My new years resolution is to try and get over what you did to me last year.

And then maybe I might be able to learn what intimacy is again.
How I am going to do that I don't know. I tried all my usual tactics but still it doesn't work. It will be a year tomorrow since it happened and I just want the nightmares to end and to try and move on.

Is that too much to try and achieve this year?

I hate what you have helped me become.

Without saying a word you hold your power over my head everyday. And the silence is your power, as you know I would never be able to speak the truth. And of course it is thrown in my face everyday and I have no way of escaping.

I could have turned it all into my advantage but instead I let it eat me from the inside. To the point of no-one else even understands me anymore.

You rule the nightmares in my dreams that never seem to disappear. You seen to take pleasure in coming back to haunt me as you know I now will not break.

But I blame myself for what I let you make me become. I just don't know if I could deal with the guilt of knowing that you did the same thing again and destroyed their life as much as you have done to mine...

So the big adventure into the unknown has not turned out to be so great. What really have I achieved in my 2 years out here. In my eyes pretty much nothing.
I have had more stuff happen to me that I would ever wish upon anybody. And of course no-one out here knows anything about it. If people out here don't know about it then I can try to forget about it - somehow. Other than when it comes and finds me in my nightmares. And the people who I did break down and tell, they are pretty much non-existant parts of my life now.
Something needs to give.

I am so happy that this thing still works. And from what I can figure out no-one uses theirs anymore. So maybe I will finally get some anonymousity.

Blah, blah, blah

Work was so frickin' dead today it was unbelievable. Put it this way I spent 6 & 1/2 hours by myself before anyone even showed up in the bar. And then it was a couple of regulars they noticed I was by myself and decided they felt sorry for me so instead of going for a drive they stayed and had drinks. It was really sweet of them and the last hour and a half flew by which was good. But now I understand why no-one else wanted to work sundays and I have ended up with every sunday. I think the bit that made it worse is that I have nearly finished a 6 day shift and it has been a slow week. I so want Tuesday to come quickly!!!!!
It's getting quite bad when I can't remember what day of the week it is anymore and can't remember when things happened yesterday or today. It just seems to have all merged into one. SO NOT GOOD!!!!!!!!
The only good thing about working a 6 day shift is I get to listen to good music all day every day. And as you peeps know who read this thing from before I like my music. However the only down side of it all is the list of albums I want to get now is getting huge - whoopsie. I just guess I will put it next to my wish list and carry on adding to it. And maybe some day if I become rich i will be able to get half of it. It's quite amusing at work though I have kinda kept my music thing to myself and no one really knows how much I live on music. To be honest I kinda like it that way right now. I don't want my past with the whole singing thing to come out and I know if the music obsession came out the singing and crap would just follow. I will just have to see what happens and if I can keep my past to myself.

Drink of the day: Porn Star - Blue crackle, Red Sour Puss and 7up.

