life

For a couple of days now I have been so happy and I honestly and truly wanted it to last. I wanted it to mean that I was beginning to reach the surface again but how wrong was I. I'm so sick of feeling like this I just want to be feel normal and happy and be going on a steady playing field. Rather than a roller coaster as it is right now, huge highs followed by serious lows. I want to be able to trust my own judgments again and be reliant on myself like I used to be. I want a way out of this crappy nightmare and back in to the real world. Where I actually sleep, have the motivation to get a job, where I don't mess everything up which I go near, where it isn't a fight to get out of bed every morning, to not push everyone away from me, to feel like I can stand on my own 2 feet again rather than be too reliant on others and not think it's a great achievement to get through each day in one piece.

More and more lately I have been rethinking my decision about staying here in September, everyone thinks I'm so certain about staying here but what they don't know is that in my mind I am questioning my decision every 5 minutes. It doesn't help that I have to actually wait until the 18th of August to find my exams results out which will decide if I can actually go to Uni here. I have been avoiding have to think about all of this for far too long but the point is I can't actually avoid it anymore.

I found a pros and cons list that I wrote last April about my decision and it has scared me how much has changed since then. This year has proven how many of my friends from college I have lost touch with. Then there are people from rangers, other good friends, family I have over here that I have been loosing touch with since then. Then there is the fact that I can't rely on anything Heather said she would do in the past.

So I decided to write a new list and the results have kinda scared me.

Staying in England
Pros
- Can do a degree purely in Psychology and Counselling.
- I can gain independence
- Nearer to being able to see my adopted family in Sweden.
- Can still see Heidi, Vix, Sarah and Faye.
- Can visit my rangers
- Can still see Emma, Rich and Becks
- Can still go to Woodlarks
- Can keep part of my safety network.
- Can prove a point to everyone including me that I can cope by myself.


Moving to Canada
Pros
- Can see my mum and dad regularly.
- Can see Treena & Jeff and Brian & Charly
- Can see Nat and Sean grow up and actually be a proper part of their lives.
- I won't have a permanent place to stay through the holidays in Salford
- Have nowhere to store my stuff while at Salford
- Have no family in England who I know will defiantly be there to fall back on if it all goes wrong at Salford.
- I dont have to give up Akha
- I wont have to afford to regularly fly over to Canada.
- I wont have to worry about the cost of calls to talk to my family.
- I will have my family around to celebrate birthdays, Christmas, thanksgiving etc.
- I can go to uni in Canada.
- Im going to be a minimum of 4 hours away from anyone in Salford.
- I can take up Guiding in Canada and be a Ranger Leader again.
- I can make a new start for myself without all the past baggage.
- I can try and repair the bridges that I burnt while I was there last time.
- I can actually get to know and meet more of my family.
- Can live far enough away from my parents and siblings to have independence but still have them in the same country.
- I can explore the country I fell in love with 2 years ago.

Realistically If I stay here the probability is very high that I wont be able to afford to go to Canada for Christmas. That means I wont be able to go over until Easter or summer next year. Which means by then it will be a minimum of 6 months not seeing my parents and Treena & Jeff. And I wont see Sean until he is a year old, and the scary bit would be it would be nearly 3 years since seeing Bri, Charly and Nat. I dont want that! I want to be able to celebrate my niece and nephews birthdays. I want to spend Christmas with all my family. I cant even remember the last time Bri and me actually celebrated a birthday together it was that many years ago. I want to be able to just sit down and have a beer with him and talk about crap.

Why have I put such a negative on going to Canada? 2 years ago I fell in love with the place and didnt want to come home. Even when I did come back I was trying to figure out any which way possible to get back there. Looking at university courses, looking for jobs, places to rent, how to move my stuff out there. And then it all stopped. Why did it stop?

I dont even know if I want to be a counsellor anymore or even if I would be any good at it. Is it what i want to do with my life? Do I need to be sorting my head and my options out before I make a decision about my career? I could take a year out, get some money, bum around Canada, find out who I am. I don't know!!!

This decision is too hard!
I dont want to make it!
Can someone please choose for me....