Bittersweet Parties

Well lastnight was my last ranger meeting, and it was a such a great evening. I knew we were meant to be having a bun fight with a fire but when I showed up they set up a surprise party for me. Apparently I'm a pain in the neck to keep secrets from and people nearly dropped the surprise so many times but I didn't have a clue!
It was so cool they had decorated everywhere with pink & lilac streamers and Winnie the pooh balloons. They even got me a special Eeyore helium balloon and as it was in ranger colours made it even better. They then produced these Winnie the pooh party hats, plates, cups and napkins and a beautiful big cake. So I turned into a big kid for the evening but it's scary how well they know me but as they said after 6 years in that unit then they better know me that well.
Anyway we decided a fire was necessary but with us it is always necessary. Anyway the next thing I know I am being dragged from my fire being told I have some visitors. They had got 2 of my old ranger leaders to come up as a surprise. It was so good to see them, then one of the other guide leaders I have worked with showed up and was like you didn't tell me you were leaving us. So they started the questions of where am I going then, and they didn't like my answer of right now I haven't got a clue. But that was that. Also some of my friends who have left over the years came back up as well so it was a good reunion.
Anyway I then got to play with the fire again and we taught one of my leaders 7 year old daughter how to make pokey sticks in the fire. We decided we better teach her from an early age how to be a pyromaniac like the rest of us. It is working cos she used to be scared of our fires and now she loves them -yay!! We decided as we had a fire we had to sing random stupid songs (we have all been in Guiding for too long!). If anyone had seen me then they would of thought I was drunk or off my head. But it was just me having a laugh with my mates and singing the crazy moose song and just generally being "Pixie Megarn". One of my mates even made up a new moose song to the tune of Edleweiss which is so cool!
However in the middle of all of this everyone seemed to make their way down to the fire and acting really shifty. The next thing I know Chris was making this speech about me saying big thank you's etc and giving me a bag full of pressies and a card. The bag was so cool it had fluffy handles and was pink -it was so amazing!!! They all decided that they shouldn't of bothered with the pressies they should of just given me the bag cos I was so hyper about it. Eventually I opened my pressies to find an eeyore cross stitch bookmark (apparently another excuse for me to avoid my work come September), they also got me a To me to You -Guiding autograph book and a silver necklace and earrings which had the British Guiding Friendship Pendants on it. So wherever I am I will always remember my ranger friends in Cheltenham.Well that was it and it set me off cos what they didn't understand is that I will never be able to forget any of them. I have been in that unit for 6 years now and seeing a bunch of them every monday night for that length of time they can never be forgotten.
The party eventually ended but apparently the celebrations are not over yet and they will be continuing this weekend on our weekend away. We found out lastnight that we should be able to have fires at both the youth hostels we are staying at which has pleased us all. I also have to renew my promise this weekend but this time as a Ranger Leader, they said I can choose when I want to do it over the weekend and I'm just glad I can do it with them. I'm thinking of doing it after one of the fires in the evening by candle light before the drinks come out. But we will see how it goes.
Lastnight really made me realise how much I do not want to be leaving Cheltenham, these people are my friends and I have been through so much with them. They also except me for me and I know wherever I end up if I join another unit it will never be the same as my friends from Park District/ Cheltenham West Rangers. But I just have to stay positive about this weekend and ignore the fact that I am leaving them all.

Today I finally finished the song I have been writing, still don't think it's any good. It has frustrated me so much trying to finish it. I was good in my head at the beginning but my mood changed and trying to finish it has been really difficult but I got there I guess. But it may be put in a bin very soon but at least I finished it I guess.

I've realized that writing at the moment is really cathartic. It may not make any sense to anyone else but it gets it out of my head for a bit. It's like the poem I wrote lastnight it wasn't good but in my head it made the point I needed to make. And today I sat and wrote a huge letter to my brother about so many things I have been wanting to tell him, I don't think I will ever send it to him but it made me feel better just for writing it. Then he doesn't have to know how much I really miss him and stuff.

Don't know what I am gonna do this weekend but hopefully will be going out and getting trashed again.

Every word it hurts a bit deeper
My heart tries to close from you
But still I can’t shut you out
And do the walking I need to do

Why did I open my heart?
Why did I let you in?
Cos every little word you say
Gets right underneath my skin

And I need to feel numb, so numb

Every drink makes it easier
And I can stop thinking about you
And then go numb, so numb
Then you don’t get through

But in the cold light of day
Where the drink has all gone
You’re back right there again
And I need to be numb

I thought you knew me
I thought you understood
But I can never tell you how I feel
Be honest what it’s about

Cos you will never get it
You will never understand
Cos every word I need to say
Is being screamed at you from inside

And I need to feel numb, so numb

The cold light of day

So the explanation of what went on yesterday. Firstly Treena and Jeff decided to show up out of the blue on the way back from Wales. They didnt seem to impressed that I was actually going out when they arrived but that is not my problem if they don't give us any warning that they are going to show up. She also got really annoyed to find that I had been sleeping in "her" bedroom, well there was no place to stay in my room so where am I going to sleep?! So the world begins to revolve around Treena again.

