I suck at IT

I don't like my blog anymore!!! It's really boring compared to everyone else's, I want to pics and stuff on it but I don't know how :( Maybe if I had actually gone to those IT key skills lessons for 3 years then I would have some clue. It's like how do I even put links on properly. It's just really, really annoying especially as I got a whole bunch of pics back today. GRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Time to hide from the world

I want to write so much and have wanted to write a lot for the last few days. But whenever it comes to doing it the words don't come and I just don't have the energy. Which just pushes my frustration levels even further than they are already are. But I will write properly in the next few days when my head is slightly better.
But in brief-

My family are driving me absolutely insane and more cracks seem to be showing up between us. My sister and her hubby came down for the weekend - it was a total disaster!

I can now officially wallpaper successfully - yay go me!!!

I have decided as soon as my room & stuff is sorted and I am completely packed up, I'm just going to go to Sweden and hide with my friends there until my family have decided they are ready to go cos if I stay here any longer I can see permanent holes occurring in our relationships.

All of my mates have now gone back to uni. And I miss them all so much already! It feels really weird they have all gone. To be honest it feels kinda lonely.

I ended up completely breaking down and losing it at rangers last night. Thank god it wasn't in front of the girls though. I really do think right now it's safer for me just to hide away in my room again. It's safer for the rest of the population not to have to deal with me.

Sleep is not happening yet again - I swear it's "megs life" re-run time.

Oh and I am still having allergic reactions to pretty much everything I am eating and drinking- woohoo go me! It now seems normal - is that normal?!

Today I've carried on decorating my room, I'm pretty much half way through it now but I have all the difficult bits left to do. And tomorrow I have to play with lining paper - which will be interesting. But I do like how it's coming on though cos waking up every morning it feels like waking up in the sky which is really nice. Hopefully I will have it finished by Tuesday at the very latest and then can go make a start on the dining room or the spare room.

House update- well we had someone come look at the house again this morning and they are sending a surveyor around so that is quite hopeful. Plus one of the other people who came to see it on Tuesday got in touch with us and was asking about prices for extensions etc and he said he would talk to his builders but he was still happy with the price we are asking so that is looking up as well. But I'm not going to start to count our chickens quite yet.

This afternoon I did something I haven't done in a long time. I ended up meeting up with a good friend I used to go to school with cos he is leaving for uni on Sunday. Anyway we ended up just having this jamming session for a few hours and it was just like going back 3/4 years to how it used to be back then. He was really surprised that it happened (in a good way) cos he hadn't heard me sing since year 11. But he seemed genuinely happy that I was back into my music again. We had such a good laugh, it was great and I felt so much better afterwards. It was the release I needed. Even rich said I seemed better afterwards even if I did have the red puffy eyes and husky throat.

I was looking back at old posts on here from when I first started and the first couple of months. And I have realized the posts recently are very similar to the ones back then. The same issues, thoughts and actions all over again. Just seems like I'm going in a continuous circle and the past is repeating itself yet again for the millionth time. So I think it's time I figure out how to break from the circle.

Ok- Huge getting out of system session so be warned!

There is a bunch of stuff that I thought I had sorted out, how I had felt about it etc and thought that I had got to the other end. Well I have realized that I am not at the other end and have just gone backwards. The thing is I'm really frustrated that I feel this way. I feel that lately I thought I was taking steps forward but in actual fact I have been taking multiple steps back. And I know what is back there and I don't want to go back there again. It's like being attached to a piece of elastic and I some how stretched it too far so now it's snapped backwards.

Everyone seems to think at the moment that I should be 100% happy because I'm moving to start a new life in Canada. I wish it was that easy. I don't regret the decision I have made but now im having to get used to living with that decision and it's harder than I thought. I really did think that after making the decision things would get easier but it hasn' quite happened like that..

I'm still avoiding telling people about leaving, literally until I told the rangers last night only 7 other people over here knew about it. None of my friends from college know, nor faye, peeps from woodlarks, my family over here, my friends from school, Guiding peeps and a bunch of other friends. Before lastnight I thought it was difficult telling people and seeing their faces etc. But last night at rangers I realized exactly what I am giving up and the hurt went that bit deeper. This new unit has been my baby since helping to set it up last year and I had been attached to the old unit for too many years before that. And it didn't hit me until lastnight, when we were all sat there planning the programme and then someone asked if I could so something and it hit me I wouldn't be there anymore. I am giving up my unit and leaving my friends some of the people who know me better than I do at times. I'm leaving the place I call home.

We had 2 lots of people come to view the house today and from the reaction I have heard I think both of them were unsuccessful. Plus another 2 lots of people who were interested before hand have dropped out as well because of change of plans. So we have another 2 sets of people to chase up and then it may mean going through an estate agents which isn't what we want or need. Which in turn may mean we won't be out to Canada until possibly after Christmas. And if that happens I will end up going bloody mental, but we will have to see. But I have realized that I have got over my issue with leaving this house but I'm not quite over having strangers walking through our house and especially my room. To me it's my personal space and today it felt like a complete invasion of it. I did not like it one little bit so I hid in the garden with akha (my cat) and we were both pissed off together.

I'm still having allergic reactions to pretty much everything I eat and drink and now even with coffee! IT'S NOT FAIR!!!! I'm now on even more meds which are seriously not helping me and sending me to ga ga land. And officially MY DOCTOR IS A COMPLETE AND UTTER TWAT!!!! And I swear he got his education from twatville university. I so wanted to punch his lights out yesterday and I still want to now!

