Today has been a hard day with too many things happening.

1) faye said the case study was spot on so I don't have to do any extra work on it-woohoo!!

2) I was looking through all my photos tonight and it was the first time since my granddad died 18months ago that I have looked through all the photos of us and not cried- it was a good achievement for me.

3)I went to the doctor and yet again he has decided that I have to go back to my counsellor. But it took him 20 minutes just for me to agree to leave my number for her to call me. I don't want to go back as I don't think it will help anymore. We both know that if I went back on my happy pills it would have to be the old ones which worked but they have changed the procedure to get them and the only way I can be prescribed them now is for a psychiatrist to give them to me. I really don't want to have a psych assessment. And the other option is Prozac and I don't want that either. We will see in time what happens I guess.

4)Why does such bad things always happen to people who don't deserve it. A really close friend mum's cancer has come back and I don't know how any of them can be so strong. My friend tries to keep it together so much cos she doesn't want her mum to see how she feels. Other than her boyfriend I am the only one who she opens up to but I never know what to say. I wish I could just wave a magic wand and to make it all better for her. I feel like such a crap friend when she needs me the most.

5) there is a guy out there who knows who he is if he reads this. I wish there was something I could do to say thankyou to him. He always seems to be there when I am getting to my lowest. He always lets me moan, bitch and complain at him. And lets me dump all my crap on him. I feel so bad for always doing it to him. I don't think he knows how thankful I really am for all the times he has been there. So if you do read this- Thankyou and I mean it from the bottom of my heart! If there is anything I can ever do for you please let me know. You have helped me more than you will ever know.

There he goes just walking far, far away
He doesn’t even know I will miss him
That my heart is breaking with every step he takes
He looks behind as he leaves but sees no one
But I am standing there looking straight into eyes
Hoping to reach his heart
But I am invisible to him
He does not see anyone but a friend he had
He will never know that I was there
How I felt about him
I will just have to let go of him
Try and move on.
Try and turn around and make a step in the other direction.

Escaping from revision

Thankyou spencer a great escape from revsison!!
The idea is that you copy the list to your own blog, remove my comments and replace my checkmarks with your own answers. Participation is optional.

Have you ever: (check all that apply)

