. It was absolutely amazing and I loved every single minute of it and Jon taking me to see it made it 1000 times better than it could ever be. Anyway he bought me a mug so every morning I can have my coffee in and think of fame and him. (Plus he also gave me his cd of the soundtrack as I didn’t have it, I’ve know listened to it like 6 times and am loving it so much.) We then went for a walk and ended up having dinner in Leicester Square, and he got me 3 roses in the middle of dinner as well. They are gorgeous and our now sat beside my bed. It was the best date ever!! I told him he is going to be very hard pushed to ever beat it.

And then yesterday just before I got on the train he gave me a really cute teddy bear which I had seen while we had been shopping as another surprise.

I have never felt how I feel about him with anyone else. He has accepted me for me with all my baggage and crap. He hasn’t tried to change me and he can even deal with me first thing in the morning (he is very brave!). It’s so nice to have a guy who is different and doesn’t just want one thing out of me. Who actually wants to be with me and hasn’t run for the hills. We are very similar in certain ways but very different in other ways and I personally think that’s what makes us fit together so well.

But today has been hard cos I am missing him like hell. I just hope I can see him again in a couple of week’s time. I am just hoping now from the bottom of my heart that I have got the grades I need so I can stay and don’t have to leave him.

My sister and my parents have decided that I am seriously happy right now and they haven’t seen me this happy in ages and they are right cos I really am!

I’m sorry if I sound completely loved up and mushy.

2005-08-04T07:56:00.000-06:00

I know I haven't posted for ages, I haven't been around and at the moment I am away so haven't had the chance to properly post. There is a lot to explain at some point, a magor thing has changed since last posting and that is I now have a boyfriend who is a total sweetheart-WOOHOO!!!!

Anyway these are some of the pics sent to me from my leaving bash and our ranger weekend away. It is so typical us, party, coffee & gossiping and standing in the black mountains in the rain - he he!

http://www.sendpix.com/albums/05072805/8xwn0ikk77/

Bittersweet Parties

2005-07-19T07:20:00.000-06:00

Well lastnight was my last ranger meeting, and it was a such a great evening. I knew we were meant to be having a bun fight with a fire but when I showed up they set up a surprise party for me. Apparently I'm a pain in the neck to keep secrets from and people nearly dropped the surprise so many times but I didn't have a clue!
It was so cool they had decorated everywhere with pink & lilac streamers and Winnie the pooh balloons. They even got me a special Eeyore helium balloon and as it was in ranger colours made it even better. They then produced these Winnie the pooh party hats, plates, cups and napkins and a beautiful big cake. So I turned into a big kid for the evening but it's scary how well they know me but as they said after 6 years in that unit then they better know me that well.
Anyway we decided a fire was necessary but with us it is always necessary. Anyway the next thing I know I am being dragged from my fire being told I have some visitors. They had got 2 of my old ranger leaders to come up as a surprise. It was so good to see them, then one of the other guide leaders I have worked with showed up and was like you didn't tell me you were leaving us. So they started the questions of where am I going then, and they didn't like my answer of right now I haven't got a clue. But that was that. Also some of my friends who have left over the years came back up as well so it was a good reunion.
Anyway I then got to play with the fire again and we taught one of my leaders 7 year old daughter how to make pokey sticks in the fire. We decided we better teach her from an early age how to be a pyromaniac like the rest of us. It is working cos she used to be scared of our fires and now she loves them -yay!! We decided as we had a fire we had to sing random stupid songs (we have all been in Guiding for too long!). If anyone had seen me then they would of thought I was drunk or off my head. But it was just me having a laugh with my mates and singing the crazy moose song and just generally being "Pixie Megarn". One of my mates even made up a new moose song to the tune of Edleweiss which is so cool!
However in the middle of all of this everyone seemed to make their way down to the fire and acting really shifty. The next thing I know Chris was making this speech about me saying big thank you's etc and giving me a bag full of pressies and a card. The bag was so cool it had fluffy handles and was pink -it was so amazing!!! They all decided that they shouldn't of bothered with the pressies they should of just given me the bag cos I was so hyper about it. Eventually I opened my pressies to find an eeyore cross stitch bookmark (apparently another excuse for me to avoid my work come September), they also got me a To me to You -Guiding autograph book and a silver necklace and earrings which had the British Guiding Friendship Pendants on it. So wherever I am I will always remember my ranger friends in Cheltenham.Well that was it and it set me off cos what they didn't understand is that I will never be able to forget any of them. I have been in that unit for 6 years now and seeing a bunch of them every monday night for that length of time they can never be forgotten.
The party eventually ended but apparently the celebrations are not over yet and they will be continuing this weekend on our weekend away. We found out lastnight that we should be able to have fires at both the youth hostels we are staying at which has pleased us all. I also have to renew my promise this weekend but this time as a Ranger Leader, they said I can choose when I want to do it over the weekend and I'm just glad I can do it with them. I'm thinking of doing it after one of the fires in the evening by candle light before the drinks come out. But we will see how it goes.
Lastnight really made me realise how much I do not want to be leaving Cheltenham, these people are my friends and I have been through so much with them. They also except me for me and I know wherever I end up if I join another unit it will never be the same as my friends from Park District/ Cheltenham West Rangers. But I just have to stay positive about this weekend and ignore the fact that I am leaving them all.

2005-07-15T14:55:00.000-06:00

Today I finally finished the song I have been writing, still don't think it's any good. It has frustrated me so much trying to finish it. I was good in my head at the beginning but my mood changed and trying to finish it has been really difficult but I got there I guess. But it may be put in a bin very soon but at least I finished it I guess.

I've realized that writing at the moment is really cathartic. It may not make any sense to anyone else but it gets it out of my head for a bit. It's like the poem I wrote lastnight it wasn't good but in my head it made the point I needed to make. And today I sat and wrote a huge letter to my brother about so many things I have been wanting to tell him, I don't think I will ever send it to him but it made me feel better just for writing it. Then he doesn't have to know how much I really miss him and stuff.

Don't know what I am gonna do this weekend but hopefully will be going out and getting trashed again.

2005-07-14T17:40:00.000-06:00

Every word it hurts a bit deeper
My heart tries to close from you
But still I can’t shut you out
And do the walking I need to do

Why did I open my heart?
Why did I let you in?
Cos every little word you say
Gets right underneath my skin

And I need to feel numb, so numb

Every drink makes it easier
And I can stop thinking about you
And then go numb, so numb
Then you don’t get through

But in the cold light of day
Where the drink has all gone
You’re back right there again
And I need to be numb

I thought you knew me
I thought you understood
But I can never tell you how I feel
Be honest what it’s about

Cos you will never get it
You will never understand
Cos every word I need to say
Is being screamed at you from inside

And I need to feel numb, so numb

The cold light of day

2005-07-14T10:31:00.000-06:00

So the explanation of what went on yesterday. Firstly Treena and Jeff decided to show up out of the blue on the way back from Wales. They didnt seem to impressed that I was actually going out when they arrived but that is not my problem if they don't give us any warning that they are going to show up. She also got really annoyed to find that I had been sleeping in "her" bedroom, well there was no place to stay in my room so where am I going to sleep?! So the world begins to revolve around Treena again.

Anyway I ended up going out with Faye & Tim and Sarah & Roland we went for pizza and then to the cinema to watch War of the Worlds. I knew things were different from the moment I stepped into the car. For the first time in 3 years I couldn't actually keep a conversation going with Faye. Then something seemed to of changed between me and Sarah. Well anyway the whole evening through I felt like a 5 wheel / gooseberry. And to be quite honest I really don't think they wanted me to be there. And that's fine I completly understand that if they wanted to do the coupley thing or just not want me there then go for it, I would just of prefered them to tell me. Now don't get me wrong I have no problems going out with friends who are couples, I do it regularly and it's all good by me. But when it gets to the point that no one talks to you and they just want to speak sweet nothings to their partner then I have an issue. Even in the car on the way back no one said 2 words to me, as they were doing the coupley thing. It just put me on a huge pissed off downer which Dr. Pepper couldn't even get me out of.
Lastnight was the first time in a long time that when I was out I had an issue with my single status. It made me realise that out of all of my friends over here I am now the only single one- such a great realisation! For so long I have been actually quite happy being single just because it was easier with what was happening in my life. Now it's not and I want to be in a relationship. I want to share part of my life with someone and have that extra connection that comes in a relationship rather than a friendship. I just want someone to except me for me. I know I'm not the thin girl, or the pretty girl. Yeah I may suffer from depression and it means I have my bad patches and really shitty days, but it also means when I have good days I appreciate them even more than most people but being depressed isn't all who I am. And yeah I have my baggage which messes things up at times but doesn't everyone have some. I'm not trying to make out that I don't have my problems because I do and I know that I am not the easiet person for a guy to have in their life but why can't any of them see past that stuff? I'm sick of having to change myself for guys to have me in their life, I just want a guy who will just take me for me the good as well as the bad. I want to be the person someone wants to be with, rather than me being the one always wanting to be with them.

The cold light of day

2005-07-13T15:28:00.000-06:00

Lots has happened today and I'm really pissed off right now. This evening wasn't so great either but I did see War of the Worlds. Will right more tomorrow when I won't regret what I write.

Heineken and open mike nights.

2005-07-12T19:02:00.000-06:00

Tonight has been such a rollercoaster. I've had a pretty shitty day and didn't really want to go out tonight but I decided I should. As wallowing at home wouldn't be good. So I met up with Faye, Sarah, Roland, Tim and Nat at an open mike night at a pub. During the evening things got bad and I was ready to bolt cos I couldn't deal with it anymore. But then I got more pints down me and things got a lot better.
Tonight I took a huge step for me and I'm still so utterly happy right now and hyper you would not believe. At the end of the evening I got up and sang, I start by singing some things with roland playing guitar and then went acapella. I wanted to find out from my friends how my voice was now a days, I valued their opinions so much firstly they are musicians and secondly I knew they would be brutally honest with me about how it was. They said they I was good and have told me I should go back with them again next week but whether or not I do that we will see..And then go to the open mike night we went to on sunday in town (but that's big and scary so maybe not!). There was also discussion tonight of me joining one of their bands or at least jamming with them which would be so cool. But I should be going out with them all tomorrow night so I will find out the truth then in the cold light of day when we are all sober of how it actually was.
It was such a release though, feeling that bad and then just singing and it all just disappeared and this over whelming feeling of happiness came. I know I messed some of the words up but hey ho I had been drinking. That wasn't going to put a dampener of my evening. And my range isn't as big as it used to be but I haven't had lessons for years and haven't practiced scales for so long that it didn't surprise me. But it was a confidence boost and they think that my old music teacher was a twat! Maybe this was the break back into music I needed only time will tell. So watch this space.

2005-07-11T17:40:00.000-06:00

Things are so completely fucked up right now. I wish I could explain it but I don't even have the words to try and begin to start to. I just want to run away from it all, go find somewhere to hide so people can't find me. I can't do this anymore.

2005-07-09T16:08:00.000-06:00

Why is it that at times I can care for people more than I should?
Why do I become worried about them?
Why do I care so much what is happening with them?
Why do I let so mnay people into my heart?

The things that lurk beneath the bed

2005-07-09T09:07:00.000-06:00

Since I started sorting and packing my room up, I have been avoiding going under my bed and clearing out. Most peeps would find random crap like old plates, cups etc. Well I know I didn't have anything like that under my bed. But I did have the scary boxes full of music and work from my old school that I have been avoiding touching for a long time. Well the avoidance couldn't hold out any longer.

I didn't realize how many music books I had and how much cello music I had either. 8 years of cello music does build up as I have found out. The thing is looking through them the painful memories kept coming through of all the cello lessons where my last teacher kept putting me down and the feeling of resentment just came flooding over me. But then the happy times came through afterwards, with all the orchestra music I found and remembering all the friends I made through that and our conductor who was my previous cello teacher.

But then I found a bunch of stuff I had completely forgotten about and couldn't remember existed. At the bottom of the final box were 2 plastic folders. One had a bunch of certificates for my Cello grade exams and my theory grade exams in it. But then I opened the other plastic folder and inside were a couple of certificates I had completely forgotten about, it had my Deans and Bishops Award certificates & medals in there for the Royal School of Church Music, plus the other 3 medals I got previously to them.

But underneath them was a bunch of papers that scared me even more. I found all the service sheets and music from the Youth Services in my old church 3 years ago. It's something I had blocked from my mind a long time ago as there were too many bad feelings attached to it. For 18 months I had helped run a youth/worship service once a month in my church. Basically it was me, one of the clergy and Linda ( member of the congregation) who set the whole thing up, organized every month etc. It was a lot of hard work but I eventually got enough people involved I could just do the background work. But there was always something I could never get out of and that was leading the worship band. Every month I had to be at the front singing my heart out and I'm not denying I didn't enjoy it because I did. It was also the reason I became a singer of a band.

