Yet another shitty night behind me. Yet another night full of being awake. Another morning feeling like I have a hangover without even drinking an alcohol. Trying to hide all of this from my parents is getting harder. My mother decided to inform me lastnight that the black circles under my eyes were getting worse every day. She then decided to come into my room at 3 am and say to me, your still awake?! I think she finally understands now when I say it is normal now for me not to sleep. My dad came down stairs this morning and was like-what are you doing up? You should be asleep, then my parents decided to talk between themselves and figure out I'm not sleeping. So I am waiting for the lecturers to begin, they decided lastnight becuase I wasn't eating something has to be wrong, on top of not sleeping as well. My patience levels are running lower every day and if they start the lecturing and questioning I don't know how long I am going to be before I snap. But I can't snap! They can't know what is going on but it's harder to hide this every day.
It was so good this morning my head hurt so much that my brain just seemed to shut down for an hour. Which was so good. But then wham when the pain was fading and my head went back into over drive again.
I have been trying to figure out what is different about this time to last time cos at least time I was coping in some sort of way. Now I just seem to be crumbling, quicker and quicker. Last time I still had some sort of faith/belief to hang on to. That isn't there anymore. I don't know but I wish I did.
I'm hoping after rangers tonight I should actually be able to get some sleep. Because I can't keep fighting with myself to get through to the morning. I don't want to feel completely and utterly alone. That no one understands me. I don't want to keep feeling like a burden on everyone. I want the pain which is aching inside me to stop. I want the crying to stop, I want the mental torture which goes on in my head to go. I just want to be normal for one night and get some sleep and not want to end it all.
If anyone is reading this and it makes any sort of sense to them they are doing better than me. I'm even finding hard to write and form proper sentences now. So much for my successful revision this week.