(X) smoked a cigarette? (smoked too many)
(X) smoked a cigar?(tried a drag and oh my god it was bad!)
(X) smoked anything else?
( ) made out with a member of the same sex?
( ) crashed a friend's car?
(X) been in love?
(X) been dumped?
( ) shoplifted?
( ) been fired?
( ) been in a fist fight?
(X) had feelings for someone who didn't have them back? ((Don't even go there)
( ) been arrested?
(X) made out with a stranger?
( ) gone on a blind date?
(X) lied to a friend? (haven't we all)
(X) had a crush on a teacher?
(X) skipped school?
( ) slept with a co-worker?
(X) saw someone die (not on TV)? (wouldn't recommend the experience to my worst enemy!)
(X) drank till you puked?
( ) been in an abusive relationship?
(X) been attracted to someone that your friends thought was unattractive?
(X) cheated while playing a game? (has no one ever played cheat!)
(X) been lonely? (too many times.)
(X) used a fake ID?
(X) had deja vu? (All the time)
(X) felt an earthquake? (It was in manchester a few years ago)
( ) been robbed?
(X) robbed someone? (stupid girl that i was!)
( ) been suspended from school?
(X) been in a car accident?(split my head open-such a nice memory)
(X) witnessed a crime?
(X) had deja vu? (didn't I alreasy answer that question!)
(X) questioned your heart?
(X) been lost? (in amsterdam that was interesting)
(X) been to the opposite side of the country? (Well england isnt that big)
( ) swam in the ocean?(One day i will)
(X) cried yourself to sleep?(too mnay times)
(X) sung karaoke? (He he he-drunken memories)
( ) not had enough money for food?
(X) paid for a meal with only coins?
( ) made prank phone calls?
(X) laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose?
(X) kissed in the rain?
(X) crashed a party?
( ) have traveled more than 5 days with a car full of people?
(X) had a wish come true?(Just have to keep wishing and one day one will come true!)
( ) told a complete stranger you loved them?
( ) had sex in a park?
(X) had a dream that you married someone?
(X) worn the opposite sex's clothes? (Guys shirts are just comfier to paint in)
(X) ever felt the presence of a ghost? (not a ghost but a spirit yeah)
(X) worn a really ugly outfit to school? (School uniform for 5 years-oh it was bad!)
( ) gone streaking?
(X) been pushed into a pool/lake with all of your clothes on?
( ) pushed someone into a pool/lake with all of their clothes on?
( ) been told you were hot by a complete stranger?
( ) broken a bone?
( ) caught a fish then ate it?
( ) made porn?
(X) laughed so hard you cried?
(X) cried so hard you laughed?
( ) mooned/flashed someone?
(X) cheated on a test? (far too many times)
( ) gone skinny dipping?
( ) been kicked out of your house?
( ) cheated on a girlfriend/boyfriend?
(X) had casual sex with a close friend?
(X) had sex with someone and later were ashamed to admit it?
(X) felt crushing defeat?
(X) felt thrilling victory?
( ) snuck out of parent's house )
(X) been to Canada
( ) been to Mexico
(X) been on a plane
( ) thrown up in a bar
( ) eaten Sushi
( ) been snowboarding
( ) been moshing at a concert
(X) taken painkillers (yay-painkillers)
(X) love someone right now
(X) laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by
(X) made a snow angel
(X) had a tea party(all the time when i was little)
(X) flown a kite (always seems to be by kite eating trees)
(X) built a sand castle
(X) gone puddle jumping
(X) played dress up (who hasn't when they were little?)
(X) jumped into a pile of leaves
( ) gone sledding
(X) fallen asleep at work/school
(X) watched the sunset (but sunrises are better)
( ) touched a snake
(X) been tickled
(X) been misunderstood (everyday)
(X) pet a reindeer/goat (the goat tried to eat my scarf as well grrrr!)
( ) won a contest
( ) had detention
(X) had braces (too many for too many years!)
(X ) eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night (whilst watching lots of crappy films and drinking lots of alcohol)
(X) danced in the moonlight
(X) hated the way you look (still do)
( ) pole danced
(X) been obsessed with post-it notes (exam time + post it notes all around my bedroom)
(X) squished barefoot through the mud
(X) felt like dying
(X) played cops and robbers (hasn't every kid)
(X) recently colored with crayons/colored pencils/markers (lots of colourful mindmaps with revision notes-he he)(X) done something you told yourself you wouldn't
(X) caught a snowflake on your tongue
(X) written a letter to Santa Claus (I still have the reply from the north pole in a box somehwere as well)
( ) been kissed under a mistletoe
(X) watched the sunset with someone you care about
(X) blown bubbles
(X) made a bonfire on the beach
( ) humped a monkey
(X) worn pearls
( ) jumped off a bridge
( ) screamed "penis" in class
( ) ate dog food(ate cat milk treats though when i was little)
(X) sang in the shower
(X) have a little black dress
( ) glued your hand to something
( ) got your toungue stuck to a pole
( ) kissed a fish
( ) been a cheerleader (thank god we dont have cheerleaders over here!)
(X) sat on a roof top
(X) screamed at the top of your lungs
( ) done a one-handed cartwheel
( ) talked on the phone for more than 6 hours
(X) stayed up all night
( ) didn’t take a shower for a week
(X) pick and ate an apple right off the tree
(X) are scared to watch scary movies alone
(X) been easily amused (everyday cos I am so simple minded)
(X) slept naked
( ) French braided someones hair

Weird, weird day!