I hate the way I am right now. It is starting to effect everything yet again how I feel about people, how I think, the way I interact with people, just generally who I am. It's like the way thing are with one of my friends at the moment I will call them X. Everytime I talk to X I seem to be moaning, ranting or on such a huge downer it's madness. I end up telling X all this stuff and passing all my shit on to them. X says it's fine that I confide in them but I know I shouldn't do it as they really don't deserve it! They deserve a much better friend than what I am and what I have been. And it's really not fair on them me just being a total and utter fucking twat! X is always so nice to me and always seems to be there and I don't deserve it. And I repay the friendship by being an emotional idiot not a particularly balanced friendship at all. I need to change and I need to change damn quick. I need to quit confiding in people and start keeping my own shit to myself. And become a better friend to X and try to make it up to them in whatever way I can.

Right now finding a cave or someplace where I could lock myself away from the world seems like a very good plan. Then the world doesn't have to suffer with the total wreck that I have become. As people don't deserve having shit like me in their lives as you all deserve a hell of a lot better.

Sara McLaughlin - Angel

Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always one reason to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty and weightless
and maybe I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here

So tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
and the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lie
that you make up for all that you lack
it don't make no difference
escaping one last time i
t's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

In the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here

I want a new body

I'm not a happy bunny at the minute. I had a huge allergic reaction to something on Tuesday, it started off in the morning but just ended up getting worse and worse. I have had 2 reactions similar to this in the past, one 4 years ago where it ended up affecting my joints and I ended up if school for nearly a month and counted write or walk. Then earlier this year I had another one which completely affected my whole body and I couldn't speak etc. Well this one decided to be a mixture of the past 2 nasty versions. Well eventually I decided on Wednesday morning I needed help so spoke to my doctor and now have a bunch of medication. I also have to go and see him on Monday to get a prescription for either steroids, an epipen or both (such a nice prospect- NOT!) so if this happens again I can sort it out quicker.
However I have a little problem already, ever since this major reaction I keep reacting again and again to just about everything I eat and drink. Which shouldn't be happening as I'm still taking anti histamines and the reactions shouldn't be getting as bad as they are. But none of us have a clue what has set it off. So basically if it's still this bad tomorrow I'm going to have to go see my doctor then rather than wait until after the weekend. But I'm gonna have to go on a really strict diet again to try and figure out what is triggering this. I'm so not impressed by any of this right now at all! Cos more than anything it just scares me especially when my face goes numb, my throat tightens and my jaw goes so I can't speak properly. It's like living a nightmare but it's real and I hate it more and more each time it happens. I have to say I don't know what I would do if this happened and I was by myself but hopefully I will get it sorted soon. Well I'm keeping my fingers crossed anyway.

Cocktail hour

So I'm moving to Canada....So I should be happy right? Well I am happy a bit of the time but the rest of the time talking to people about it I just end up in tears. But however upset I get I don't regret my decision but it just scares me to pieces. What happens with the few friends I do have out there and the family that have met me? I am a very different person now than I was 2 years ago and what happens if they don't like that. It's going to be strange but great to see those peeps again but it scares me as well. Since the decision was made on Thursday I keep having to tell people and still I've only told a handful of people but every time I tell someone I see the look on my friends face and it hurts me. The people I have told so far are the closest people to me, they have been there for me through it all the worst and best times over the years, some of them have known me for over 2/3rds of my life. And it hurts telling them! Makes what is happening real- yes but still hurts like mad! It doesn't make it any easier that most of my friends are going to be going back to uni in the next couple of weeks so I won't be able to see them regularly either.
Everyone important to me seems to be supporting me 100% about my decision. They all say that I have made the right decision and that they are very happy that I have finally admitted to myself and everyone that I am not strong enough to be over here. Even Heather admitted to me this evening that if I did end up staying here for 3 years or carried on the way I'm going at the moment I will end up having a nervous breakdown- not the nicest thing to hear. But it is the truth and I finally can admit that.
I decided to move to Canada because I'm not strong enough to be here. I need my safety network and that is disappearing far too quickly and if I ended up having 3 years ahead of me like the last 3 years I don't know what shape I would end up at the end of it all. I can finally admit that I am too screwed up to do a degree in psychology & counselling and I wouldn't get out of it what I needed to get out of it. Plus there are also a huge amount of things I need to sort out for myself before I even think about going into that career again as I would end up screwing other people and myself up. I don't even know if that is the career I want to take anymore and hopefully taking this year out will let me get some answers. I had to do a lot of soul searching but at the end of it I found that I made my decision a long time ago I just needed to make that leap of faith for it to happen.
So the leap has been made- all of my loans, accommodation and university stuff has all been cancelled. So no going back now. I have even been in touch with the Canadian High Commission to receive my S.I.N so I can work as soon as I get there. But I have decided to take a month out before flying over and going to Sweden before flying out.
Tonight I went out for dinner with heather and the bar men found out that we were celebrating the fact of me moving to Canada so I got lots of free cocktails. WOO WOO!!! But it has also made me quite drunk especially as I started to find out the mixture of booze I have in my system right now- I'm thinking my head could be quite special in the morning especially with the paint fumes. But I will let you all know what happens tomorrow!

Crunch time

Things have changed so much in the last 24 hours and the changes will become permanent after a couple of phonecalls. But basically the long and short of today was I hit crunch time and I had to make a decision about what I was definitely doing. And I think I shocked a few people because I've decided that I'm going to move to Canada. Which also meant that Jon and I broke up as well this evening.
Anyway I will explain it all properly later but right now I need some sleep because my brain is frazzled and my energy is completely gone. I never want to have to make crappy choices like that again!