I'm sorry if I sounded like I was boasting about my achievements because it isn't meant in that way at all. I personally don't think I deserve half of the things I was given and should never of done half the things I did. That is why they were all at the bottom of a box so I could ignore it all.

Finding all this stuff has made me question my judgments so much of why I gave it all up. What was I thinking at the time?! In my warped thinking I kinda have proof now that someone out there must of thought I wasn't that bad at singing cos I got awards for it and if I was that bad the church would of stopped me from leading the worship band and my friends would of told me to stop being in their band. Instead it was me who chose to leave all these things. For 2 years during my GCSE's in every single lesson every week, the new head of music told me I was crap, belittled me and told me I should never of been music because I had no talent and shouldn't of even be bothering. I can remember having arguements with our other music teacher because she was trying to convince me to carry on being in the choir, do something in the concerts etc but I wouldn't. But I could never explain to her why I couldn't do it and even in my year book the last thing she wrote was keep up the wonderful singing. But I ignored what she wrote and everything else everyone told me. He had won and I gave it all up, and I gave it all up because of him.

Music for so long brought me such happiness and such a release. I could just go into my own world, write about how I was feeling, release the anger and pain in a way which couldn't hurt anyone especially myself. Even my doctor over the last 3 years has told me to go back and write music and sing again as it made me feel better. Even when I was at the wedding last weekend Adam was trying to persuade me to join a band again. But how can I do that?! I don't think I have enough talent anymore and I'm definitely not good enough. I have no confidence about it anymore and I'm scared if I did sing again someone will start telling me what he told me all over again. The last time I ever sang in front of anyone purposely was at my granddad's funeral where my parents persuaded me to sing and I couldn't say no to them. But I miss it so much and I regret every day giving it all up. I wish I had my own cello but I am in no position to buy one even a second hand one. I want to find a way back into it I just don't know how to do that. I even asked my mum earlier why they let me give it all up and I understand why they couldn't stop me. I am my biggest critic and until I think I am any good again whatever anyone else says I won't believe them.

Just my luck

2005-07-08T15:40:00.000-06:00

Ok looks like there is seriously bad luck happening in my house right now. A couple of months ago our boiler went so we had to get a new one. Then last month our washing machine broke so we had to buy a new one. And guess what -our fridge/freezer decided to die this evening!!!
The appliances couldn't last out 2 more months until we all leave. It's such a waste of money right now because it's not like my parents can take the appliances with them either. This is a drain of money we can't afford and I'm pissed off now!!

2005-07-08T12:49:00.000-06:00

YAY!!! I've just found out that Beth decided to go to Italy for a week on the weekend so she is ok!!

This is all so bloody fucked up! The number of deaths is up into the 50s now but is still rising as they cant get into one of the train carriages cos the tunnel apparently is too unsafe. The critical list is still in the 40s. There are so many people wandering round London right now trying to find their loved ones who are missing with appeals going out on the radio, television and newspapers all the time How the hell can anyone do anything like this?! I'm just holding out that karma wins through in the end.

My phone went off at 5am this morning with a message from my sister in law. Apparently they had been driving back from a rodeo type thing and had just gone past a field with moose bulls in it. So it made them think of me and they had to text me to tell me about it. I want to go on adventures with them as my brother always seems to be finding moose. For those of you who don't know I have a huge obsession with moose. It has made my day that Brian and Charly remember the random things about me.

For a couple of months now I have had this recurring dream. And it happened again lastnight. Each time it has the same theme and most of the events are the same just little details change. The first couple of times I had this dream, it didn't bother me because I've had recurring dreams before. But now I have had it 5 times and its just weirding me out. I know exactly what its about and that its my inner dreams/desires which I cant share with people. In the beginning everytime I had this dream it made me happy and it still does to a certain extent but it makes me so sad now as well. Because I know the only way these things will ever happen is in my dreams. However hard I wish for them to happen they just wont. I hope I quit dreaming this stupid dream.

2005-07-07T16:06:00.000-06:00

Well so far it's 700 injured and 39 dead. They still haven't begun to announce the amounts of deaths from the bus but it has been said that the state of the bodies are just bad. The police have said they don't think it's over yet. And that they had no warning. There are even more problems still this evening as they think they may have found a new group of people trapped in the underground. I still can't get hold of my friend and I am honestly getting worried now.
All day it has felt like a movie going on in front of us but it isn't a movie and this is real people and real times.
I wish there was something I could do to help all these people who have been affected so badly. All I can do right now is send my love and thoughts to the victims.

Waking up in a daze

2005-07-07T05:59:00.000-06:00

It's seems to unreal right now what has happened. All of fears have come true. I keep seeing the pictures on the tv and listening to things on the radio but it seems so unreal. They have put most of the magor cities in the UK on terrorist alert and will just be time and cheltenham will be one of them as well. Right now I'm actually quite scared cos one of my friends from Canada is living in London at the moment and now I can't get hold of her. But most of the phone networks are down cos they are being used so heavily. So I'm just holding out that she gets in touch soon. It just feels like I'm walking around in a complete daze.

Get me out of HERE!!!!

2005-07-06T14:54:00.000-06:00

Firstly Happy Birthday Brian and Lotta!! Wish I was with either of them but I can't be so that's that I guess. I kept myself together well when talking to them which I was quite proud of, just broke down afterwards but that's nothing new at the moment.

Yesterday and today I have been trying to pack my room up. I have been positive about it, with a whole new start and don't need all this baggage etc. It's kind of doing my head in at the moment though because I have to split everything up into 4 different sets of boxes. The stuff to take to uni & need at the moment, stuff to go to my parents, things that need to go in storage over here and stuff to get rid of. The hardest thing out of all of it though has been taking all my photos down from the walls and putting all my photo frames away in boxes. It may sound stupid to anyone else but I need my photos around me. I have too many people who are very important people to me and they are not around in my life cos of where they live. Having their pictures around me helps me when I miss them. Crazy I know but that's me. But my parents have told me I can't put them back on the walls after my room has been decorated. It will be an interesting couple of months ahead.

Things between me and my parents keep going from bad to worse. The guilt trips and the emotional black mailing to make me go to Canada is just getting too much. It got to the point now that I can't even look at them. They don't get how I feel about any of it and when I try to explain it just turns into a massive slanging match. All hell broke loose between me and my mum at 1am this morning. Then again this afternoon. The thing is both of them are now slagging each other off to me which is not what I need. And the best of it is they are trying to blame all of it on the fact that I am staying here where the actual problem is their relationship. I'm sick of it. This afternoon dad told me he would finally talk to mum, so what happens he doesn't I end up in a complete shouting match with my mum and I'm the one who looks like a complete bitch and he just stood there with his mouth shut.

I don't want to be in this house for another 2 months with them if this is what it's going to be like. I thought the last 2 months of us living together would be nice well how wrong was I! If it carries on like this I will be moving out sooner because they are making me feel worse than I already am and I do not need it. Selfish I know but there we go!

Make Poverty History!!

2005-07-02T10:47:00.000-06:00

All I want to say today is if you haven't already signed it and you're reading this please go to http://www.live8live.com

Make your voice heard!

2005-07-01T09:26:00.000-06:00

Just wanted to say to all the Canadian peeps reading this

Happy Canada Day!! I hope you all have a good long weekend!

It's quite funny I was the only person in our household to remember what day it was. And they call Canada their home- tsk tsk.

WOOHOO

2005-06-30T18:11:00.000-06:00

YAY!!!!! I'm a very happy bunny right now, I have finally just finished faye and tim's wedding present. They will never know how much this thing means to me as it has kept me sane through some insane times lately.

Here's hoping they like it!

The first day of the rest of my life!

2005-06-30T15:01:00.000-06:00

Today is a new day and I am making it a new start. The only person who can change how I am feeling is me. So it's time to turn the negatives into positives. If other people can get through this so can I! Time to put my argumentative and persistent streak into place, if the depression wants a fight then it is going to get one. But it isn't going to win any time soon. If I fought it at 15 by myself then I can do it again 4 years later!
My day has been good, and I have done a lot of things to help myself. My doctor is being a complete twat and my counsellor is too busy to see me. So I bought myself some St. John's Wort tablets and am doing heavy, serious exercise which should boost my serotonin levels. Plus I can also blog on here when I need to get things off my chest. I have made some cd's which only have positive, happy music on them which I can walk and exercise to. Plus they will give me a happy boost if I need it. I have put new flowers from my garden in my bedroom, they are bright yellow and oranges so good happy colours.
I have decided that I can't make a proper decision about what to do about the moving thing until my exams results come out. So until then I'm not going to make any rash decisions. But today I have finally got my loan forms sent off and will do my accommodation forms by the end of next week. So things for salford will be sorting themselves out.
I'm so happy I got my hair cut as short as I did because it's so much better now in the heat. As I found out today. And I actually think it's suits me better this length as well. I finally found a shrug to go with my outfit for the wedding. And WOOHOO I have definitely gone down 2 top sizes!! Which I am so utterly happy about right now. I thought I had a few weeks ago but I confirmed it by getting this top at a different shop and yes it really is true!! I think feeling happier about my appearance will also help me feel better. Which is wear the exercise comes into play as well if I keep loosing the weight I will find a size that I am actually happy at which I know in my head will make things better.
So time to say a big thankyou to suzi, spencer, lotta and dan for giving me the kick up the backside I needed. Thankyou peeps!!

2005-06-29T13:19:00.000-06:00

I cant do it anymore and I don’t know what to do. I cant even trust my own judgement any longer. I keep making mistake after mistake and tearing everything apart. I just mess everything up and everyone who comes near me. It seems that everything I go near at the moment just turns bad. And it is hurting the people I love.
I don’t even know who I am now, I don’t know which part is me and which is the depression. I don’t know what I want from life, what I want to do with life, what I even need right now. All I know is that I’m sick of hurting everyone around me. They shouldn’t have to deal with me like this, as they all deserve so much better. I want to find me again and have the dreams I wanted to fulfil. I want to be genuinely smiling at everyone rather than wearing this convincing mask. I just want to be me again.

How can they say it is easy?
How can they not regret?
How do you trust your choices?
As you fall with every step.

Go further in the darkness
The pain and fear surrounding
Not being able to see a way out
The walls closing in around you

I just wish I could get out
From this hell that I am living
To find a way back to the light
Where the tears stop flowing.

Will someone show me the way?
Or do I just keep sinking?
Will they see past the mask?
And see that I’m actually breaking.

With the darkness all around now
The cold driven to the bone
Where my soul is still bleeding
Where do I go?

Am I still me?
Or has the dark over taken?
Does the pain run too deep?
That it can never be broken.

2005-06-29T08:42:00.000-06:00

This song used to be my song. As my friedns put it, it was my anthem. I sang it for our year 9 concert, my gcse music exam and our year 11 leavers concert. Well I still think it is me, I just tried to ignore it.

I dreamed a dream from Les Miserables

There was a time when men were kind
When their voices were soft
And their words inviting
There was a time when love was blind
And the world was a song
And the song was exciting
There was a time
Then it all went wrong

I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high
And life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving

Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted

But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
And they turn your dream to shame

And still I dream he'll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.

life

2005-06-28T15:05:00.000-06:00

For a couple of days now I have been so happy and I honestly and truly wanted it to last. I wanted it to mean that I was beginning to reach the surface again but how wrong was I. I'm so sick of feeling like this I just want to be feel normal and happy and be going on a steady playing field. Rather than a roller coaster as it is right now, huge highs followed by serious lows. I want to be able to trust my own judgments again and be reliant on myself like I used to be. I want a way out of this crappy nightmare and back in to the real world. Where I actually sleep, have the motivation to get a job, where I don't mess everything up which I go near, where it isn't a fight to get out of bed every morning, to not push everyone away from me, to feel like I can stand on my own 2 feet again rather than be too reliant on others and not think it's a great achievement to get through each day in one piece.

More and more lately I have been rethinking my decision about staying here in September, everyone thinks I'm so certain about staying here but what they don't know is that in my mind I am questioning my decision every 5 minutes. It doesn't help that I have to actually wait until the 18th of August to find my exams results out which will decide if I can actually go to Uni here. I have been avoiding have to think about all of this for far too long but the point is I can't actually avoid it anymore.