Today has been really strange, firstly I had a dream which has got to me to my very core. I think it was part nightmare or has just scared me to my core anyway. It has been a long time since that has last happened, the scary thing is I can explain it completely with all it's little details. Maybe I will have to do some good old dream analysis on it and figure out what was going on in my head.
Then it was the more painting, the house just has a continuous paint fume smell going on in it. My brain has seriously gone mushy after all the fumes. By the time we finish painting the house I don't think I will have a functioning brain if it carries on like this.
maybe it was the paint fumes or maybe it was just the fact that it all so raw right now but trying to write the case study for faye has been near impossible. It has taken me so, so long to do it. But I have completed a first copy of it anyway. I am guessing I will have to make changes on it but we will say what faye says tomorrow. But here it is:

Through the 3 years I have been studying psychology, I have suffered from depressed, panic/anxiety attacks, self harmed and attempted suicide. Through studying certain parts of the course especially clinical psychology has been extremely helpful. It has made it so I understand the labels I have been given. The statistics have made it so I know that I am not the only person out there with these problems. It has also given me an insight into all the different approaches to these labels.
However at times it has been extremely difficult to study psychology as the issues which I have been going through were in my face all the time. I could not hide from what was happening in my life and it made me think more and more about what was happening with me when all I wanted to do was ignore it. As a whole section of the syllabus was purely on mental health issues and it was continuously being discussed, it actually made me stop studying psychology for 6 months because it was just too difficult for me to have to deal with it all of the time. It also has caused problems for me in counselling sessions. Because after studying the humanistic approach and learning counselling skills, I could predict what the counsellor was trying to do. And at times when issues were to hard I could make it so that wasn't discussed as I knew what was happening.

I also watched part of a film today which annoyed me really badly but I don't have the energy to explain it right now, so I will try and explain tomorrow. So that was my weird day, it may not seem weird to anyone else but it has been weird to me.

Music

Music used to be my life, whatever I was doing used to have music involved in it somehow. And it was like this until 3 years ago. It used to be my release from everything, if I was angry, upset, frustrated, happy, lonely-however I felt it was there. I would just go in my own world and be able to release everything I felt in a non-destructive way.
I wish I had never given music up, I think it was the biggest regret of my life so far. I tuned into part of the Classical Brit awards tonight, and it got to me something chronic. Within 5 minutes of watching it I was feeling bad. They had Julian Lloyd Weber playing a fantasia from Phantom of the Opera, and then a choir came on and sang something by Mozart I used to sing in choir. It was my old music life summed up into 5 minutes- cello, singing, musicals and choir. The only thing its didn't involve was being in a band.
Whenever I meet up with a couple of my friends who I used to go to school with they always question me, have you started playing music again? If not why not? And will you be doing it again anytime soon? The answers have always been the same, no, no and you know why as you were in our music lessons. They keep telling me I should be doing it, but it's not going to happen. It's not that I didn't enjoy it because I loved every minute of it, and I still love jamming and messing round with my mates now. And I am even jealous of one of my friends who is doing a degree in music at uni this September. But there is a reason I gave it all up and however much I regret it, it doesn't mean I will start again. All of my music (8 years of it) is all hidden away in boxes underneath my bed and maybe they will come back out again. But I don't think that day will be anytime soon. And if they do come out, it won't be me being public about it.
In the last year I have been thinking about it more and more, I have tried to make moves to start up the cogs to be able to do these things again. But my old choir master never got back in touch with me and an old music teacher who is the only one I ever trusted never got back in touch. Maybe these are the signs I should be following. Music is my past and it should stay there.

