Well the truth has begun to come out. I found out last week that one of my friends knows me far too well. She figured out what was going on with me. And it actually feels better someone knowing.
It has all got beyond a joke now, I don't want to be going through this anymore. I wish it would all go away and I could feel normal for a while. Yet again the past is repeating itself and I have been pushing anyone close away from me. It's not that I like to do it, cos I don't. It just an automatic unconscious thing which stops me hurting everyone else around me. Plus they also have enough happening in their lives without me dumping my crap on them.
I just want to be floating near the top again, rather than sinking further and further down. I want a day when it isn't a struggle to get through it and to make sure I'm still here the next day. I want to be able to go to sleep each night not wanting to wake up the next morning. I want the tears to stop flowing. I just want the pain and loneliness to go. I want to see the sunshine again. I want to smile and it to genuine, rather than a mask to the world. I just want to be normal and happy...