The things that lurk beneath the bed

Since I started sorting and packing my room up, I have been avoiding going under my bed and clearing out. Most peeps would find random crap like old plates, cups etc. Well I know I didn't have anything like that under my bed. But I did have the scary boxes full of music and work from my old school that I have been avoiding touching for a long time. Well the avoidance couldn't hold out any longer.

I didn't realize how many music books I had and how much cello music I had either. 8 years of cello music does build up as I have found out. The thing is looking through them the painful memories kept coming through of all the cello lessons where my last teacher kept putting me down and the feeling of resentment just came flooding over me. But then the happy times came through afterwards, with all the orchestra music I found and remembering all the friends I made through that and our conductor who was my previous cello teacher.

But then I found a bunch of stuff I had completely forgotten about and couldn't remember existed. At the bottom of the final box were 2 plastic folders. One had a bunch of certificates for my Cello grade exams and my theory grade exams in it. But then I opened the other plastic folder and inside were a couple of certificates I had completely forgotten about, it had my Deans and Bishops Award certificates & medals in there for the Royal School of Church Music, plus the other 3 medals I got previously to them.

But underneath them was a bunch of papers that scared me even more. I found all the service sheets and music from the Youth Services in my old church 3 years ago. It's something I had blocked from my mind a long time ago as there were too many bad feelings attached to it. For 18 months I had helped run a youth/worship service once a month in my church. Basically it was me, one of the clergy and Linda ( member of the congregation) who set the whole thing up, organized every month etc. It was a lot of hard work but I eventually got enough people involved I could just do the background work. But there was always something I could never get out of and that was leading the worship band. Every month I had to be at the front singing my heart out and I'm not denying I didn't enjoy it because I did. It was also the reason I became a singer of a band.

I'm sorry if I sounded like I was boasting about my achievements because it isn't meant in that way at all. I personally don't think I deserve half of the things I was given and should never of done half the things I did. That is why they were all at the bottom of a box so I could ignore it all.

Finding all this stuff has made me question my judgments so much of why I gave it all up. What was I thinking at the time?! In my warped thinking I kinda have proof now that someone out there must of thought I wasn't that bad at singing cos I got awards for it and if I was that bad the church would of stopped me from leading the worship band and my friends would of told me to stop being in their band. Instead it was me who chose to leave all these things. For 2 years during my GCSE's in every single lesson every week, the new head of music told me I was crap, belittled me and told me I should never of been music because I had no talent and shouldn't of even be bothering. I can remember having arguements with our other music teacher because she was trying to convince me to carry on being in the choir, do something in the concerts etc but I wouldn't. But I could never explain to her why I couldn't do it and even in my year book the last thing she wrote was keep up the wonderful singing. But I ignored what she wrote and everything else everyone told me. He had won and I gave it all up, and I gave it all up because of him.

Music for so long brought me such happiness and such a release. I could just go into my own world, write about how I was feeling, release the anger and pain in a way which couldn't hurt anyone especially myself. Even my doctor over the last 3 years has told me to go back and write music and sing again as it made me feel better. Even when I was at the wedding last weekend Adam was trying to persuade me to join a band again. But how can I do that?! I don't think I have enough talent anymore and I'm definitely not good enough. I have no confidence about it anymore and I'm scared if I did sing again someone will start telling me what he told me all over again. The last time I ever sang in front of anyone purposely was at my granddad's funeral where my parents persuaded me to sing and I couldn't say no to them. But I miss it so much and I regret every day giving it all up. I wish I had my own cello but I am in no position to buy one even a second hand one. I want to find a way back into it I just don't know how to do that. I even asked my mum earlier why they let me give it all up and I understand why they couldn't stop me. I am my biggest critic and until I think I am any good again whatever anyone else says I won't believe them.