Sunshine, cocktails and bbq's

Today has been a good laugh. I met up with a couple of good friends and we went for lunch and drinks. And of course the pub which we go to had 2 for 1 deals on all their cocktails- he he he! The sun was shining so we sat outside and just drank lots of cocktails, chilled out and sat in the sun. It was good. And I'm quite proud of myself as well, lots of alcohol and no cigarettes, it was an achievement and a half. But both of mates disapproved of me smoking anyway-so yeah.
Anyway when I got back this evening I was sat in the garden when our neighbours next door came out. I had noticed yesterday that some cute guys were staying for the weekend. And it was them in the garden, they set up the bbq, and oh I loved the smell, cos they put wood on it to burn as well-WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!!
And then came the pot, I was just sat there thinking how much would I love to be next door smoking pot with them. But that wasn't gonna happen, so I decided to retreat inside and hide from the gorgeous smells coming from outside. Before the green eyed monster lured its ugly head.
But now sat in my room its all good, chilling with lots of candles and pine incense sticks-it smells like I have a wood fire in my room. Oh how I am loving it!
Oh god I have just realized, my sister and her hubby come back from Canada this week- grrrr!!!!!!!!!!! That means I'm gonna have to talk to them-bah! And even worse all they are gonna go on about it my niece and nephew, I do not need them rubbing salt into that huge gaping wound right now. Maybe I should just try avoiding them for as long as possible. It's not like they it will be a 2 way conversation. Avoidance is the way forward I think!

Stupid, stupid girl!!!

I am such a stupid idiot right now, and talking it through with my friend lastnight she completely agrees with me. Why do I fall, really, really badly for a guy when it's completely the wrong time?!! And I know it will never work out! I end up doing it every single bloody time. I know that even if he felt the same way about me it would never work right now. I am so too much totally messed up for any guy to be able to be with me. And I don't think I could cope with it anyway. There is also the fact that I'm moving in September and that wouldn't help any situation at all.
Why is it that when things were going ok I really wanted to be with a guy? Why would it of made it any better? I don't think it would make anything better right now either. I think I would just end up hurting him and most probably screwing him up in the process.
But I wish it would work out. I wish he knew how I felt. I wish he felt the same way. I wish I had stopped myself falling for him so badly.

Last year at college, faye asked me if I would be one the participants in her PhD study about young adults who self harm. Being the stupid person I am I agreed to do it and that was that. Until this September when she asked if I would do a case study of myself to add to it. So we sat down together and wrote it-bahhh that was a bad memory.
Well anyway a couple of months ago, faye then asked me again if she could interview me for an extra piece of research she was doing on her PhD about psychology students suffering from mental health disorders. Well stupidly again I agreed to do it, and it wasn't as painful as I thought it was going to be. So I stupidly thought it was all over until this morning when I received an email from her saying

"I was wondering if you could write a brief case study about yourself and how studying psychology has helped and hindered you -about 200 words. Because my lecturers want more information from the students I used."

So I have told her I will do it. I have no idea what to write and writing about myself is just scary. I know how hard it's going to be having to write about my past and present issues in more detail from what I have already said. I don't know if I have the strength or energy to do this right now. But I owe faye too much not to do it. I am giving myself until Tuesday to do it, so if there are any changes needed to be made I can do it by Friday.

JUST RAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

F**KING RAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As you can tell I am quite p*ssed off right now! I wish i could explain why but I'm not even gonna go there!
Let's just say the last ray of hope I had about something has just flown far, far away!

Well one exam down 5 still to go

Well somehow I did my exam, I got 3 hours sleep which I'm impressed by cos I really thought I wouldn't get any. I got rid of my caffeine shakes before the exam which was good. But I think it was the nicotine fix before the exam that made it ok.

The exam actually went well, well as well as they can. The paper was good, and faye had successfully predicted all the topics that would come up. That has to be a first I think! I feel a lot better about it than I did last time. I messed at least one of the questions up cos I named a study but wrote the findings of another one with it. But it was only 5 marks so hopefully it won't be that bad. I will just have to wait until August 17th to find out now.

