I let you in and you let me down

At the age of 11 I asked Heather to be my godmother and for whatever reasons of hers she agreed to do it. At the time I thought she was best person to take this role which in my eyes was going to be quite significant. However now I do not know my reasons of asking her back then and why I thought she was the right person. I wish I could remember back then, maybe it might help me realise something about her that I have forgotten or maybe it might make me realise how idealistic I was at the age of 11. I don't know but it would give me some answers right now.

When I was up at my sisters a couple of weeks ago we were having a deep and meaningful about everything that had been happening and it led on to what happened with Heather. My sister said to me that your relationship with Heather hasn't been good for years and I don't understand why you ever asked her. And I told her I don't know why I did at all.

My relationship with Heather has been difficult for many years and I can't even remember a time anymore when it was actually good. I can remember us doing things which were good but then something came along and hindered it all. We have always had a weird relationship as she was my guide leader and then became my ranger leader, and even now we are joint ranger leaders in our unit. Not that long ago she even told me herself that she doesn't know how I have survived through it all as she was always harder on me than anyone else. And don't I know it! Yeah I understood that she didn't want to be seen by anyone to be giving me special treatment and I never wanted it either. But when she treats me so much harsher than anyone else that the other girls are picking up on it and asking me what is going on between us- it causes a slight problem. We kept it from everyone for as many years as possible and then at rangers it all ended up in the open and it was easier when it was because people just accepted it and moved on. I always believed that she didn't know she was being so hard on me but her confessing it to me has made me think even more about it. Maybe she wanted to be hard on me so I would leave and she wouldn't have to see me in that capacity or maybe she just did it to make me stronger as a person. I don't know her reasoning but I'm scared if I find out it will just make things even worse between us.

When my Dad got meningitis and was rushed to hospital I was left with my Granddad by myself and I was a complete mess. My mum had given me a list of people to ring like my sister, brother and my mum's best friend. But no the first person I rang was Heather she didn't really speak to me and she was no help. I also rang my friends back who were at a party at the other side of town. An hour later I had a group of 6 of them on my doorstep trying to look after me. What did I get from her one phonecall 3 days later cos she wanted to know if my sister's wedding was still going to go ahead. I was only 15 and I had overheard something someone had said at the house and I knew he was in a critical state and it was touch and go for the first 48 hours. My mum was with my dad and I had to be at home with my granddad to let people know what was happening. I rang her because I needed her and she wasn't there. The same thing happened when my granddad died I rang her because I needed her and she was no where to be seen. My parents got a card from her later that week sending her sympathies and apologising she wouldn't be at the funeral as she was going away.

The morning of the overdose she was the person I rang cos I needed help and didn't know where to go and as she is a nurse I thought she would know. You would think when a 16 year old asks you where do you go if someone has taken an overdose, that an alarm would be going off or something to figure out if it was one of my friends or if it was me. When I was at the hospital she was the person I asked them to phone cos I thought she would be there and help me tell my parents what had happened. Well she came to the hospital and basically had a huge go at me which was understandable but that was it. And I can understand her not wanting to be there as I had fucked up and hurt so many people with what I had done. She told me that I had hurt so many people and that if I ever start to feel that bad to tell someone and that she would always be there. Well I asked for her help 3 weeks ago and we all know the ending of that.

For so many years it has always been the same when she wants to see me I have to be there but when I need her or need to see her she never has the time. I told her once how I felt and then we just got into a huge fight with me being the bad person at the end of it. After that I have never wanted to tell her how I felt about our relationship since. From about the age of 16 she has always told me that there is a room for me at her house. When everything came out about my parents leaving she told me I could move in with her and stay with them for Christmas and holidays etc. But about 6 weeks ago I got the truth she told me I can help you with all the practical things like driving you to university and storing your extra stuff. I can also come up and see you and take you out for meals and stuff. She has also decided to give me a laptop. All things I don't want or need, I need people who are going to be like my family to me and if there is a problem I can phone them and they would be there-which I have found out she won't be. She always seems to shower me with presents and take me out for meals and drinks etc. But she doesn't get it I don't want her money. She asked me this year what I wanted for my birthday and I told her I just want to be able to spend some time with you by ourselves doing whatever even if it just means sitting down and having a chat that would of been good enough for me. Instead she decides she has to take me out to an expensive restaurant and go out for drinks, even though I couldn't even drink.

She seems to think that she knows me so well when she hasn't got a damn clue. She thinks she knows how I feel about going uni and my parents leaving-she hasn't got a clue. She doesn't know what I need anymore and I wish I had never asked her to be my godmother. I'm meant to be going to her place next Friday to cook a meal for her and her husband but I don't even want to go anymore. She is making me avoid going to rangers because I can't deal with seeing her the whole time.

I wish I could break the tie between us because at the moment it just seems to be an entirely hurtful and negative relationship. I know the whole thing isn't all her fault and it has a hell of a lot to do with me as well. But I think the blame of this whole thing does lie with me the day I asked her to be my godmother 8 years ago. If I could go back and change it I would but that's the joy of hind sight.