Anyway I ended up going out with Faye & Tim and Sarah & Roland we went for pizza and then to the cinema to watch War of the Worlds. I knew things were different from the moment I stepped into the car. For the first time in 3 years I couldn't actually keep a conversation going with Faye. Then something seemed to of changed between me and Sarah. Well anyway the whole evening through I felt like a 5 wheel / gooseberry. And to be quite honest I really don't think they wanted me to be there. And that's fine I completly understand that if they wanted to do the coupley thing or just not want me there then go for it, I would just of prefered them to tell me. Now don't get me wrong I have no problems going out with friends who are couples, I do it regularly and it's all good by me. But when it gets to the point that no one talks to you and they just want to speak sweet nothings to their partner then I have an issue. Even in the car on the way back no one said 2 words to me, as they were doing the coupley thing. It just put me on a huge pissed off downer which Dr. Pepper couldn't even get me out of.
Lastnight was the first time in a long time that when I was out I had an issue with my single status. It made me realise that out of all of my friends over here I am now the only single one- such a great realisation! For so long I have been actually quite happy being single just because it was easier with what was happening in my life. Now it's not and I want to be in a relationship. I want to share part of my life with someone and have that extra connection that comes in a relationship rather than a friendship. I just want someone to except me for me. I know I'm not the thin girl, or the pretty girl. Yeah I may suffer from depression and it means I have my bad patches and really shitty days, but it also means when I have good days I appreciate them even more than most people but being depressed isn't all who I am. And yeah I have my baggage which messes things up at times but doesn't everyone have some. I'm not trying to make out that I don't have my problems because I do and I know that I am not the easiet person for a guy to have in their life but why can't any of them see past that stuff? I'm sick of having to change myself for guys to have me in their life, I just want a guy who will just take me for me the good as well as the bad. I want to be the person someone wants to be with, rather than me being the one always wanting to be with them.

The cold light of day

Lots has happened today and I'm really pissed off right now. This evening wasn't so great either but I did see War of the Worlds. Will right more tomorrow when I won't regret what I write.

Heineken and open mike nights.

Tonight has been such a rollercoaster. I've had a pretty shitty day and didn't really want to go out tonight but I decided I should. As wallowing at home wouldn't be good. So I met up with Faye, Sarah, Roland, Tim and Nat at an open mike night at a pub. During the evening things got bad and I was ready to bolt cos I couldn't deal with it anymore. But then I got more pints down me and things got a lot better.
Tonight I took a huge step for me and I'm still so utterly happy right now and hyper you would not believe. At the end of the evening I got up and sang, I start by singing some things with roland playing guitar and then went acapella. I wanted to find out from my friends how my voice was now a days, I valued their opinions so much firstly they are musicians and secondly I knew they would be brutally honest with me about how it was. They said they I was good and have told me I should go back with them again next week but whether or not I do that we will see..And then go to the open mike night we went to on sunday in town (but that's big and scary so maybe not!). There was also discussion tonight of me joining one of their bands or at least jamming with them which would be so cool. But I should be going out with them all tomorrow night so I will find out the truth then in the cold light of day when we are all sober of how it actually was.
It was such a release though, feeling that bad and then just singing and it all just disappeared and this over whelming feeling of happiness came. I know I messed some of the words up but hey ho I had been drinking. That wasn't going to put a dampener of my evening. And my range isn't as big as it used to be but I haven't had lessons for years and haven't practiced scales for so long that it didn't surprise me. But it was a confidence boost and they think that my old music teacher was a twat! Maybe this was the break back into music I needed only time will tell. So watch this space.

Things are so completely fucked up right now. I wish I could explain it but I don't even have the words to try and begin to start to. I just want to run away from it all, go find somewhere to hide so people can't find me. I can't do this anymore.

Why is it that at times I can care for people more than I should?
Why do I become worried about them?
Why do I care so much what is happening with them?
Why do I let so mnay people into my heart?

The things that lurk beneath the bed

Since I started sorting and packing my room up, I have been avoiding going under my bed and clearing out. Most peeps would find random crap like old plates, cups etc. Well I know I didn't have anything like that under my bed. But I did have the scary boxes full of music and work from my old school that I have been avoiding touching for a long time. Well the avoidance couldn't hold out any longer.