It seemed so strange today I had to say goodbye's to peeps at college. I won't have anymore AS lessons, and my mates in that group finish their exams tomorrow. So I won't see them at college again. I may not be good friends with some of the people in my group but I am gonna miss them, they were a good laugh. Hopefully we can meet up after our exams results come out and go out for a drink, cos there will be a couple of us leaving.
I'm actually quite envious of them, cos the rest of them will all be together next year for A2, but I refuse to go back for a fourth year. But hopefully when I visit cheltenham I will be able to catch up with them all.

I found out today that they have decided to give us half term next week so I get the week off which is really good. Which gives me 22 days to learn the whole of this years A2 course. As I have to retake the clinical and criminal papers-hopefully I can actually pass them this time.

So 22 days to go and that will be the end of my college life.

Exams and life

Well in just over 13 hours my first final exam begins for college. If I don't get a decent mark on this exam after doing it for 3 years now I am stuffed for uni next year!
But it is so different at college this year than last year. Faye told me on monday she is getting married on 3rd July. So she is so relaxed about it all and hasn't been doing the scary thing in our lecturers. Which has actually helped I think. She has asked me to go to the wedding, she has also asked me to do a reading during the ceremony. It's all a bit scary especially as I'm her only student who has been invited..However the invite is for me and a guest. Well the person I wanted to ask and I know would actually really enjoy it- I couldn't ask him. I know he wouldn't be able to go so I have asked another friend instead. But I am now dreading going. I hate how I look right now, and the friend I am taking with me is like a size 8/10. Well I am not that size and I'm going to look like a huge whale in comparison, plus having to go up in front of everyone as well. It's just bad- but I promised faye I would do this for her so I have to face my demons and do it.
Maybe if I can do the reading successfully and get over my fears there, then I might be able to tell this guy exactly how I feel about him. And I won't just have to hide behind our friendship anymore.
Only time will tell.

More revision for me and maybe I might get some sleep before my exam tomorrow afternoon.

Well the truth has begun to come out. I found out last week that one of my friends knows me far too well. She figured out what was going on with me. And it actually feels better someone knowing.
It has all got beyond a joke now, I don't want to be going through this anymore. I wish it would all go away and I could feel normal for a while. Yet again the past is repeating itself and I have been pushing anyone close away from me. It's not that I like to do it, cos I don't. It just an automatic unconscious thing which stops me hurting everyone else around me. Plus they also have enough happening in their lives without me dumping my crap on them.
I just want to be floating near the top again, rather than sinking further and further down. I want a day when it isn't a struggle to get through it and to make sure I'm still here the next day. I want to be able to go to sleep each night not wanting to wake up the next morning. I want the tears to stop flowing. I just want the pain and loneliness to go. I want to see the sunshine again. I want to smile and it to genuine, rather than a mask to the world. I just want to be normal and happy...

Nature's reflection

The weather yesterday and today has been great. We have had torrential rain, with hail, continuous thunderstorms with occasional flashes of lightening. It has been great. It was just like mother earth was reflecting how I felt and my total mood.
Everyone else seemed to really unlike the weather, where as I think it has been beautiful. The rain just pouring and pouring, with mixtures of thunder joining it now and again. When the thunder came the rain got heavier. But the rain was continuous, some of it was really light right up to pure hail. I noticed though that people outside in this weather, start to speed their walking up when the rain got heavier. Where as I ended up doing the opposite, I just slowed down and wanted to be in for as long as possible.
It felt just like me. Mother earth knew how I felt and just had to make sure everyone knew as well. The continuous tears, all day - every day. But they get stronger with the anger and frustration. Then they just pour out and there is nothing I can do to stop them. Then I break and my anger comes out and everyone around hears it. But even when the anger fades away the tears are still there and still flow. When will the tears dry up? When will I start feeling the sunshine again?

There is something that I have wanted to blog about for a while that I have been thinking about a lot. But when it comes to it I can't. I know what to say and I know how to write it, I'm just too scared to put it on here.
If anyone read it who knew me they would know what is really going on in my scrwed up head and I don't want that to happen.
Maybe one day i will just be brave and not care about the consequences.