New year, new place, new life

Well I know it's been about nearly 4 months now since I last posted on this thing but I'm guessing life just happened and flew by like normal. (I wonder if anyone even reads this thing anymore?)
The month in sweden in november, was good but had it's difficult patches in equal measures. Then a week left in england, was so peachy keen - not!! That week I finally found out the people who were my friends and the people who weren't and like those things go the salt is still stinging in the wounds.
But I can finally say I made it to the other side of the world and have been living in Canada now for 2 months exactly to the day. (Yeah you read that right 2 months!! So maybe I have proven all those doubters wrong now!)
I have found myself a job at the local village bar (The Bugtussel) and am now half way through my fourth week and it seems to be going well. The locals all seem to like me as I have a funky accent which they can take the piss out of- which is fine by me. Plus it's also a very good conversation starter I have realised, so maybe the evil accent I have has some use after all.
Working in a bar is quite a new one on me but I seem to be finding my feet pretty well, other than when people start asking for drinks which I have never heard of and then I have serious brain dead issues. But it seems to be going that I learn a new drink every day which seems to be going well, if I remember them all that is. I have come to realise that Alix is one small village as I found out 2 weeks ago. A guy came into work and said " Hi meghan" and I was like hi, I never met him before in my life and already he knew my name. It was weird but nice in the same way. (More about that guy in another post at some point). So now at work I known as the Englsih chick by half of the locals who can't remember names and that is fine by me.
And on the home front, living with my brother and his family is actually going really well. I have learnt so much about all of them which there would be no way of finding out if I was still in England. And I am now happy to say that I have a great relationship with my neice and nephew. It is so nice after coming back from work by a smiling face and a hug from my neice shouting "tanty meghan you're home!". Plus getting upset and down in this household doesnt work too well. As all I have to do is look at my neice and nephew and within a few seconds one of them will have me smiling and laughing. I also think that me and Brit are finally figuring each other out after how mnay years and we aren't complete strangers to each other anymore.
I'm not trying to make out that it has all been fantastic since getting becuase it hasn't. It has only been in the last week or so that I finally stopped having daily thoughts of have I made a huge mistake moving over here? Having no friends and no one other than brit and charly to talk to as well is really hard. Yeah talking to my friends back in england and sweden on the net is great but it is not the same as a phonecall or seeing them in person. Plus now working means the chances of trying to catch any of them online is now becoming slimmer and slimmer. Plus not having the computer working for about a week didn't help matters but that is for another post and another day. The only way I seem to be getting through all of this is by reminding myself continously that I made this decision so if this difficult I can't blame anyone but myself for it. It hasn't helped that my emails to people across the pond have been becoming more and more infrequent. But I guess I am still stuck in a mind set which is working, that if I don't think about my friends that I don't miss them. So by not emailing them then I don't miss them. It sounds stupid but that is my brain so very illogical and unique to my thinking.
However I can safely say after 2 months being here I finally think I am starting to settle in and finding my feet in Canada. I am just seeing what life brings to me now. Anyway time to sleep for me as I have my 2nd day of a 6 day work shift tomorrow and I need all the beauty sleep I can get, hopefully it will change this ugly mug of mine.

Drink for the day: Vodka paralyzer - Vodka, creme de cacao, shot of coke and milk.

I feel so scared and lonely right now.

Dyed my hair today - so now have new nice colourful hair - WOOP WOOP!!!!

Found the best new snack - roasted broad beans... Mmmmmmmm.

It's only 12 days until sweden - YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!

So it's still box madness, and trying to sort and pack everything up for moving and for my trip to sweden.

Im going up to Derbyshire on the weekend and doing the first lot of goodbye's. I will be so happy to be back up there again and back to my childhood home.

This really, really made me laugh- thanks chris!

Oh my just look whatt it brings up!!.........
1.) go to google
2.) type in "failure" without the quotes
3.) press the I'm feeling lucky button (instead of the google search one)
and
4.) Laugh

Hurry, before the good folks at google "fix" this....

Question Time:
Does anyone know the score of the Edmonton/Canucks game on saturday night?

How do you pack everything you need to move country into 35kgs?

I realised today I only have 27 days left in England until I move and I am now officially scared. I don't think it had hit me properly what I am actually doing but it has now. I don't regret the decision I have made, but it scares me so much. This is so not a me thing to do, go off to a new country, with barely no money, no job, no permanent plans and no friends near by. I think I am completely off my rocker doing this! I think the insanity has finally taken over.

Stupid British TV Schedulers!!!

Stupid tv programme schedulers over here have hacked NHL - Damn rude twats!!! They are still showing NFL every weekend, so why not NHL?! It's not at all fair!! Yet another damn good reason to be leaving this idiotic country!

I am proud to say I can now make a full thanksgiving meal for the family by myself- yay go me!! Except for this stupid country doesn't sell tinned pumpkin or cranberries because they are supposedly out of season. Wait until American Thanksgiving and the shops will be full of pumpkin, turkeys and cranberries. But I coped, I now have lots of fingers with chunks of skin missing from peeling and hacking pumpkin but the outcome was worth it. Mmmmm I get turkey soup tomorrow!

The rangers were great lastnight and I ran an evening all about Canadian Thanksgiving and they were made honorary Canadians for the evening. It was so special to me that the girls wanted to know about the things I celebrate through my heritage. And they all officially love pumpkin pie which is quite an achievement I think.

It was my parents 35th wedding anniversary yesterday and I am so proud to be their daughter. They truly are a couple who meant what they said when they made their wedding vows however difficult it has been for them over the years. If I ever find a tiny piece of the love with someone like the love they share together I will be a very happy person.

I have given up trying to get pics on my blog for the moment cos my computer just wont do it. It is slowly dying away but it has done me very well and I am just glad I get rid of it very soon! But when I get to sweden I can use my friends digital camera and her compy and will be able to put lots of pics up from my swedish adventures. WOOHOO- hopefully more exciting blog to come!