Ok- Huge getting out of system session so be warned!

There is a bunch of stuff that I thought I had sorted out, how I had felt about it etc and thought that I had got to the other end. Well I have realized that I am not at the other end and have just gone backwards. The thing is I'm really frustrated that I feel this way. I feel that lately I thought I was taking steps forward but in actual fact I have been taking multiple steps back. And I know what is back there and I don't want to go back there again. It's like being attached to a piece of elastic and I some how stretched it too far so now it's snapped backwards.

Everyone seems to think at the moment that I should be 100% happy because I'm moving to start a new life in Canada. I wish it was that easy. I don't regret the decision I have made but now im having to get used to living with that decision and it's harder than I thought. I really did think that after making the decision things would get easier but it hasn' quite happened like that..

I'm still avoiding telling people about leaving, literally until I told the rangers last night only 7 other people over here knew about it. None of my friends from college know, nor faye, peeps from woodlarks, my family over here, my friends from school, Guiding peeps and a bunch of other friends. Before lastnight I thought it was difficult telling people and seeing their faces etc. But last night at rangers I realized exactly what I am giving up and the hurt went that bit deeper. This new unit has been my baby since helping to set it up last year and I had been attached to the old unit for too many years before that. And it didn't hit me until lastnight, when we were all sat there planning the programme and then someone asked if I could so something and it hit me I wouldn't be there anymore. I am giving up my unit and leaving my friends some of the people who know me better than I do at times. I'm leaving the place I call home.

We had 2 lots of people come to view the house today and from the reaction I have heard I think both of them were unsuccessful. Plus another 2 lots of people who were interested before hand have dropped out as well because of change of plans. So we have another 2 sets of people to chase up and then it may mean going through an estate agents which isn't what we want or need. Which in turn may mean we won't be out to Canada until possibly after Christmas. And if that happens I will end up going bloody mental, but we will have to see. But I have realized that I have got over my issue with leaving this house but I'm not quite over having strangers walking through our house and especially my room. To me it's my personal space and today it felt like a complete invasion of it. I did not like it one little bit so I hid in the garden with akha (my cat) and we were both pissed off together.

I'm still having allergic reactions to pretty much everything I eat and drink and now even with coffee! IT'S NOT FAIR!!!! I'm now on even more meds which are seriously not helping me and sending me to ga ga land. And officially MY DOCTOR IS A COMPLETE AND UTTER TWAT!!!! And I swear he got his education from twatville university. I so wanted to punch his lights out yesterday and I still want to now!

I hate the way I am right now. It is starting to effect everything yet again how I feel about people, how I think, the way I interact with people, just generally who I am. It's like the way thing are with one of my friends at the moment I will call them X. Everytime I talk to X I seem to be moaning, ranting or on such a huge downer it's madness. I end up telling X all this stuff and passing all my shit on to them. X says it's fine that I confide in them but I know I shouldn't do it as they really don't deserve it! They deserve a much better friend than what I am and what I have been. And it's really not fair on them me just being a total and utter fucking twat! X is always so nice to me and always seems to be there and I don't deserve it. And I repay the friendship by being an emotional idiot not a particularly balanced friendship at all. I need to change and I need to change damn quick. I need to quit confiding in people and start keeping my own shit to myself. And become a better friend to X and try to make it up to them in whatever way I can.

Right now finding a cave or someplace where I could lock myself away from the world seems like a very good plan. Then the world doesn't have to suffer with the total wreck that I have become. As people don't deserve having shit like me in their lives as you all deserve a hell of a lot better.