People who think they know you so well

I had to go to dinner lastnight with someone who used to be a very important person in my life. However the problem is she still thinks she is, but in actual fact she hasn't got a clue who I am or what I need anymore. But she still thinks she knows me inside out and a couple of glasses of wine will make me tell her everything that is happening in my life and all my inner thoughts and feelings.
Well big surprise I don't work like that. So then she goes on to tell me that I am on my self destructive path again, I am hurting myself and everyone around me all over again. Oh and I'm the one who is studying psychology and should be able to figure all this out. Yeah I am the one who is studying psychology and you never have-so quit lecturing me!
I know exactly what is happening with me, without someone who knows only part of what is going on and thinks she knows the rest, telling me what I am thinking & feeling and how I am living my life.

I just want my little cave and I need it NOW!

It has finally begun

Well the beginning of the end in cheltenham finally began today with the first set of goodbye's. Our neighbor's who have been family friends for 30 years or more are leaving in the wee hours to go to France for 6 months. So by the time they come back we will all be gone.
When we left we were all crying. Even people who aren't that major in my life make this all so hard!
So my blackmailing point to my parents may have some significance as of this afternoon.
Me being the selfish daughter I am have said to them that if it's this hard to say goodbye to them, how hard will it be to say goodbye to really close family friends, people who are like my parents "best friends".And if they think that is hard then they have to think of them plus my sister& her husband at the airport, having to say their goodbye's to me before going through security, to leave on a plane for me not to see them for however long.

I didn't think today would effect me so much but seeing how it has. I really doubt now whether I am strong enough to get through all of this...

I want to find a cave which I can move into. I can just put a stone across the entrance and no one will ever know I am there. No one would be able to find me again.
I wouldn't be able to hurt anyone anymore especially the people who mean so much to me. It also means no one could hurt me again either.
I could just hide away from the world and no one would ever have to see me again. I would never have to be a burden again.

I want my cave....

when history starts repeating itself

There are parts of my life that i thought I had dealt with and were securley in my past. But how wrong was I! I thought I had dealt with it all, sorted it, basically been there,done that, got the t-shirt. Well looks like the t-shirt is coming back again.
I never wanted it to get like this again, I thought that I was strong enough to deal with it all.
Looks like I'm still not strong enough, with the salt backs in the wounds again.

Why am I surrounded by people but still feel like I am alone?

A new life

As of 4.30pm Alberta time yesterday a very new important person came into this world. My new baby nephew was born, Sean Russell. He sounds like an absolute cutie and I wish I could be there to see him but having photos sent is going to be good enough for the moment. My brother seems to be over the moon, apparently he couldn't keep his hands off him and was just walking through the ward with him in his arms. Yet again my brother who is meant to be all tough, cowboy type has turned all mushy on us.
But the birth of my new baby nephew has made me do more thinking - yeah I know its dangerous. My sister is leaving for 2 weeks in Canada on sunday and will be going to see my brother and his family. And I'm turning into a green monster about it. She has seen my niece more than I have and now she is seeing my nephew when he will be less than 3 weeks old. And guess what I am going to be lucky if I see him at Christmas at what he will be 7 months old. My niece will be 3 years old tomorrow and guess what I have spent time with her for a whole 10 days of her life.
Is staying here the best thing I can do? Do I really want to miss out on seeing my niece and nephew grow up? Am I going to end up having the relationship with them like I have had with my aunts and uncles in I stay here? Never seeing them and never seeing the important things that happen to them.
Can I really give all these things up and stay here? Or do I just give up what I want and go be with my family?
All I know is that being here right now sucks and if I could be in Canada I would do it in a second.