I found a pros and cons list that I wrote last April about my decision and it has scared me how much has changed since then. This year has proven how many of my friends from college I have lost touch with. Then there are people from rangers, other good friends, family I have over here that I have been loosing touch with since then. Then there is the fact that I can't rely on anything Heather said she would do in the past.

So I decided to write a new list and the results have kinda scared me.

Staying in England
Pros
- Can do a degree purely in Psychology and Counselling.
- I can gain independence
- Nearer to being able to see my adopted family in Sweden.
- Can still see Heidi, Vix, Sarah and Faye.
- Can visit my rangers
- Can still see Emma, Rich and Becks
- Can still go to Woodlarks
- Can keep part of my safety network.
- Can prove a point to everyone including me that I can cope by myself.

Moving to Canada
Pros
- Can see my mum and dad regularly.
- Can see Treena & Jeff and Brian & Charly
- Can see Nat and Sean grow up and actually be a proper part of their lives.
- I won't have a permanent place to stay through the holidays in Salford
- Have nowhere to store my stuff while at Salford
- Have no family in England who I know will defiantly be there to fall back on if it all goes wrong at Salford.
- I dont have to give up Akha
- I wont have to afford to regularly fly over to Canada.
- I wont have to worry about the cost of calls to talk to my family.
- I will have my family around to celebrate birthdays, Christmas, thanksgiving etc.
- I can go to uni in Canada.
- Im going to be a minimum of 4 hours away from anyone in Salford.
- I can take up Guiding in Canada and be a Ranger Leader again.
- I can make a new start for myself without all the past baggage.
- I can try and repair the bridges that I burnt while I was there last time.
- I can actually get to know and meet more of my family.
- Can live far enough away from my parents and siblings to have independence but still have them in the same country.
- I can explore the country I fell in love with 2 years ago.

Realistically If I stay here the probability is very high that I wont be able to afford to go to Canada for Christmas. That means I wont be able to go over until Easter or summer next year. Which means by then it will be a minimum of 6 months not seeing my parents and Treena & Jeff. And I wont see Sean until he is a year old, and the scary bit would be it would be nearly 3 years since seeing Bri, Charly and Nat. I dont want that! I want to be able to celebrate my niece and nephews birthdays. I want to spend Christmas with all my family. I cant even remember the last time Bri and me actually celebrated a birthday together it was that many years ago. I want to be able to just sit down and have a beer with him and talk about crap.

Why have I put such a negative on going to Canada? 2 years ago I fell in love with the place and didnt want to come home. Even when I did come back I was trying to figure out any which way possible to get back there. Looking at university courses, looking for jobs, places to rent, how to move my stuff out there. And then it all stopped. Why did it stop?

I dont even know if I want to be a counsellor anymore or even if I would be any good at it. Is it what i want to do with my life? Do I need to be sorting my head and my options out before I make a decision about my career? I could take a year out, get some money, bum around Canada, find out who I am. I don't know!!!

This decision is too hard!
I dont want to make it!
Can someone please choose for me....

Sparkly shoes

2005-06-27T18:32:00.000-06:00

Lots and lots has happened today, keeping busy is a good thing right now cos it stops me from thinking. I spent most of the day shopping with Em in Gloucester and found a pair of shoes for the wedding. The are white strappy thongs with sequins sewn on top. When the sequins hits the light, they become all pearlized pink and purple - they are so cool!! I have sparkly shoes -WOOHOO!!!!!!!! But I still haven't found a top to wear over my strappy top. I wouldn't care that much but I actually need to pretend to look half decent as I have to stand up in front of everyone for this reading. I'm getting more and more scared about it by the day right now.

Anyway then I had rangers tonight and we did our second evening of our service project. We have been helping an elderly couple in their 80's/90's. We have repainted their gates, weeded their garden, did some pruning, watered all the flowers, planted some new flowers and gave the front of the house a good scrub where the moss was showing on the white paint. They kept thanking us and offering us money etc, but it warmed all our hearts so much. Apparently they have been telling everyone how lucky they are to have us helping them. But as we said tonight all we have done is given up around 4 hours of our time. It has given them a bit more dignity for them to live independently, as they now have flowers to look at and everything just looks smarter. It just shows how something so simple can help someone so much. We made a decision as a group tonight to officially adopt them and help them once or twice a term now. It made my day just to see the smile they had on their faces when they opened their front door and saw it all finished.

Heather was interesting at rangers tonight, she tried to act like nothing has ever happened between us. That everything is peachy and fab. So I just played along with her, she seemed shocked that I was. But I'm not willing to waste my time and energy anymore on fixing something which doesn't want to be fixed. But we will see I'm still having to go to her place on Friday and cook them dinner, I don't know how it will be. But the happy mask will be back on so I won't get the lectures from her.

I wish I was asleep right now but the fun of not sleeping has kicked in again. I have so much going on in my head right now that is so messed up I can't put it to one side and actually sleep. I wish I had the answers, the solutions and a magic wand to fix it all or a time machine to go change things. I wish I could explain it but I can't, it's far too messed up for words right now. I want someone to come along and knock me out for a couple of hours so I don't think about it and actually quit looking like a professional zombie impressionist. It's not like I can even have a lie in, cos I'm getting my hair cut (yay!!), then going for lunch with heidi and trying to fix the roadkill I have made of our friendship in the last 2 months before she disappears to Barbados on Thursday.

Can someone please send me some sleep?

2005-06-26T10:02:00.000-06:00

Today is the kinda day I want the rest of the summer to be like. I haven't felt this happy for so long it doesn't even seem real. Well I have spent most of the later morning and afternoon, going out for lunch and drinks with 2 of my good friends who I used to go to school with. It was so good to see them even if they are only around for today but I know they will both be back properly for the summer at the end of this week which is fantastic. It was so good to see them and catch up, it was like it always used to be.
Just as we were all leaving one of my friends gave me an envelope and told me to look at it when I got home. So I did and she is such an absolute star. Inside the envelope was a CD, she had made it for me. It had a letter with it telling me that it had certain songs on it that she hoped I would remember and yes I do. They brought back so many memories of so much that has happened. Apparently it's a CD for me to listen to when I feel bad and its meant to make me smile again. When I was listening to it I was in tears but good tears, happy tears-it's been a while since I've shed some of them.
I can't believe she made it for me and still remembers the same crazy things as I do about us in the last 8 years. One of the songs was Mmmbop by Hanson, it was in our bad cheesy pop stage, we were only 11 before you shout at me. It has Build me up buttercup by the foundations, what we always used to end up singing in the changing rooms after P.E, the teachers just ended up joining in by the end of it they could never stop us. It's got My generation by The Who which we all did in the variety show in year 11 with dave's Wunder Band, I think we all must of been on something that day! Hero by Enrique Englesias which ended up being our year song at our year 11 ball. One of the guys who had been off for a couple of months cos he was in an accident came back for the Ball and got up and sang that. It got all of us together and we were all in tears but it was good cos it was all so us at the time. And then last but not least it has crash and burn by savage garden. It was our song and I'm guessing it still is, cos we both know that the other will always be there. The rest of the CD just had other random songs which we have both loved over the years, with all the embarrassing songs which neither of will admit to anyone else that we like. She is such a sweetie and she did it, she made me smile. How did I get friends who are so nice to me?
Then when I got home I found a vase of sweet peas in my room which my mum put in there for me. They are so beautiful and smell so pretty, they have made me smile even more.
When I was listening to the CD I was singing a long to it and it felt so good, when I emerged out of my room afterwards I realised my mum was in the room next to mine. Apparently according to her it's good to hear me sing again. But she is my mum so I don't trust her judgment on that one. But it was good, I'm happy right now and I'm loving it. I hope the rest of week carries on like this. I'm crossing my fingers and toes and holding my thumbs (it's a Swedish thing) that it will be.

This is me this morning

2005-06-26T02:41:00.000-06:00

Out here on my own from Fame

Sometimes I wonder where I've been,
Who I am,
Do I fit in.
Make believein' is hard alone,
Out here on my own.

We're always provin' who we are,
Always reachin'
For that risin' star
To guide me far
And shine me home,
Out here on my own.

When I'm down and feelin' blue,
I close my eyes so I can be with you.
Oh, baby be strong for me;
Baby belong to me.
Help me through.
Help me need you.

Until the morning sun appears
Making light
Of all my fears,
I dry the tears
I've never shown,
Out here on my own.

But when I'm down and feelin' blue,
I close my eyes so I can be with you.
Oh, baby be strong for me;
Baby, belong to me.
Help me through.
Help me need you.

Sometimes I wonder where I've been,
Who I am,
Do I fit in.
I may not win,
But I can't be thrown,
Out here on my own,

The day after the night before

2005-06-25T16:29:00.000-06:00

I haven't been in the mood to write for a couple of days but the writing mood is back again. Well the award thingy was bad but I got through it, put a smile on for everyone and escaped as quickly as possible afterwards. It was really bad we had to have our photos taken with the vice principal as we were given our award. The first time of meeting her after 3 years at that place Thank god I had made an effort before going . Faye wasn't happy cos they had changed what she had written about me. But the good things out of the evening was for once in my life I actually pleased my parents which was quite an achievement for me. I also got to meet Tim which was good, he seemed quite scared by the reading I have to do at their wedding but more about that later. And faye got to sign my certificate in pink pen, it was so funny and so faye it was cool. I actually have to admit at the end of the ceremony the vice principal was saying some stuff and it made me think that was last time at college. I wouldn't be back after 3 years it was all over. It was really strange and I don't think it has quite hit home yet. But I pulled myself together and it was all ok, no tears for me -yay!!!
Anyway a lot happened yesterday and for a while it looked like I wouldn't be going to the hen night but I decided to put on a brave face and the alcohol would be pain killers enough for me. Things didn't start off well 4 of the other girls from my A2 group who were meant to be coming dropped out on me at the last minute. So I ended up going by myself and I was scared cos I didn't know anyone else going. But that wasn't a problem for long. In the end there was 9 of us. However as the night progressed things got shitty and we all found out how 2 faced Ali is and it really upset faye which made us even more mad. However on the good side faye, Sarah (her sister), Natasha (one of faye's students from Gloucester) and me got absolutely trashed out of our heads. Just at the restaurant we ended up spending Â£70 on alcohol between 3 of us ( for all youCanadianss outthereethat'ss about $140) . But it was funny I literally had to hold faye's hand all thewaya back cos she couldn't even walk properly. ButIi can't talk cos I was just as bad. But a cool thing out of evening was that I found out I get on really well withSarahh andNatt so we have decided we are going on the single guy table at the wedding. Faye was also trying to convince us all that we are sexy women and can have any guy wewantt. At that point I just decided to smile and nod even though I know its not true about me but there we go it was easier to get faye off my back that way.
But on the way back afterwards it just got worse, faye had decided she was going to set me up with a guy from tim's band cos he is a musician and self harms in pretty patterns so she thinks we would get on well. I'm not holding much hope out on that oneespeciallyy as no one is quite sure if he isn't gay. But then I stupidly told faye About the guy I have a huge thing for, she was so funny about it and wanted to know all the details. One of those memories I'm not going to forget any time soon. I'm guessing you had to be there.
Well anyway whenIi eventually got home I stupidly started talking to the guy whoIi like and in my not so sober greatjudgmentt thinking, I kinda told him how I felt about him. Thinking that I was being subtle enough that he wouldn't figure it out. I was drunk it was just bad!
Anyway 5am this morning I wake up, the room still spinning, my feet are killing as Irealizee that my ankles are red raw with blisters on them -grrr evil shoes!! And then I realise what I said to him, trying to convince myself that I hadn't said it just didn't work.
Anyway I found out earlier he figured out what I was saying and I wasn't being that subtle. I don't know what will happen now. But I have learnt a few precious things, don't talk to guys who you like when you drunk, don't try and be subtle when your drunk cos it doesn't work and most of all check your feet for blisters and sort them out before you go to sleep.
But I have figured out the best cure for a hangover, watching lots of episodes of dawsons creek and having a good blub, eating cous cous and drinking coffee. It is the way forward. Well apparently my parents had quite a giggle last night about the state I was in when I got home. Trying to act sober didn't really work. If it was this bad at the hen night and that was only 6 hours long what is the wedding going to be like when we will be drinking for around 10 hours. This could be very interesting, but I'm a lot happier about going by myself now cos ofNatt andSarahh. We are all going to help faye get ready the morning of the wedding as well so it should be good. Roll on next weekend.

WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2005-06-22T13:25:00.000-06:00

It's all over my final exam has come and gone. It actually went quite well, all the things that I wanted to come up came up. It was just such a great paper!!! The 6 approaches with the research methods and there contributions to psychology, the nature/nurture debate and good old Milgram with ethical guidelines. And doing my AS a couple of weeks ago has helped with it so much. I am actually surprised about how much I actually remembered about it all.
So yeah no more doscat for me!!!! After 3 years it is such a good feeling to be finished!
It was so funny in the car back from college, heidi and me just had the music on full blast, windows down and bopping along. We were so hyper it was just funny! The summer is here and I am determined to enjoy it. The celebrations are being put on hold until friday where it will be huge piss up with faye's hen night and us finishing our exams.
But before that I have the evilness of the award ceremony tomorrow night, I am dreading it so much!!!!!!! Let's see how much of a fool I make of myself tomorrow.

The final cramming session

2005-06-21T16:32:00.000-06:00

Tonight is the final push of cramming before my final exam tomorrow afternoon. So another night of caffeine and lack of sleep ahead for me but hey ho. I can't quite believe that after 3 years tomorrow it will be all over. No having to go back to GLOSCAT except for stupid award evening crappy thing on thursday evening. I was talking to Vix tonight we have both been at good old Doscat for 3 years now and neither of us can quite believe its going to be all over. I've had lectures with her for 3 years now and I can't believe its all over. I still haven't told her of any of my others mates about my award thing so I am hoping faye keeps her mouth shut about it tomorrow cos I really don't need them finding out about it. It's scary vix and me realised that in the whole of my A2 group I am the only person moving away to go to uni in september, the rest of them are either taking years out, going to uni in cheltenham or doing faye's part time degree course back at Doscat. It's made me think that in 12 weeks time I will be leaving Cheltenham and leaving them all behind. Not a great thought right now.

2005-06-21T06:12:00.000-06:00

Sheryl Crow - Strong Enough

God, I feel like hell tonight
Tears of rage I cannot fight
I’d be the last to help you understand
Are you strong enough to be my man?

Nothing’s true and nothing’s right
So let me be alone tonight
Cause you can’t change the way I am
Are you strong enough to be my man?

Lie to me
I promise I’ll believe
Lie to me
But please don’t leave

I have a face I cannot show
I make the rules up as I go
It’s try and love me if you can
Are you strong enough to be my man?

When I’ve shown you that I just don’t care
When I’m throwing punches in the air
When I’m broken down and I can’t stand
Will you be strong enough to be my man?

Lie to me
I promise I’ll believe
Lie to me
But please don’t leave

I let you in and you let me down

2005-06-21T02:48:00.000-06:00

At the age of 11 I asked Heather to be my godmother and for whatever reasons of hers she agreed to do it. At the time I thought she was best person to take this role which in my eyes was going to be quite significant. However now I do not know my reasons of asking her back then and why I thought she was the right person. I wish I could remember back then, maybe it might help me realise something about her that I have forgotten or maybe it might make me realise how idealistic I was at the age of 11. I don't know but it would give me some answers right now.

When I was up at my sisters a couple of weeks ago we were having a deep and meaningful about everything that had been happening and it led on to what happened with Heather. My sister said to me that your relationship with Heather hasn't been good for years and I don't understand why you ever asked her. And I told her I don't know why I did at all.

My relationship with Heather has been difficult for many years and I can't even remember a time anymore when it was actually good. I can remember us doing things which were good but then something came along and hindered it all. We have always had a weird relationship as she was my guide leader and then became my ranger leader, and even now we are joint ranger leaders in our unit. Not that long ago she even told me herself that she doesn't know how I have survived through it all as she was always harder on me than anyone else. And don't I know it! Yeah I understood that she didn't want to be seen by anyone to be giving me special treatment and I never wanted it either. But when she treats me so much harsher than anyone else that the other girls are picking up on it and asking me what is going on between us- it causes a slight problem. We kept it from everyone for as many years as possible and then at rangers it all ended up in the open and it was easier when it was because people just accepted it and moved on. I always believed that she didn't know she was being so hard on me but her confessing it to me has made me think even more about it. Maybe she wanted to be hard on me so I would leave and she wouldn't have to see me in that capacity or maybe she just did it to make me stronger as a person. I don't know her reasoning but I'm scared if I find out it will just make things even worse between us.

When my Dad got meningitis and was rushed to hospital I was left with my Granddad by myself and I was a complete mess. My mum had given me a list of people to ring like my sister, brother and my mum's best friend. But no the first person I rang was Heather she didn't really speak to me and she was no help. I also rang my friends back who were at a party at the other side of town. An hour later I had a group of 6 of them on my doorstep trying to look after me. What did I get from her one phonecall 3 days later cos she wanted to know if my sister's wedding was still going to go ahead. I was only 15 and I had overheard something someone had said at the house and I knew he was in a critical state and it was touch and go for the first 48 hours. My mum was with my dad and I had to be at home with my granddad to let people know what was happening. I rang her because I needed her and she wasn't there. The same thing happened when my granddad died I rang her because I needed her and she was no where to be seen. My parents got a card from her later that week sending her sympathies and apologising she wouldn't be at the funeral as she was going away.

The morning of the overdose she was the person I rang cos I needed help and didn't know where to go and as she is a nurse I thought she would know. You would think when a 16 year old asks you where do you go if someone has taken an overdose, that an alarm would be going off or something to figure out if it was one of my friends or if it was me. When I was at the hospital she was the person I asked them to phone cos I thought she would be there and help me tell my parents what had happened. Well she came to the hospital and basically had a huge go at me which was understandable but that was it. And I can understand her not wanting to be there as I had fucked up and hurt so many people with what I had done. She told me that I had hurt so many people and that if I ever start to feel that bad to tell someone and that she would always be there. Well I asked for her help 3 weeks ago and we all know the ending of that.

For so many years it has always been the same when she wants to see me I have to be there but when I need her or need to see her she never has the time. I told her once how I felt and then we just got into a huge fight with me being the bad person at the end of it. After that I have never wanted to tell her how I felt about our relationship since. From about the age of 16 she has always told me that there is a room for me at her house. When everything came out about my parents leaving she told me I could move in with her and stay with them for Christmas and holidays etc. But about 6 weeks ago I got the truth she told me I can help you with all the practical things like driving you to university and storing your extra stuff. I can also come up and see you and take you out for meals and stuff. She has also decided to give me a laptop. All things I don't want or need, I need people who are going to be like my family to me and if there is a problem I can phone them and they would be there-which I have found out she won't be. She always seems to shower me with presents and take me out for meals and drinks etc. But she doesn't get it I don't want her money. She asked me this year what I wanted for my birthday and I told her I just want to be able to spend some time with you by ourselves doing whatever even if it just means sitting down and having a chat that would of been good enough for me. Instead she decides she has to take me out to an expensive restaurant and go out for drinks, even though I couldn't even drink.

She seems to think that she knows me so well when she hasn't got a damn clue. She thinks she knows how I feel about going uni and my parents leaving-she hasn't got a clue. She doesn't know what I need anymore and I wish I had never asked her to be my godmother. I'm meant to be going to her place next Friday to cook a meal for her and her husband but I don't even want to go anymore. She is making me avoid going to rangers because I can't deal with seeing her the whole time.

I wish I could break the tie between us because at the moment it just seems to be an entirely hurtful and negative relationship. I know the whole thing isn't all her fault and it has a hell of a lot to do with me as well. But I think the blame of this whole thing does lie with me the day I asked her to be my godmother 8 years ago. If I could go back and change it I would but that's the joy of hind sight.

The summer has finally arrived

2005-06-20T07:45:00.000-06:00

This weekend has been one of those long weekends where you get nothing done that you had planned. My sister and her hubby came down for the weekend as it was fathers day yesterday. I think this weekend was good but I don't really now, I just seemed to walk along in it with everyone telling me what to do and last night I was laying in my bed thinking where did "my" weekend go? They had theirs but where was mine.
Yes I love my family very much but it just bugs me at times that they think I will always fit in with their plans. I had revision to do this weekend for my final exam on Wednesday- did I get to do that? No! I have 13 days now to finish making faye's wedding present, I am not even half way through it but did I get to that? No!
In the end I just seemed to be following behind all of them being told what I was doing. Doing the first bbq of the summer but I got to play with fire so that wasn't so bad. I think the top of the iceberg yesterday was we had told dad he could have whatever he wanted to eat as it was fathers day- so he chose homemade pizza and greek salad. With the heat at over 30 degrees yesterday I spent over 2 and a half hours in a boiling hot kitchen with the oven on full blast making pizzas from scratch for the whole family. While they all swaned around doing whatever they wanted to do. My sister had agreed on Friday that she would help me do the meal- but oh no, she goes out shopping then comes back going I'm all hot and tired so I'm going to go into the garden and chill out with some ice tea. Was I allowed to do that? I think not!
Well anyway my dad liked his day and my brother rang him as well which made it even better. Maybe I should take it the weekend was a good weekend then. I don't know. Maybe I'm just being too selfish and when my family are here I should give everything up and do whatever it is they want to do.

My counsellor did ring me on Friday as I hoped she would, she still hasn't spoken to my doctor yet as he seems to be doing a good job of avoiding her. She asked me how my week had been and I couldn't tell her how much I had messed up that week. I have always been able to tell her anything before because I know she is the one person who won't judge me for it and I don't know why I didn't tell her because it is something I need to talk to someone about. Maybe it will now become one of those things that I just end up keeping to myself and never telling anyone.

My sister this weekend made some comment to me that is now stuck in my head and for some reason I can't get rid of it. When she arrived on Friday I was up in my room listening to music and singing along like I do. I never even heard her come in and she just says to me- "how many times have you listened to that album this week since I gave it to you?" I reply -"2/3 times." She just looks in shock at me and asks me if I'm being serious. Yes I was being serious. And then the comment comes out- "How do you do it? I give you an album with every song on it you have never heard before. You listen to the whole thing 2/3 times and now you can sing along to it knowing all the words. You always seem to do that but I want to know why? You seriously are a very strange/'special' sister." I never have even noticed that I do it, up until she listens to me without me knowing she is there and she figures it out. I don't know why I keep thinking about it but I do. I think from now on I have to play my music a little quieter so I can here when people are coming within ear shot. Or even safer I just don't sing anymore-now that would be the safest option for everyone.

The adrenaline has stopped

2005-06-17T04:54:00.000-06:00

Well I have had my exam this morning and it was an evil paper!! I blagged my way through most of the child paper, making up studies as I went along and by the sounds of it I wasn't the only person who did it either. And the essay question on cultural factors that affect child peer relationships- what the hell?!!!! Serious waffling happened there with lots of blagging, here's hoping I got some sort of marks.
I'm not the only one who hated the paper either and my friends have the same attitude as me about it. But we seem to be the peeps who are older than the rest of them or who are retaking the year like I am. The rest of our group just don't seem to understand that this is our last chance, if we don't get the marks we don't go to uni. They can retake next year but it's not possible for us, we have to start paying stupid amounts of money to do the course next year just cos we are over 19.GRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The only good thing about the exam though was that we had a really cute avigilator. Faye and me were joking before hand saying lets hope we have a cute avigilator cos it will make it less painful and we walk in the room and there he was- WOOHOO!!!!! It was so funny he seemed really intimidated by the fact that he was stuck in a room with 15 girls who were all thinking-hmmm we have some good eye candy happening here. He seemed so relieved when it was all over. One of my mates said to me afterwards you should of taken the other paper just to be able to sit in a room looking at him for another 90 minutes. But however cute he was I couldn't deal with that torture of sitting another paper.
Oh I also found out today that one of my friends is receiving an award next week for high academic achievement so we have decided we will suffer through the torture together. But faye had told her about I about 2 months ago and told her not to tell me cos she wanted to tell me herself. Well she never told me and she thought she had. But I also found out the torture of the award ceremony gets worse as faye has to write a bit about us to be read out before we get given this award- THIS IS MY WORST NIGHTMARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Especially as I found out what the award is for, apparently is for students who have extenuating circumstances but still try to achieve at that subject. Which basically means, meg its taken you 3 years to do a 2 year course, you might still fail the course but at least you tried. oh what a wonderful award to be looking forward to be getting!! I wish I had never agreed to go now-RAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Time for a power nap and then fill up on more caffeine before going shopping for an outfit for faye's wedding-grrrrrr!!!! Could this day get any worse even if it tried!

