Tiny Threads

Everything is now becoming far too real for my liking. And I don't know if I am strong enough to cope with all of it anymore. Everything was all going to well and now it's all just crumbling away in my hands. I can't even trust my own judgment anymore and I think I may have been making the wrong decisions about a lot of stuff lately. I know I have made so many mistakes on my judgment before how can I trust it now.
My student loan still hasn't been sorted 2 months after I put my form in and I don't know if I will get it in time now for when I have to leave for Uni. My room at the university fell through over the weekend because it was a bank holiday weekend so I had to make a new application yesterday and they all have to be sorted by tomorrow. My bank has decided they have to open a new account for me, which means I then have to change my details with everything else when my new account is set up. It's all just falling apart at the seams.
We had a final evaluation done on the house yesterday and apparently we have got people coming to see the house later this week or at the beginning of next week. I'm still packing boxes, filling holes in the walls and then have to paint it all. The way things are going they really could be gone by the end of October and that scares the hell out of me right now.
We have also been trying to look into flights and stuff for me to go over and see them at Christmas but as it is already the flights are basically non - existent for the time I need because it's over the holiday period. So I may not be seeing them at Christmas and I don't know if I can cope having to wait over 7 months without seeing any of them. Knowing that they are all spending Christmas together and seeing each other regularly.
I honestly don't see me being strong enough to cope with it all. Over the summer even more people have seemed to disappear from my life and I know the number of people I have got over here is growing smaller and smaller all the time. Maybe this just shows truly what kind of person I am. If I cant keep my friends I have had here for so long what chance have I got of making friends at uni.
Everything just seems to be hanging on tiny threads at the moment and one by one they are all breaking around me. I just don’t know how much longer the thread is going to last before it all breaks for the last time.

Well the results are out!

This morning was judgement time and time seriously dragged out. But I finally got the little envelope which I needed. Well I needed a D overall to get my place at Salford Uni. Well the results are - in AS psych I got B's in all 3 papers and in my A2 papers I got a C, D and U (but I knew about that one already!). So overall I got a C, meaning Salford Uni here I come!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so over the moon about it people don't quite get it. Faye was with me when I opened the envelope and she was so happy for me even though she already knew my result. But as I said to her without her support fot the last 3 years I would never of been able to achieve it.
I then rang my parents and they were really happy for me. Then I rang Jon and he was so happy for me he was nearly in tears. Not only did I get better results than I thought I would and got into uni, Jon and I can really make a go of things. I then spoke to Lotta and told her and she was in tears cos she was so happy for me.
I think the best bit was when I got home and had the letter from UCAS waiting for me for me to accept my place at Salford Uni- it was then certain and I was over the moon. Well I still am!
So tonight I am going out and celebrating and hopefully getting trashed out of my head. Oh and hopefully getting hold of my brother to let him know the news.
But today I have realised I may be really happy about it and my friends are happy about it, but my family seem to be doing this we are happy for you but not being overly happy becuase they were hoping I would go with them. But there we go time for them to finally realise it's not going to happen!

36 Hours to go

There has been so much I have wanted to write on here for the last week but for certain reasons I can't explain I haven't been able to. Mainly because I don't feel comfortable writing as openly I used to. And I'm not comfortable having to watch what I write. But right now I don't care what people read.

In 36 hours time I will be picking up my exam results and finding out what life has in store for me. And it is scaring me to the utter core. I have been trying to avoid all the decisions and thoughts for so long but now it's got to the point I can't think about pretty much anything else. Everyone is telling me to relax and it will all be fine, but I can't relax. And how do they know it will all be fine, can they predict the future?! My parents seem to keep telling everyone that they are coming out and the list of people I have to call or text is getting longer and longer. I'm just dreading if it is bad news then having to tell all those people how much I messed up. I don't think I will be able to do that. But I guess on the upside things will finally be decided and all the uncertainty may disappear. Well at least Jon and I will know if we can seriously make a go of it or if we will be breaking up. But the thing I'm dreading the most if I don't get the marks seeing the look of disappointment on my parents and faye's face. Fine I can disappoint myself but I can't deal with letting other people down and disappointing them.

Anyway this is a song I wrote yesterday, it's not very good but there we go. It just kind of expresses how I'm feeling.