The people of our past

Today is the 60th anniversary of VE Day. For so many years I didn't pay any attention to this day or not even know what it meant. And apparently even now there are more people like how I used to be. There was a questionnaire on teenagers in school, 70% of them didn't know VE day was, many thought it was actually a day for a STD. What shocked me the most was that 15% of the people asked thought that Adolf Hitler was made up, and didn't actually exist. Is this the generation we are living in now? They do not understand their past or history and all the people who fought for the freedom we have today.
My Granddad was one of those men. He was part of a special regiment who actually fought in Iceland, then went on to fight in North Africa and Italy. To his dying day he never spoke much about what he did and you could see the scars that had buried themselves into his heart. Too deep for anyone to reach and never be able to heal.
He was the final man in the regiment who was still alive and could speak of it until he had the stroke. Then it all dawned upon me, why hadn't I asked him those question? Why hadn't I found out what he did for this country? Why didn't I ask him about the friends he made? But like a normal person we put things off, and then it was too late to ever find out.
I just hope that the other men in his regiment told their families about it, so people will still be able to remember the unique work that they did. And so they will not be forgotten.
I think my granddad just thought he was doing his bit. He earned so many medals through the fighting he did in the war but he never got them. He never wanted to receive them, maybe it was too painful, maybe he just thought he was doing his bit, maybe he thought he was just an ordinary guy and didn't need them. I do not know what he thought. But I have found out that my dad can actually still send off to receive them, and I really want this to happen. I may not have the stories to tell my children, or my grandchildren of how my granddad fought in the war but if I had the medals to show them then they can be as proud of him as I am. And be truly thankful for the work that he did and the freedom he helped give us.
So to all the men and women who fought in the war, thankyou and you truly will never be forgotten.

general election

Well as everyone knows we had our general election yesterday and guess what tony bliar got back in-big suprise!! But before this election I have never really been interested in politics and I'm still not to a certain extent. But trying to make a judged decision who to vote for was hard, it wasn't until i put the cross in the box that i had decided who to vote for. But how much deception was going on was just scary. Parties not telling you exactly what they were going to do,the oure deception. Can any of them ever be trusted to run the country? I don't think so. I just hope that one of my old school friends who wanted to get into politics does it and gets there and actually makes some sense in society.
Well looks like as soon as I get my BSc I am leaving this country, where to I dont know but staying with labour running the country isn't good. So even if I wanted to stay to do my MSc there is no way I would even be able to afford it. So the point is where do I go......

Why is it that I am always the friend?

When it comes to guys I really like,why am I always the friend?

Why can't any of them ever see past the friendship?

I am always the person they come to for advice about a girl or if they have a problem with their relationships.

I think I am just invisible.

I just want him to open his eyes and see me there, is it too much to ask?

22 days to go

Well as the title of this post should tell you it's 22 days until my final exams. I am slowly going very insane. As people are getting more aware of by head had just ended up going mushy. I can't spell, type or even speak properly right now.
My college is being a pain in the ass, they have decided yet again that they aren't going to give us study leave- grrrr!!!! Plus we are meant to have a week off in may but the sixth from centre within the college does not get that week off! And the worst bit which makes us even more bitter is that they owe us a week holiday from january where they dragged our butts in a week earlier cos of our exams then as well.
I am so behind my revision its not even funny right now. My family dont understand what i am worrying about, but I kinda was stupid in march when the results came out. I am actually having to retake 2 exams they don't know about cos I failed them in januray but they think I got c's in them - whoopsie! Well at the time it seemed a good plan, it was easier to lie to them rather than see the disappointment in their faces.
So too much work, not enough time and I'm bloody annoyed about it all right now!!!