Dreading exams

2005-06-16T15:20:00.000-06:00

Tomorrow I have my penultimate psychology exams, child psychology and research methods. I think it will be ok, well I'm hoping it will be ok anyway. As long as tonight I can finally get my head round Bowlby's Attachment theory and remember all the ethics for research on humans & animals, I think it will be ok. But it will all be over by 10.45am tomorrow morning. So I know have under 11 hours to cram before I enter the evil exam room. So tonight I think will be lots of caffeine and lots of mind maps and essay plans. Sleep is not an option right now but I can crash out after I get back from the exam.

I'm really hacked off right now because my mobile has officially died and I was meant to be getting a phonecall from my counsellor this evening. This is just my luck, the night I hopefully might be getting some answers and some help my flippin phone dies! I'm just hoping I can get it fixed tomorrow, or borrow another handset from a friend and hope she tries phoning me again tomorrow night. So much for things working themselves out.

2005-06-15T16:23:00.000-06:00

"What I am to you is not what you mean to me..."

It's time to try and move on from him. I know now that he doesn't feel the same way about me as I do about him. So that is that. Time to finally try and get over him, maybe after 2 years it might be possible to start doing it now. I need to put it all into perspective and stop holding out that something will happen between us. Because it's obvious to me now that it will never happen.

I will just be the friend like always and hope that he will never figure out how I felt about him.

The shock in the post

2005-06-15T07:58:00.000-06:00

Well this morning was like every morning until the post arrived. Where I had a letter from college asking me to attend a Celebrations Evening next week. As my course leaders - Faye &Ali have chosen me to be awarded with The Endeavour Award for Psychology. I showed the letter to my parents and they seemed really happy. My mum shocked me with her reaction though cos she said to me "It says on here that you can take 2 guests, does this mean that you will actually allow me and dad to come with you?" I couldn't believe that she said that, and that I have made them feel like I wouldn't let them come to this.
But to be honest I am still in complete shock that they chose me, I know so many other people on my courses who deserve this award so much more than me. I think an in depth conversation with faye will be coming soon, cos I would like to know why they chose me.I think they are totally off their heads for choosing me, maybe the wedding stuff has made her judgment go wonky. Who knows!!!
Well on another note my friend can't come with me to the wedding after all cos she is going to Barbados, so looks like I am going by myself. This could be an interesting day ahead of me.

Friendship part 2

2005-06-13T17:14:00.000-06:00

Well it’s happened yet again, I relied on someone too much and because of that I have pushed them away. I should have seen it coming, why would anyone want to have to deal with me right now? I don’t even want to deal with me right now. I sucked too much energy and time from them and because of that I am loosing them. I should of learnt by now that the only person I can ever be dependent on in this life is me.
I have realised that our friendship has been one sided for such a long time, I really am a shit friend!
I should never of told anyone what is going on with me. I should of kept it all to myself and just dealt with it. I shouldn’t have told anyone else and put my burdens on them.

Why do people need enemies when they have a supposed “friend” like me?

Friendship

2005-06-13T15:10:00.000-06:00

Tonight I was meant to be at rangers but I couldn't face it. I don't need the girls picking up even more that there is a problem right now. I also couldn't face seeing heather again and sitting there for nearly 2 hours being all smiley and happy and pretending that everything was fantastic. I don't have the energy to keep that mask up right now.
I have realized today how much of a crap friend I am being to everyone right now. I forgot my oldest friend's exam results on Friday. I nearly forgot my friends birthday 2moro until she told me 2nite when it is. I'm seeing my closest friend from college for the first time in nearly 4 weeks 2moro. I'm meant to be organizing Faye's hen night with my other lecturer but haven't even made a start on it yet and have left it up to Ali. One of my friends in Sweden has had huge problems with her work and I haven't been there for her. I am letting everyone down right now and I don't know how to fix it.
Yet again I have let everyone down, how much is this everything repeating itself again.

Sleep

2005-06-12T15:45:00.000-06:00

The sweet essence of sleep. Well it finally happened like I thought it would, my body would give up and let me sleep. Well after pretty much 3 weeks with little or no sleep I finally got a whole 8 hours sleep lastingly-woohoo!!!!!!!!!!! But I now feel even worse than when I wasn't sleeping cos my body just wants sleep continuously now. I am hoping that soon my body will become normal again even if I'm not normal.

Agony aunt

2005-06-12T09:55:00.000-06:00

When I was at school I had a huge group of friends and we were all really close all 16 of us. But somehow over the years I ended up being the agony aunt type person of the group. Any of them who had any kinda problem always seemed to come to me. Why I don't know?! It's not like I have all the answers and they always wanted my advice and I never knew whether what I was saying was right.
Well anyway a few weeks ago one of the few people I have kept into touch from school texted me cos he had a really shitty evening being with his ex etc. And I replied and tried to make him feel a bit better about it. Then a couple of days later I spoke to him and he thanked me for what I said. I didn't think I had actually done anything but hey ho.
When I left school my closest friend there gave me a letter as she was the only one who knew I was leaving at this point. In it there was a poem and she wrote that whatever happened, wherever we were, she would always be there. At the time I just thought it was words, and I kept thinking like that for a long time. Then just before I spent my summer in Canada we had a huge argument and didn't speak for just under a year. I ended up doing one of pieces of research for sociology at my school. And it was then I bumped into her and it was like nothing had ever happened. From then we have kept in touch, it hasn't been steady contact with just a few messages here and there. But a few months ago we started keeping in touch properly, and it seemed to be exactly when she started having problems with her boyfriend. Well lastnight we ended up on the phone for 2 hours cos she had just had a really shitty night with her boyfriend. We haven't spoken like that for 2 years and it was literally like we had always been this close and nothing had ever happened over the years.
She said thanked me as well, and yet again I was like what are you thanking me for? She told me that you always seemed to be there and you always seem to know the right thing to say. I don't get it!! I've never been in a 2&1/2 year relationship, I always seem to fuck up every relationship I'm in. Why would I know what to do or say?
We also got talking about my other friend and that he got in touch with me, and I asked her why she think he did that? She told me that well if he is like me, you were always there in the past and knew what to say and do and most of the time it worked itself out they way you said it would. So coming back to you seems the right thing to do. But I don't think it's the right thing to do! I mean I can't even tell a guy how I feel about him. I can't even sort myself out right now. I don' have the same experiences as them, I don't feel comfortable about dishing out advice anymore cos I don't think I have the right answers.
well anyway after we got off the phone lastnight I found the letter she gave me stuck in my year book. And I re-read it and it wasn't just words anymore. It was true we always seem to be there when we need each other, however long we haven't spoken to each other in between time.
Hmm I don't know it's just all a bit bizarre right now.

2005-06-10T16:11:00.000-06:00

Well I spoke to my counsellor this evening and the outcome was actually quite interesting. But I will write about it when I get home tomorrow cos right now I'm quite drunk and just can't be arsed.
Being drunk and the numb feeling going with it is amazing right now. All I need now is a spliff and a fire and I would be a very happy bunny.

he he - the joy of spell checker

Where to go from here

2005-06-10T07:58:00.000-06:00

Well with everything hitting a head things have changed. As of this morning I have been withdrawn from my clinical and criminal exam next Friday. Which faye actually thought was a good plan so I didn't have any problems doing that but it also means that if I mess up my other 2 exams I won't be going to university.
I spoke to my doctor this morning and right now I want to punch his lights in. He has decided that I am not depressed and just suffering from anxiety and tension. And that I need to talk things out. But my counsellor can't see me now for 4/5 weeks so what am I meant to do? Just sit here feeling worse day by day. So I asked him why he won't give me medication again and he decided that he doesn't trust me that I won't do something "stupid" with them. Does he not think though that if I wanted to do something"stupid" I could get hold of other medication and do it anyway! And the longer I stay feeling like this the more likely that prospect could happen. Because I don't know how many more times I can fight those urges anymore.
So me being me was just getting completely pissed off by this point, and asked him what he classifies symptoms of someone being depressed. So every single thing he listed I am feeling and going through right now. And I have told him, but it just shows he doesn't listen. So I ended up having an arguement with him cos I'm sick of this. How come my lecturer can figure see what is happening, my friends in other fucking countries can see what is happening, and my family can see it. But he can't?!! And he is the one who is meant to be trained to spot these things!!
I have now hit a wall with him now and don't know how I am going to get past it. I have completely broken down in front of him, now had an argument with him and still he doesn't get it. What the hell has to happen before he will realize I need him to help me...
I rang my mom this morning and told her what he had said, and she has the same thinking. What will it take for him to understand I need help and we both thought the same thing and it wasn't a good thing to happen for him to realize it.
I am speaking to my counsellor this evening and I'm going home tomorrow. Who knows what will happen from here, but right now I can't see a path ahead. I just want someone to understand what is happening and give me the help I need right now.

dead squirrel

2005-06-08T07:53:00.000-06:00

I woke up this morning realy badly, I was woken up from a dream by the my phone ringing. But that dream i didn't want to wake up from. I can't believe this dream got to me so much, I was actually crying in my sleep. That can't be right?! But I wish my dream was true. Even thinking about it now, it's brings a lump to my throat. I wish I could just go back to sleep and keep living that dream over and over again.

There is so much i wnat to write about right now but I don't know how to get it down in words. These last couple of days have been so heavy, I have realised so much about myself which just scares the crap out of me. I've also been finding out the truth of what people really think baout me when I'm like this. And how fucked up everyone is figuring out I am.

Maybe I will write about it later, maybe I won't. I don't think anyone reading this needs to know how fucked up I really am, cos they will of already figured it out.

explanation of this weekend

2005-06-07T07:55:00.000-06:00

Ok so it started Friday night, For another night I got absolutely no sleep and just spent the whole night sobbing my heart out. It was a bad, bad night.
Anyway Saturday morning I had a bad, bad feeling that my sister and her hubby would show up out of the blue that day and do the wonderful, aren't we so brilliant we have just come back from Canada!
So yeah at about 1pm, a car pulls up, then our gates open and there they are. As soon as I heard her voice I just broke. Well anyway I tried to get myself sorted so they would think I'm ok. And I thought I had timed it so I could get to the bathroom without anyone seeing my face as I knew they would know I had been crying. Well it didn't happen mum saw my face, asked me if I was ok cos I looked like I had been crying. Well of course I said I was fine but then just couldn't stop sobbing. So I stayed in the bathroom until I had got myself together and I thought my mum had gone, but she was waiting outside the bathroom door. She just looked at me and said what is wrong? And then I just broke into tiny pieces. We ended up talking for a bit then my sister came in and I asked if I could stay at her's for a bit just to get away. I also told her how crap my doctor had been and that I can't see my counsellor. So she is phoning her counsellor and trying to get her to see me.
Maybe this means I might be able to get some help at last. Maybe someone can do something or give me something to stop me feeling like this. Well that's what I am hoping anyway.
So Saturday night I went back to my sisters place. I don't know how long I am going to be up here for, most probably until Wednesday or Thursday. They don't really understand what is wrong and I'm having to be all happy around them which doesn't help.
But I had to tell heather what happened cos I won't be at rangers tonight. And the reaction I got was well take care. My faith in that woman redeeming herself in my eyes has just disappeared. Looks like I am really figuring out who I can actually count on when things get tough and I now know she isn't one of them.
The only thing which would make things better right now is to get some actual sleep, like 6-8 hours worth of it but it hasn't happened so far. But I am hoping if my body wants sleep I will eventually get it.

Oh how peachy everything is right now

2005-06-05T17:17:00.000-06:00

Things have been really bad this weekend and still I am finding hard to explain it. I am now up at my sister. Yes you read it right I am at my sisters who I do not get on with at all right now. And right now for the first time in weeks I actually feel safe to be alone through the night.
I will explain it all tomorrow when I get on here and post privately while they are at work and I don't have them looking over my shoulder. I don't have the energy right now to go and try and explain it all again.
The shit has hit the fan and now I am seeing what will happen next...

The black sheep

2005-06-03T14:25:00.000-06:00

I am so flippin' angry right now. Since my sister got back yesterday all my parents talk about whenever they see me, is what she did on her trip and how brilliant it is about her moving to Canada with them etc.
They then asked me the question of what did the post from salford uni say? So I told them it had my term dates etc in it about everything I need to sort before I get there. My dad then patted me on the head like I was a pathetic little animal. My mother then decided to tell me, well you decided not to let us go to the see the university etc. To which point I nearly lost it, I told them if they gave me a date they wanted to go up there I would ring the uni etc and sort it out. But they showed no interest in it what so ever so I didn't push it.
And today it has finally clicked, the reason why they have showed no interest in any of it. the havent wnated to see where I am going to be living for the next 3 years. They dont want to talk about the necessary finances etc. It's all becuase they think i will end up going with them. They think that if they don't talk about it I won't be interested in it anymore and follow the "wonderful" example of my sister &her hubby and go with them.
So guess who is now the black sheep of the family?!
I may not like what they are doing but at least i am supporting them. For god's sake I'm even helping do up the house for it to be put on the market at the end of this month. I haven't told them what is happening with me because I don't wnat it to stop them going, or make it harder for them to leave. I am supporting them 100% and why can't they just support my desiscion.
Just because I'm not following them why can't they be happy for me like they were happy for my brother when he left for canada? Why is this such a fight to do everything right now?!