If I was a bird
Then I could fly away
Find somewhere to hide
And go whichever way

Find a new place
Where everything starts again
Take all of the fears
And fly until they disappear

I want to fly,
Fly away from here
Find the person that I am
Have no pain and fear

I want to fly
Try to start a new
Take all chances that I can
See my dreams come true

Then life would be simple
And life would be fine
Life then would not be upside down

So let me fly
Fly away from here
Find the person that I am
Have no pain and fear

Let me fly
Try to start a new
Take all the chances that I can
To make my dreams come true

I need to fly
Fly to disappear

Catch up

Well this is explanation time; I finally got home last night. So much for the plan of me going away for a long weekend! 10 days later I come home, I wish I wasn’t here though. Basically we got together during last week and I didn’t want to come home and leave him. Sarah gave him my number and we had been talking for a few weeks and then met up and decided to make a go of it. We have both decided that life is too short; if I do have to move to Canada we will deal with that if it comes. I know its hard him not being close as I am feeling it really badly today. But as I see it the time we do get to share together will just be more special and we will value it more. They do say that absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Things with Jon are so good and I can’t quite believe it is real. He has treated me like a complete princess and made me feel the happiest I have felt in such a long time. I feel like such a spoilt brat right now as he spent far too much money on me. He keeps doing these surprises, which is so utterly cute. The first was telling me to go upstairs and get changed cos he was taking me out for dinner, he took me to a posh Chinese restaurant and it was so special because it was the first proper date I had ever been taken on. The next day he took me bowling and I wooped his butt at it- he he he! Don’t think he was too impressed with that but there we go. He also got me a beautiful bunch of flowers; they were dark velvet looking red roses with pink carnations and baby’s breath. They were so lovely I have a pic of them now on my mobile wallpaper cos I couldn’t bring them back with me.

But nothing could quite top the surprise he had for me on Saturday. He wouldn’t tell me where we going eventually we got to London Charring Cross and me being the dosey person I am couldn’t figure out what it was famous for. So he got me in a black cab and said to the driver can we go to the Aldwych, and the driver said what is on there. So he told him it was Fame. So at that point I’m in total shock and start hyperventilating, I couldn’t believe he was taking me to my ultimate dream. Seeing Fame at the West End has been one of my dreams for so many years. Anyway it got so much better we ended up getting seats 6 rows from the front right in the middle. It was absolutely amazing and I loved every single minute of it and Jon taking me to see it made it 1000 times better than it could ever be. Anyway he bought me a mug so every morning I can have my coffee in and think of fame and him. (Plus he also gave me his cd of the soundtrack as I didn’t have it, I’ve know listened to it like 6 times and am loving it so much.) We then went for a walk and ended up having dinner in Leicester Square, and he got me 3 roses in the middle of dinner as well. They are gorgeous and our now sat beside my bed. It was the best date ever!! I told him he is going to be very hard pushed to ever beat it.

And then yesterday just before I got on the train he gave me a really cute teddy bear which I had seen while we had been shopping as another surprise.

I have never felt how I feel about him with anyone else. He has accepted me for me with all my baggage and crap. He hasn’t tried to change me and he can even deal with me first thing in the morning (he is very brave!). It’s so nice to have a guy who is different and doesn’t just want one thing out of me. Who actually wants to be with me and hasn’t run for the hills. We are very similar in certain ways but very different in other ways and I personally think that’s what makes us fit together so well.

But today has been hard cos I am missing him like hell. I just hope I can see him again in a couple of week’s time. I am just hoping now from the bottom of my heart that I have got the grades I need so I can stay and don’t have to leave him.

My sister and my parents have decided that I am seriously happy right now and they haven’t seen me this happy in ages and they are right cos I really am!

I’m sorry if I sound completely loved up and mushy.

I know I haven't posted for ages, I haven't been around and at the moment I am away so haven't had the chance to properly post. There is a lot to explain at some point, a magor thing has changed since last posting and that is I now have a boyfriend who is a total sweetheart-WOOHOO!!!!

Anyway these are some of the pics sent to me from my leaving bash and our ranger weekend away. It is so typical us, party, coffee & gossiping and standing in the black mountains in the rain - he he!

http://www.sendpix.com/albums/05072805/8xwn0ikk77/