Trying to find answers

I read a friends blog today and it was all about religion. It seemed right to be reading it with me question everything right now and trying to find answers. A lot of things happened whilst I was in Sweden which has made me question everything I believe in. I don't think I could even be pigeon holed anymore even if anyone tried.
I used to be the biggest skeptic and so narrow minded with Christianity being the only answers I could see. But that has all changed. I know that things will get sorted and I will find answers to what happened while I was in Sweden when I figure out what I believe.
So I am now reading everything I possibly can, to try and figure out what it is I do believe in and if it makes sense with anything else. My mother walked in on me lastnight looking at a website about paganism, wicca and Celtic beliefs. The look on her face was a picture, she looked like she had seen me looking at porn. Why are people so narrow minded about these things?

My friend in Sweden who is actually wiccan asked me what I actually believe in.
So what do I believe in?
- I think there is a higher being, whether that is a god, or goddess or a mutual god and goddess together I do not know.
- I believe in Karma and I think that what people give out they will get back, positive or negative.
- I believe in spirits, not ghosts but spirits. And I also know there are nice ones and ones that will harm you.
- I believe in energy and chakras.
- I believe certain stones and crystals hold certain energies, but whether that is actually crystal healing,who knows?!!
- I think that we all go somewhere after we finish this life but I don't know what it is or where it is.
- I believe in Faeries.
- I also believe in the totem system of a person having an animal totem.
- I do believe that Jesus did exist but what the bible says he did, I do question a lot.
- I believe meditation gives answers.
- I believe there is someone who is always watching over us like a guardian.

People may think I am crazy for what I believe in which is why I do not tell people normally. I used to be narrow minded so I can understand where they are coming from. But does it really make me crazy? I know many people who are science based think I am off my rocker. But to them I ask to open their mind just to respect what someone else believes.

Can I be pigeon holed?! Send your answers on the back of a postcard.

song from the radio

This sing just came on the radio and it pretty much says everything I need to say right now...

I will remember you -Sarah McClaughlan
I will remember you
Will you remember me
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

Remember the good times that we had
I let them slip away when things got bad
Clearly I first saw you smiling in the sun
Wanna feel your warmth upon me
I wanna be the one

I will remember you
Will you remember me
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

I'm so tired but I can't sleep
Standing on the edge of something much too deep
Funny how we feel so much but cannot say a word
We are screaming inside we can't be heard

I will remember you
Will you remember me
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

So afraid to love you but more afraid to lose
Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose
Once there was a darkness deep and endless night
You gave me everything it had, oh you gave me light

I will remember you
Will you remember me
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

Sorting stuff

I have been down sizing this weekend in my room, going through all my work, music, jewelry, letters and trying to be a bit ruthless getting rid of things. I took some pictures and stuff down from my walls and my room now just looks strange without them. I'm trying to get used to it without stuff up there. Because after my room is repainted in the next few weeks I can't put anything back up on the walls.
I knew it was going to happen, but it has now started really kicking in. I'm leaving cheltenham and my family. I know that possessions are not important but I don't want to loose this house. The walls hold too many memories, and I'm scared if I leave then I will be leaving the memories as well. And I wont be able to get them back.
I know I shouldn't let this get to me. I just have to bloody well grow up, act like an adult and move on with my life. Everyone else is, so I should be to. I have made my decisions so I should be grown up enough to deal with them.

Clearing the air

This morning when I was trying to get to sleep a huge thunder storm started up and it was amazing. I was sat there at 2am watching out my bedroom window seeing the lightning crashing down, with the wind blowing so hard and the thunder being so heavy and near, my house was vibrating. It felt fantastic and looked stunning, it was the end to the day I needed.

It got me thinking about when I was a kid and was scared of thunder storms.My parents always told me that it was just the clouds having an arguement with each other and it would be over soon. I really do wish this was the case, and it could work with people as well. The clouds have an arguement it then clears the air and you can move on. Where as if you have an arguement with a human the negative points of it and the emotions still linger in the air and they never quite disappear. Why can't we all be like clouds? Why can't we just move on? Why does every arguement seem to embed itself into the relationship? Why do arguements never quite disappear and always rear their heads again in the next arguement?

I think I just want to be a cloud...