Repercussions of rangers

2005-06-03T07:05:00.000-06:00

Well I actually got 4 hours sleep last night it was a big achievement - WOOHOO!!!
But got woken up this morning by the wonderful text from heather. Just the start to my day that I didn't need. I texted and told heather last night that I didn't need to stay at hers after all on Monday. The reply I got this morning was
"I'm glad you feel like you don't need to stay."
With reactions like that I'm glad I didn’t tell her what has been happening. If one of my rangers can pick up that something is wrong this is not what I need.
I had a phone call from my counsellor this morning and she cant fit me in for at least 3/4 weeks. So the question is where do I go from here now..

Rangers

2005-06-02T16:10:00.000-06:00

Tonight I thought was going to be a good night at rangers. And for most of it, it really was good. I thought Helen (one of the other ranger leaders) was going to be a bit shitty with me. But no it was all good, we had a great chat and it was all good. I had a good laugh with the girls. But then Heather(my godmother) showed up.
She was just a total bitch towards me. She was lovely, nice as pie with everyone else. Then when we going back to start the bbq, I ended up in a room with her by myself and she was just really pissy and said so you want to stay monday night then. She was so aggressive and pissed off with me, I knew at that moment she didn't want me to stay. She also decided to tell me that I could only stay over night rather than a few days. We were then left by ourselves at the bbq. She couldn't say a single word to me. We just stood there in silence.
So I'm not going to stay at hers. I can't plain and simple. I thought I could trust her and she would understand what was happening with me and give me some of the support I actually need right now. Oh f*cking no she couldn't do that. That would be too much like hard work. But I know when I tell her I'm not going to stay, I will get the lecture of your hurting people again. Your being a selfish bitch again etc. I need help and support right now and there is no where left to turn. I just give up, I can't do this fight anymore.

2005-06-02T07:15:00.000-06:00

Yet another shitty night behind me. Yet another night full of being awake. Another morning feeling like I have a hangover without even drinking an alcohol. Trying to hide all of this from my parents is getting harder. My mother decided to inform me lastnight that the black circles under my eyes were getting worse every day. She then decided to come into my room at 3 am and say to me, your still awake?! I think she finally understands now when I say it is normal now for me not to sleep. My dad came down stairs this morning and was like-what are you doing up? You should be asleep, then my parents decided to talk between themselves and figure out I'm not sleeping. So I am waiting for the lecturers to begin, they decided lastnight becuase I wasn't eating something has to be wrong, on top of not sleeping as well. My patience levels are running lower every day and if they start the lecturing and questioning I don't know how long I am going to be before I snap. But I can't snap! They can't know what is going on but it's harder to hide this every day.
It was so good this morning my head hurt so much that my brain just seemed to shut down for an hour. Which was so good. But then wham when the pain was fading and my head went back into over drive again.
I have been trying to figure out what is different about this time to last time cos at least time I was coping in some sort of way. Now I just seem to be crumbling, quicker and quicker. Last time I still had some sort of faith/belief to hang on to. That isn't there anymore. I don't know but I wish I did.
I'm hoping after rangers tonight I should actually be able to get some sleep. Because I can't keep fighting with myself to get through to the morning. I don't want to feel completely and utterly alone. That no one understands me. I don't want to keep feeling like a burden on everyone. I want the pain which is aching inside me to stop. I want the crying to stop, I want the mental torture which goes on in my head to go. I just want to be normal for one night and get some sleep and not want to end it all.
If anyone is reading this and it makes any sort of sense to them they are doing better than me. I'm even finding hard to write and form proper sentences now. So much for my successful revision this week.

Last night

2005-06-01T10:33:00.000-06:00

I never want another night like lastnight. I don't think I can cope with more nights like that. Not sleeping I can deal with, the anxiety attacks I can deal with I guess but the rest I can't.
A friend told me if I ever needed to talk to her day or night to call her, well I needed to call her but l couldn't. My mother decided that she was gonna stay down stairs where the phone was so I couldn't ring her. I can't cope with feeling that bad. I thought this morning that it was a new day and everything would be ok. How wrong was I, I'm just getting further and further down, and it is speeding up more and more. I want to get out of this spiral but I don't even know how to anymore.
I think the only good thing about lastnight was that I made it through to this morning.
I have become far too dependent on 2 people, firstly I feel bad for always dumping everything on them. The other problem is that neither of them live in the same country as me. There is no-one I can tell here what is actually going on. I have tried to talk to my godmother but she doesn't get it. I can't tell my parents, my mates who I could tell are all at uni. Then there is faye I wish I could tell her, she knows things are getting bad again but I don't want to dump all my crap on her as she is so happy with her wedding in 4 weeks time.
I just want to feel better and happier and I don't know how much longer I can cope feeling this bad anymore.

2005-05-31T16:35:00.000-06:00

Today has been a hard day with too many things happening.

1) faye said the case study was spot on so I don't have to do any extra work on it-woohoo!!

2) I was looking through all my photos tonight and it was the first time since my granddad died 18months ago that I have looked through all the photos of us and not cried- it was a good achievement for me.

3)I went to the doctor and yet again he has decided that I have to go back to my counsellor. But it took him 20 minutes just for me to agree to leave my number for her to call me. I don't want to go back as I don't think it will help anymore. We both know that if I went back on my happy pills it would have to be the old ones which worked but they have changed the procedure to get them and the only way I can be prescribed them now is for a psychiatrist to give them to me. I really don't want to have a psych assessment. And the other option is Prozac and I don't want that either. We will see in time what happens I guess.

4)Why does such bad things always happen to people who don't deserve it. A really close friend mum's cancer has come back and I don't know how any of them can be so strong. My friend tries to keep it together so much cos she doesn't want her mum to see how she feels. Other than her boyfriend I am the only one who she opens up to but I never know what to say. I wish I could just wave a magic wand and to make it all better for her. I feel like such a crap friend when she needs me the most.

5) there is a guy out there who knows who he is if he reads this. I wish there was something I could do to say thankyou to him. He always seems to be there when I am getting to my lowest. He always lets me moan, bitch and complain at him. And lets me dump all my crap on him. I feel so bad for always doing it to him. I don't think he knows how thankful I really am for all the times he has been there. So if you do read this- Thankyou and I mean it from the bottom of my heart! If there is anything I can ever do for you please let me know. You have helped me more than you will ever know.

2005-05-31T11:32:00.000-06:00

There he goes just walking far, far away
He doesn’t even know I will miss him
That my heart is breaking with every step he takes
He looks behind as he leaves but sees no one
But I am standing there looking straight into eyes
Hoping to reach his heart
But I am invisible to him
He does not see anyone but a friend he had
He will never know that I was there
How I felt about him
I will just have to let go of him
Try and move on.
Try and turn around and make a step in the other direction.

Escaping from revision

2005-05-31T05:16:00.000-06:00

Thankyou spencer a great escape from revsison!!
The idea is that you copy the list to your own blog, remove my comments and replace my checkmarks with your own answers. Participation is optional.

Have you ever: (check all that apply)

(X) smoked a cigarette? (smoked too many)
(X) smoked a cigar?(tried a drag and oh my god it was bad!)
(X) smoked anything else?
( ) made out with a member of the same sex?
( ) crashed a friend's car?
(X) been in love?
(X) been dumped?
( ) shoplifted?
( ) been fired?
( ) been in a fist fight?
(X) had feelings for someone who didn't have them back? ((Don't even go there)
( ) been arrested?
(X) made out with a stranger?
( ) gone on a blind date?
(X) lied to a friend? (haven't we all)
(X) had a crush on a teacher?
(X) skipped school?
( ) slept with a co-worker?
(X) saw someone die (not on TV)? (wouldn't recommend the experience to my worst enemy!)
(X) drank till you puked?
( ) been in an abusive relationship?
(X) been attracted to someone that your friends thought was unattractive?
(X) cheated while playing a game? (has no one ever played cheat!)
(X) been lonely? (too many times.)
(X) used a fake ID?
(X) had deja vu? (All the time)
(X) felt an earthquake? (It was in manchester a few years ago)
( ) been robbed?
(X) robbed someone? (stupid girl that i was!)
( ) been suspended from school?
(X) been in a car accident?(split my head open-such a nice memory)
(X) witnessed a crime?
(X) had deja vu? (didn't I alreasy answer that question!)
(X) questioned your heart?
(X) been lost? (in amsterdam that was interesting)
(X) been to the opposite side of the country? (Well england isnt that big)
( ) swam in the ocean?(One day i will)
(X) cried yourself to sleep?(too mnay times)
(X) sung karaoke? (He he he-drunken memories)
( ) not had enough money for food?
(X) paid for a meal with only coins?
( ) made prank phone calls?
(X) laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose?
(X) kissed in the rain?
(X) crashed a party?
( ) have traveled more than 5 days with a car full of people?
(X) had a wish come true?(Just have to keep wishing and one day one will come true!)
( ) told a complete stranger you loved them?
( ) had sex in a park?
(X) had a dream that you married someone?
(X) worn the opposite sex's clothes? (Guys shirts are just comfier to paint in)
(X) ever felt the presence of a ghost? (not a ghost but a spirit yeah)
(X) worn a really ugly outfit to school? (School uniform for 5 years-oh it was bad!)
( ) gone streaking?
(X) been pushed into a pool/lake with all of your clothes on?
( ) pushed someone into a pool/lake with all of their clothes on?
( ) been told you were hot by a complete stranger?
( ) broken a bone?
( ) caught a fish then ate it?
( ) made porn?
(X) laughed so hard you cried?
(X) cried so hard you laughed?
( ) mooned/flashed someone?
(X) cheated on a test? (far too many times)
( ) gone skinny dipping?
( ) been kicked out of your house?
( ) cheated on a girlfriend/boyfriend?
(X) had casual sex with a close friend?
(X) had sex with someone and later were ashamed to admit it?
(X) felt crushing defeat?
(X) felt thrilling victory?
( ) snuck out of parent's house )
(X) been to Canada
( ) been to Mexico
(X) been on a plane
( ) thrown up in a bar
( ) eaten Sushi
( ) been snowboarding
( ) been moshing at a concert
(X) taken painkillers (yay-painkillers)
(X) love someone right now
(X) laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by
(X) made a snow angel
(X) had a tea party(all the time when i was little)
(X) flown a kite (always seems to be by kite eating trees)
(X) built a sand castle
(X) gone puddle jumping
(X) played dress up (who hasn't when they were little?)
(X) jumped into a pile of leaves
( ) gone sledding
(X) fallen asleep at work/school
(X) watched the sunset (but sunrises are better)
( ) touched a snake
(X) been tickled
(X) been misunderstood (everyday)
(X) pet a reindeer/goat (the goat tried to eat my scarf as well grrrr!)
( ) won a contest
( ) had detention
(X) had braces (too many for too many years!)
(X ) eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night (whilst watching lots of crappy films and drinking lots of alcohol)
(X) danced in the moonlight
(X) hated the way you look (still do)
( ) pole danced
(X) been obsessed with post-it notes (exam time + post it notes all around my bedroom)
(X) squished barefoot through the mud
(X) felt like dying
(X) played cops and robbers (hasn't every kid)
(X) recently colored with crayons/colored pencils/markers (lots of colourful mindmaps with revision notes-he he)(X) done something you told yourself you wouldn't
(X) caught a snowflake on your tongue
(X) written a letter to Santa Claus (I still have the reply from the north pole in a box somehwere as well)
( ) been kissed under a mistletoe
(X) watched the sunset with someone you care about
(X) blown bubbles
(X) made a bonfire on the beach
( ) humped a monkey
(X) worn pearls
( ) jumped off a bridge
( ) screamed "penis" in class
( ) ate dog food(ate cat milk treats though when i was little)
(X) sang in the shower
(X) have a little black dress
( ) glued your hand to something
( ) got your toungue stuck to a pole
( ) kissed a fish
( ) been a cheerleader (thank god we dont have cheerleaders over here!)
(X) sat on a roof top
(X) screamed at the top of your lungs
( ) done a one-handed cartwheel
( ) talked on the phone for more than 6 hours
(X) stayed up all night
( ) didn’t take a shower for a week
(X) pick and ate an apple right off the tree
(X) are scared to watch scary movies alone
(X) been easily amused (everyday cos I am so simple minded)
(X) slept naked
( ) French braided someones hair

Weird, weird day!

