36 Hours to go

There has been so much I have wanted to write on here for the last week but for certain reasons I can't explain I haven't been able to. Mainly because I don't feel comfortable writing as openly I used to. And I'm not comfortable having to watch what I write. But right now I don't care what people read.

In 36 hours time I will be picking up my exam results and finding out what life has in store for me. And it is scaring me to the utter core. I have been trying to avoid all the decisions and thoughts for so long but now it's got to the point I can't think about pretty much anything else. Everyone is telling me to relax and it will all be fine, but I can't relax. And how do they know it will all be fine, can they predict the future?! My parents seem to keep telling everyone that they are coming out and the list of people I have to call or text is getting longer and longer. I'm just dreading if it is bad news then having to tell all those people how much I messed up. I don't think I will be able to do that. But I guess on the upside things will finally be decided and all the uncertainty may disappear. Well at least Jon and I will know if we can seriously make a go of it or if we will be breaking up. But the thing I'm dreading the most if I don't get the marks seeing the look of disappointment on my parents and faye's face. Fine I can disappoint myself but I can't deal with letting other people down and disappointing them.

Anyway this is a song I wrote yesterday, it's not very good but there we go. It just kind of expresses how I'm feeling.

If I was a bird
Then I could fly away
Find somewhere to hide
And go whichever way

Find a new place
Where everything starts again
Take all of the fears
And fly until they disappear

I want to fly,
Fly away from here
Find the person that I am
Have no pain and fear

I want to fly
Try to start a new
Take all chances that I can
See my dreams come true

Then life would be simple
And life would be fine
Life then would not be upside down

So let me fly
Fly away from here
Find the person that I am
Have no pain and fear

Let me fly
Try to start a new
Take all the chances that I can
To make my dreams come true

I need to fly
Fly to disappear