2005-05-30T17:20:00.000-06:00

Today has been really strange, firstly I had a dream which has got to me to my very core. I think it was part nightmare or has just scared me to my core anyway. It has been a long time since that has last happened, the scary thing is I can explain it completely with all it's little details. Maybe I will have to do some good old dream analysis on it and figure out what was going on in my head.
Then it was the more painting, the house just has a continuous paint fume smell going on in it. My brain has seriously gone mushy after all the fumes. By the time we finish painting the house I don't think I will have a functioning brain if it carries on like this.
maybe it was the paint fumes or maybe it was just the fact that it all so raw right now but trying to write the case study for faye has been near impossible. It has taken me so, so long to do it. But I have completed a first copy of it anyway. I am guessing I will have to make changes on it but we will say what faye says tomorrow. But here it is:

Through the 3 years I have been studying psychology, I have suffered from depressed, panic/anxiety attacks, self harmed and attempted suicide. Through studying certain parts of the course especially clinical psychology has been extremely helpful. It has made it so I understand the labels I have been given. The statistics have made it so I know that I am not the only person out there with these problems. It has also given me an insight into all the different approaches to these labels.
However at times it has been extremely difficult to study psychology as the issues which I have been going through were in my face all the time. I could not hide from what was happening in my life and it made me think more and more about what was happening with me when all I wanted to do was ignore it. As a whole section of the syllabus was purely on mental health issues and it was continuously being discussed, it actually made me stop studying psychology for 6 months because it was just too difficult for me to have to deal with it all of the time. It also has caused problems for me in counselling sessions. Because after studying the humanistic approach and learning counselling skills, I could predict what the counsellor was trying to do. And at times when issues were to hard I could make it so that wasn't discussed as I knew what was happening.

I also watched part of a film today which annoyed me really badly but I don't have the energy to explain it right now, so I will try and explain tomorrow. So that was my weird day, it may not seem weird to anyone else but it has been weird to me.

Music

2005-05-29T17:45:00.000-06:00

Music used to be my life, whatever I was doing used to have music involved in it somehow. And it was like this until 3 years ago. It used to be my release from everything, if I was angry, upset, frustrated, happy, lonely-however I felt it was there. I would just go in my own world and be able to release everything I felt in a non-destructive way.
I wish I had never given music up, I think it was the biggest regret of my life so far. I tuned into part of the Classical Brit awards tonight, and it got to me something chronic. Within 5 minutes of watching it I was feeling bad. They had Julian Lloyd Weber playing a fantasia from Phantom of the Opera, and then a choir came on and sang something by Mozart I used to sing in choir. It was my old music life summed up into 5 minutes- cello, singing, musicals and choir. The only thing its didn't involve was being in a band.
Whenever I meet up with a couple of my friends who I used to go to school with they always question me, have you started playing music again? If not why not? And will you be doing it again anytime soon? The answers have always been the same, no, no and you know why as you were in our music lessons. They keep telling me I should be doing it, but it's not going to happen. It's not that I didn't enjoy it because I loved every minute of it, and I still love jamming and messing round with my mates now. And I am even jealous of one of my friends who is doing a degree in music at uni this September. But there is a reason I gave it all up and however much I regret it, it doesn't mean I will start again. All of my music (8 years of it) is all hidden away in boxes underneath my bed and maybe they will come back out again. But I don't think that day will be anytime soon. And if they do come out, it won't be me being public about it.
In the last year I have been thinking about it more and more, I have tried to make moves to start up the cogs to be able to do these things again. But my old choir master never got back in touch with me and an old music teacher who is the only one I ever trusted never got back in touch. Maybe these are the signs I should be following. Music is my past and it should stay there.

Sunshine, cocktails and bbq's

2005-05-29T14:59:00.000-06:00

Today has been a good laugh. I met up with a couple of good friends and we went for lunch and drinks. And of course the pub which we go to had 2 for 1 deals on all their cocktails- he he he! The sun was shining so we sat outside and just drank lots of cocktails, chilled out and sat in the sun. It was good. And I'm quite proud of myself as well, lots of alcohol and no cigarettes, it was an achievement and a half. But both of mates disapproved of me smoking anyway-so yeah.
Anyway when I got back this evening I was sat in the garden when our neighbours next door came out. I had noticed yesterday that some cute guys were staying for the weekend. And it was them in the garden, they set up the bbq, and oh I loved the smell, cos they put wood on it to burn as well-WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!!
And then came the pot, I was just sat there thinking how much would I love to be next door smoking pot with them. But that wasn't gonna happen, so I decided to retreat inside and hide from the gorgeous smells coming from outside. Before the green eyed monster lured its ugly head.
But now sat in my room its all good, chilling with lots of candles and pine incense sticks-it smells like I have a wood fire in my room. Oh how I am loving it!
Oh god I have just realized, my sister and her hubby come back from Canada this week- grrrr!!!!!!!!!!! That means I'm gonna have to talk to them-bah! And even worse all they are gonna go on about it my niece and nephew, I do not need them rubbing salt into that huge gaping wound right now. Maybe I should just try avoiding them for as long as possible. It's not like they it will be a 2 way conversation. Avoidance is the way forward I think!

Stupid, stupid girl!!!

2005-05-28T18:25:00.000-06:00

I am such a stupid idiot right now, and talking it through with my friend lastnight she completely agrees with me. Why do I fall, really, really badly for a guy when it's completely the wrong time?!! And I know it will never work out! I end up doing it every single bloody time. I know that even if he felt the same way about me it would never work right now. I am so too much totally messed up for any guy to be able to be with me. And I don't think I could cope with it anyway. There is also the fact that I'm moving in September and that wouldn't help any situation at all.
Why is it that when things were going ok I really wanted to be with a guy? Why would it of made it any better? I don't think it would make anything better right now either. I think I would just end up hurting him and most probably screwing him up in the process.
But I wish it would work out. I wish he knew how I felt. I wish he felt the same way. I wish I had stopped myself falling for him so badly.

2005-05-27T16:26:00.000-06:00

Last year at college, faye asked me if I would be one the participants in her PhD study about young adults who self harm. Being the stupid person I am I agreed to do it and that was that. Until this September when she asked if I would do a case study of myself to add to it. So we sat down together and wrote it-bahhh that was a bad memory.
Well anyway a couple of months ago, faye then asked me again if she could interview me for an extra piece of research she was doing on her PhD about psychology students suffering from mental health disorders. Well stupidly again I agreed to do it, and it wasn't as painful as I thought it was going to be. So I stupidly thought it was all over until this morning when I received an email from her saying

"I was wondering if you could write a brief case study about yourself and how studying psychology has helped and hindered you -about 200 words. Because my lecturers want more information from the students I used."

So I have told her I will do it. I have no idea what to write and writing about myself is just scary. I know how hard it's going to be having to write about my past and present issues in more detail from what I have already said. I don't know if I have the strength or energy to do this right now. But I owe faye too much not to do it. I am giving myself until Tuesday to do it, so if there are any changes needed to be made I can do it by Friday.

2005-05-26T16:26:00.000-06:00

JUST RAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

F**KING RAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As you can tell I am quite p*ssed off right now! I wish i could explain why but I'm not even gonna go there!
Let's just say the last ray of hope I had about something has just flown far, far away!

Well one exam down 5 still to go

2005-05-26T10:10:00.000-06:00

Well somehow I did my exam, I got 3 hours sleep which I'm impressed by cos I really thought I wouldn't get any. I got rid of my caffeine shakes before the exam which was good. But I think it was the nicotine fix before the exam that made it ok.

The exam actually went well, well as well as they can. The paper was good, and faye had successfully predicted all the topics that would come up. That has to be a first I think! I feel a lot better about it than I did last time. I messed at least one of the questions up cos I named a study but wrote the findings of another one with it. But it was only 5 marks so hopefully it won't be that bad. I will just have to wait until August 17th to find out now.

It seemed so strange today I had to say goodbye's to peeps at college. I won't have anymore AS lessons, and my mates in that group finish their exams tomorrow. So I won't see them at college again. I may not be good friends with some of the people in my group but I am gonna miss them, they were a good laugh. Hopefully we can meet up after our exams results come out and go out for a drink, cos there will be a couple of us leaving.
I'm actually quite envious of them, cos the rest of them will all be together next year for A2, but I refuse to go back for a fourth year. But hopefully when I visit cheltenham I will be able to catch up with them all.

I found out today that they have decided to give us half term next week so I get the week off which is really good. Which gives me 22 days to learn the whole of this years A2 course. As I have to retake the clinical and criminal papers-hopefully I can actually pass them this time.

So 22 days to go and that will be the end of my college life.

Exams and life

2005-05-25T17:05:00.000-06:00

Well in just over 13 hours my first final exam begins for college. If I don't get a decent mark on this exam after doing it for 3 years now I am stuffed for uni next year!
But it is so different at college this year than last year. Faye told me on monday she is getting married on 3rd July. So she is so relaxed about it all and hasn't been doing the scary thing in our lecturers. Which has actually helped I think. She has asked me to go to the wedding, she has also asked me to do a reading during the ceremony. It's all a bit scary especially as I'm her only student who has been invited..However the invite is for me and a guest. Well the person I wanted to ask and I know would actually really enjoy it- I couldn't ask him. I know he wouldn't be able to go so I have asked another friend instead. But I am now dreading going. I hate how I look right now, and the friend I am taking with me is like a size 8/10. Well I am not that size and I'm going to look like a huge whale in comparison, plus having to go up in front of everyone as well. It's just bad- but I promised faye I would do this for her so I have to face my demons and do it.
Maybe if I can do the reading successfully and get over my fears there, then I might be able to tell this guy exactly how I feel about him. And I won't just have to hide behind our friendship anymore.
Only time will tell.

More revision for me and maybe I might get some sleep before my exam tomorrow afternoon.

2005-05-25T11:45:00.000-06:00

Well the truth has begun to come out. I found out last week that one of my friends knows me far too well. She figured out what was going on with me. And it actually feels better someone knowing.
It has all got beyond a joke now, I don't want to be going through this anymore. I wish it would all go away and I could feel normal for a while. Yet again the past is repeating itself and I have been pushing anyone close away from me. It's not that I like to do it, cos I don't. It just an automatic unconscious thing which stops me hurting everyone else around me. Plus they also have enough happening in their lives without me dumping my crap on them.
I just want to be floating near the top again, rather than sinking further and further down. I want a day when it isn't a struggle to get through it and to make sure I'm still here the next day. I want to be able to go to sleep each night not wanting to wake up the next morning. I want the tears to stop flowing. I just want the pain and loneliness to go. I want to see the sunshine again. I want to smile and it to genuine, rather than a mask to the world. I just want to be normal and happy...

Nature's reflection

2005-05-22T11:39:00.000-06:00

The weather yesterday and today has been great. We have had torrential rain, with hail, continuous thunderstorms with occasional flashes of lightening. It has been great. It was just like mother earth was reflecting how I felt and my total mood.
Everyone else seemed to really unlike the weather, where as I think it has been beautiful. The rain just pouring and pouring, with mixtures of thunder joining it now and again. When the thunder came the rain got heavier. But the rain was continuous, some of it was really light right up to pure hail. I noticed though that people outside in this weather, start to speed their walking up when the rain got heavier. Where as I ended up doing the opposite, I just slowed down and wanted to be in for as long as possible.
It felt just like me. Mother earth knew how I felt and just had to make sure everyone knew as well. The continuous tears, all day - every day. But they get stronger with the anger and frustration. Then they just pour out and there is nothing I can do to stop them. Then I break and my anger comes out and everyone around hears it. But even when the anger fades away the tears are still there and still flow. When will the tears dry up? When will I start feeling the sunshine again?

2005-05-20T15:10:00.000-06:00

There is something that I have wanted to blog about for a while that I have been thinking about a lot. But when it comes to it I can't. I know what to say and I know how to write it, I'm just too scared to put it on here.
If anyone read it who knew me they would know what is really going on in my scrwed up head and I don't want that to happen.
Maybe one day i will just be brave and not care about the consequences.

People who think they know you so well

2005-05-17T16:20:00.000-06:00

I had to go to dinner lastnight with someone who used to be a very important person in my life. However the problem is she still thinks she is, but in actual fact she hasn't got a clue who I am or what I need anymore. But she still thinks she knows me inside out and a couple of glasses of wine will make me tell her everything that is happening in my life and all my inner thoughts and feelings.
Well big surprise I don't work like that. So then she goes on to tell me that I am on my self destructive path again, I am hurting myself and everyone around me all over again. Oh and I'm the one who is studying psychology and should be able to figure all this out. Yeah I am the one who is studying psychology and you never have-so quit lecturing me!
I know exactly what is happening with me, without someone who knows only part of what is going on and thinks she knows the rest, telling me what I am thinking & feeling and how I am living my life.

I just want my little cave and I need it NOW!

It has finally begun

2005-05-15T17:06:00.000-06:00

Well the beginning of the end in cheltenham finally began today with the first set of goodbye's. Our neighbor's who have been family friends for 30 years or more are leaving in the wee hours to go to France for 6 months. So by the time they come back we will all be gone.
When we left we were all crying. Even people who aren't that major in my life make this all so hard!
So my blackmailing point to my parents may have some significance as of this afternoon.
Me being the selfish daughter I am have said to them that if it's this hard to say goodbye to them, how hard will it be to say goodbye to really close family friends, people who are like my parents "best friends".And if they think that is hard then they have to think of them plus my sister& her husband at the airport, having to say their goodbye's to me before going through security, to leave on a plane for me not to see them for however long.

I didn't think today would effect me so much but seeing how it has. I really doubt now whether I am strong enough to get through all of this...

2005-05-13T09:07:00.000-06:00

I want to find a cave which I can move into. I can just put a stone across the entrance and no one will ever know I am there. No one would be able to find me again.
I wouldn't be able to hurt anyone anymore especially the people who mean so much to me. It also means no one could hurt me again either.
I could just hide away from the world and no one would ever have to see me again. I would never have to be a burden again.

I want my cave....

when history starts repeating itself

2005-05-12T05:51:00.000-06:00

There are parts of my life that i thought I had dealt with and were securley in my past. But how wrong was I! I thought I had dealt with it all, sorted it, basically been there,done that, got the t-shirt. Well looks like the t-shirt is coming back again.
I never wanted it to get like this again, I thought that I was strong enough to deal with it all.
Looks like I'm still not strong enough, with the salt backs in the wounds again.

Why am I surrounded by people but still feel like I am alone?

A new life

2005-05-11T06:42:00.000-06:00

As of 4.30pm Alberta time yesterday a very new important person came into this world. My new baby nephew was born, Sean Russell. He sounds like an absolute cutie and I wish I could be there to see him but having photos sent is going to be good enough for the moment. My brother seems to be over the moon, apparently he couldn't keep his hands off him and was just walking through the ward with him in his arms. Yet again my brother who is meant to be all tough, cowboy type has turned all mushy on us.
But the birth of my new baby nephew has made me do more thinking - yeah I know its dangerous. My sister is leaving for 2 weeks in Canada on sunday and will be going to see my brother and his family. And I'm turning into a green monster about it. She has seen my niece more than I have and now she is seeing my nephew when he will be less than 3 weeks old. And guess what I am going to be lucky if I see him at Christmas at what he will be 7 months old. My niece will be 3 years old tomorrow and guess what I have spent time with her for a whole 10 days of her life.
Is staying here the best thing I can do? Do I really want to miss out on seeing my niece and nephew grow up? Am I going to end up having the relationship with them like I have had with my aunts and uncles in I stay here? Never seeing them and never seeing the important things that happen to them.
Can I really give all these things up and stay here? Or do I just give up what I want and go be with my family?
All I know is that being here right now sucks and if I could be in Canada I would do it in a second.

The people of our past

2005-05-08T16:13:00.000-06:00

Today is the 60th anniversary of VE Day. For so many years I didn't pay any attention to this day or not even know what it meant. And apparently even now there are more people like how I used to be. There was a questionnaire on teenagers in school, 70% of them didn't know VE day was, many thought it was actually a day for a STD. What shocked me the most was that 15% of the people asked thought that Adolf Hitler was made up, and didn't actually exist. Is this the generation we are living in now? They do not understand their past or history and all the people who fought for the freedom we have today.
My Granddad was one of those men. He was part of a special regiment who actually fought in Iceland, then went on to fight in North Africa and Italy. To his dying day he never spoke much about what he did and you could see the scars that had buried themselves into his heart. Too deep for anyone to reach and never be able to heal.
He was the final man in the regiment who was still alive and could speak of it until he had the stroke. Then it all dawned upon me, why hadn't I asked him those question? Why hadn't I found out what he did for this country? Why didn't I ask him about the friends he made? But like a normal person we put things off, and then it was too late to ever find out.
I just hope that the other men in his regiment told their families about it, so people will still be able to remember the unique work that they did. And so they will not be forgotten.
I think my granddad just thought he was doing his bit. He earned so many medals through the fighting he did in the war but he never got them. He never wanted to receive them, maybe it was too painful, maybe he just thought he was doing his bit, maybe he thought he was just an ordinary guy and didn't need them. I do not know what he thought. But I have found out that my dad can actually still send off to receive them, and I really want this to happen. I may not have the stories to tell my children, or my grandchildren of how my granddad fought in the war but if I had the medals to show them then they can be as proud of him as I am. And be truly thankful for the work that he did and the freedom he helped give us.
So to all the men and women who fought in the war, thankyou and you truly will never be forgotten.

general election

2005-05-06T14:40:00.000-06:00

Well as everyone knows we had our general election yesterday and guess what tony bliar got back in-big suprise!! But before this election I have never really been interested in politics and I'm still not to a certain extent. But trying to make a judged decision who to vote for was hard, it wasn't until i put the cross in the box that i had decided who to vote for. But how much deception was going on was just scary. Parties not telling you exactly what they were going to do,the oure deception. Can any of them ever be trusted to run the country? I don't think so. I just hope that one of my old school friends who wanted to get into politics does it and gets there and actually makes some sense in society.
Well looks like as soon as I get my BSc I am leaving this country, where to I dont know but staying with labour running the country isn't good. So even if I wanted to stay to do my MSc there is no way I would even be able to afford it. So the point is where do I go......

Why is it that I am always the friend?

2005-05-04T15:19:00.000-06:00

When it comes to guys I really like,why am I always the friend?

Why can't any of them ever see past the friendship?

I am always the person they come to for advice about a girl or if they have a problem with their relationships.

I think I am just invisible.

I just want him to open his eyes and see me there, is it too much to ask?

22 days to go

2005-05-04T14:06:00.000-06:00

Well as the title of this post should tell you it's 22 days until my final exams. I am slowly going very insane. As people are getting more aware of by head had just ended up going mushy. I can't spell, type or even speak properly right now.
My college is being a pain in the ass, they have decided yet again that they aren't going to give us study leave- grrrr!!!! Plus we are meant to have a week off in may but the sixth from centre within the college does not get that week off! And the worst bit which makes us even more bitter is that they owe us a week holiday from january where they dragged our butts in a week earlier cos of our exams then as well.
I am so behind my revision its not even funny right now. My family dont understand what i am worrying about, but I kinda was stupid in march when the results came out. I am actually having to retake 2 exams they don't know about cos I failed them in januray but they think I got c's in them - whoopsie! Well at the time it seemed a good plan, it was easier to lie to them rather than see the disappointment in their faces.
So too much work, not enough time and I'm bloody annoyed about it all right now!!!

Trying to find answers

2005-05-03T12:30:00.000-06:00

I read a friends blog today and it was all about religion. It seemed right to be reading it with me question everything right now and trying to find answers. A lot of things happened whilst I was in Sweden which has made me question everything I believe in. I don't think I could even be pigeon holed anymore even if anyone tried.
I used to be the biggest skeptic and so narrow minded with Christianity being the only answers I could see. But that has all changed. I know that things will get sorted and I will find answers to what happened while I was in Sweden when I figure out what I believe.
So I am now reading everything I possibly can, to try and figure out what it is I do believe in and if it makes sense with anything else. My mother walked in on me lastnight looking at a website about paganism, wicca and Celtic beliefs. The look on her face was a picture, she looked like she had seen me looking at porn. Why are people so narrow minded about these things?

My friend in Sweden who is actually wiccan asked me what I actually believe in.
So what do I believe in?
- I think there is a higher being, whether that is a god, or goddess or a mutual god and goddess together I do not know.
- I believe in Karma and I think that what people give out they will get back, positive or negative.
- I believe in spirits, not ghosts but spirits. And I also know there are nice ones and ones that will harm you.
- I believe in energy and chakras.
- I believe certain stones and crystals hold certain energies, but whether that is actually crystal healing,who knows?!!
- I think that we all go somewhere after we finish this life but I don't know what it is or where it is.
- I believe in Faeries.
- I also believe in the totem system of a person having an animal totem.
- I do believe that Jesus did exist but what the bible says he did, I do question a lot.
- I believe meditation gives answers.
- I believe there is someone who is always watching over us like a guardian.

People may think I am crazy for what I believe in which is why I do not tell people normally. I used to be narrow minded so I can understand where they are coming from. But does it really make me crazy? I know many people who are science based think I am off my rocker. But to them I ask to open their mind just to respect what someone else believes.

Can I be pigeon holed?! Send your answers on the back of a postcard.

song from the radio

2005-05-02T16:59:00.000-06:00

This sing just came on the radio and it pretty much says everything I need to say right now...

I will remember you -Sarah McClaughlan
I will remember you
Will you remember me
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

Remember the good times that we had
I let them slip away when things got bad
Clearly I first saw you smiling in the sun
Wanna feel your warmth upon me
I wanna be the one

I will remember you
Will you remember me
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

I'm so tired but I can't sleep
Standing on the edge of something much too deep
Funny how we feel so much but cannot say a word
We are screaming inside we can't be heard

I will remember you
Will you remember me
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

So afraid to love you but more afraid to lose
Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose
Once there was a darkness deep and endless night
You gave me everything it had, oh you gave me light

I will remember you
Will you remember me
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

Sorting stuff

2005-05-02T16:07:00.000-06:00

I have been down sizing this weekend in my room, going through all my work, music, jewelry, letters and trying to be a bit ruthless getting rid of things. I took some pictures and stuff down from my walls and my room now just looks strange without them. I'm trying to get used to it without stuff up there. Because after my room is repainted in the next few weeks I can't put anything back up on the walls.
I knew it was going to happen, but it has now started really kicking in. I'm leaving cheltenham and my family. I know that possessions are not important but I don't want to loose this house. The walls hold too many memories, and I'm scared if I leave then I will be leaving the memories as well. And I wont be able to get them back.
I know I shouldn't let this get to me. I just have to bloody well grow up, act like an adult and move on with my life. Everyone else is, so I should be to. I have made my decisions so I should be grown up enough to deal with them.

Clearing the air

2005-05-01T06:47:00.000-06:00

This morning when I was trying to get to sleep a huge thunder storm started up and it was amazing. I was sat there at 2am watching out my bedroom window seeing the lightning crashing down, with the wind blowing so hard and the thunder being so heavy and near, my house was vibrating. It felt fantastic and looked stunning, it was the end to the day I needed.

It got me thinking about when I was a kid and was scared of thunder storms.My parents always told me that it was just the clouds having an arguement with each other and it would be over soon. I really do wish this was the case, and it could work with people as well. The clouds have an arguement it then clears the air and you can move on. Where as if you have an arguement with a human the negative points of it and the emotions still linger in the air and they never quite disappear. Why can't we all be like clouds? Why can't we just move on? Why does every arguement seem to embed itself into the relationship? Why do arguements never quite disappear and always rear their heads again in the next arguement?

I think I just want to be a cloud...

The beginning of the end of an era

2005-04-30T22:55:00.000-06:00

A good friend told me not that long ago that my parents moving to Canada and me loosing my childhood home, would make me have the same feelings as suffering grief. And however much I thought it would hurt then, it would get worse in time and I would experience the same motions as grief. I tried to deny it, but like normal she was right. The feelings are embedding themselves into me more and more each day. But it is truly like no understands what is going on.
I keep thinking about what the hell I am doing with my life, is going to salford uni the best thing I could be doing. Should I have chosen to be moving to Canada with everyone else?! I question my decision all the time, and now I am finding it harder to reassure myself that I have made the right decision. But I know that moving to Canada would be the wrong decision as well. The place I want to be and the people I want to be with isn't a viable option and won't be for another 3 years.
Everyone told me that to make this decision I had to be selfish and only think about me and my life. But what they hadn't realized is that everyone else has put me into the position I am in, so I do not get to choose the option which is best for me. As I truly believe none of the options are right. And whichever way it turns out I doubt I will ever be happy with the decision I make.