I didn't realize how many music books I had and how much cello music I had either. 8 years of cello music does build up as I have found out. The thing is looking through them the painful memories kept coming through of all the cello lessons where my last teacher kept putting me down and the feeling of resentment just came flooding over me. But then the happy times came through afterwards, with all the orchestra music I found and remembering all the friends I made through that and our conductor who was my previous cello teacher.

But then I found a bunch of stuff I had completely forgotten about and couldn't remember existed. At the bottom of the final box were 2 plastic folders. One had a bunch of certificates for my Cello grade exams and my theory grade exams in it. But then I opened the other plastic folder and inside were a couple of certificates I had completely forgotten about, it had my Deans and Bishops Award certificates & medals in there for the Royal School of Church Music, plus the other 3 medals I got previously to them.

But underneath them was a bunch of papers that scared me even more. I found all the service sheets and music from the Youth Services in my old church 3 years ago. It's something I had blocked from my mind a long time ago as there were too many bad feelings attached to it. For 18 months I had helped run a youth/worship service once a month in my church. Basically it was me, one of the clergy and Linda ( member of the congregation) who set the whole thing up, organized every month etc. It was a lot of hard work but I eventually got enough people involved I could just do the background work. But there was always something I could never get out of and that was leading the worship band. Every month I had to be at the front singing my heart out and I'm not denying I didn't enjoy it because I did. It was also the reason I became a singer of a band.

I'm sorry if I sounded like I was boasting about my achievements because it isn't meant in that way at all. I personally don't think I deserve half of the things I was given and should never of done half the things I did. That is why they were all at the bottom of a box so I could ignore it all.

Finding all this stuff has made me question my judgments so much of why I gave it all up. What was I thinking at the time?! In my warped thinking I kinda have proof now that someone out there must of thought I wasn't that bad at singing cos I got awards for it and if I was that bad the church would of stopped me from leading the worship band and my friends would of told me to stop being in their band. Instead it was me who chose to leave all these things. For 2 years during my GCSE's in every single lesson every week, the new head of music told me I was crap, belittled me and told me I should never of been music because I had no talent and shouldn't of even be bothering. I can remember having arguements with our other music teacher because she was trying to convince me to carry on being in the choir, do something in the concerts etc but I wouldn't. But I could never explain to her why I couldn't do it and even in my year book the last thing she wrote was keep up the wonderful singing. But I ignored what she wrote and everything else everyone told me. He had won and I gave it all up, and I gave it all up because of him.

Music for so long brought me such happiness and such a release. I could just go into my own world, write about how I was feeling, release the anger and pain in a way which couldn't hurt anyone especially myself. Even my doctor over the last 3 years has told me to go back and write music and sing again as it made me feel better. Even when I was at the wedding last weekend Adam was trying to persuade me to join a band again. But how can I do that?! I don't think I have enough talent anymore and I'm definitely not good enough. I have no confidence about it anymore and I'm scared if I did sing again someone will start telling me what he told me all over again. The last time I ever sang in front of anyone purposely was at my granddad's funeral where my parents persuaded me to sing and I couldn't say no to them. But I miss it so much and I regret every day giving it all up. I wish I had my own cello but I am in no position to buy one even a second hand one. I want to find a way back into it I just don't know how to do that. I even asked my mum earlier why they let me give it all up and I understand why they couldn't stop me. I am my biggest critic and until I think I am any good again whatever anyone else says I won't believe them.

Just my luck

Ok looks like there is seriously bad luck happening in my house right now. A couple of months ago our boiler went so we had to get a new one. Then last month our washing machine broke so we had to buy a new one. And guess what -our fridge/freezer decided to die this evening!!!
The appliances couldn't last out 2 more months until we all leave. It's such a waste of money right now because it's not like my parents can take the appliances with them either. This is a drain of money we can't afford and I'm pissed off now!!

YAY!!! I've just found out that Beth decided to go to Italy for a week on the weekend so she is ok!!

This is all so bloody fucked up! The number of deaths is up into the 50s now but is still rising as they cant get into one of the train carriages cos the tunnel apparently is too unsafe. The critical list is still in the 40s. There are so many people wandering round London right now trying to find their loved ones who are missing with appeals going out on the radio, television and newspapers all the time How the hell can anyone do anything like this?! I'm just holding out that karma wins through in the end.

My phone went off at 5am this morning with a message from my sister in law. Apparently they had been driving back from a rodeo type thing and had just gone past a field with moose bulls in it. So it made them think of me and they had to text me to tell me about it. I want to go on adventures with them as my brother always seems to be finding moose. For those of you who don't know I have a huge obsession with moose. It has made my day that Brian and Charly remember the random things about me.

For a couple of months now I have had this recurring dream. And it happened again lastnight. Each time it has the same theme and most of the events are the same just little details change. The first couple of times I had this dream, it didn't bother me because I've had recurring dreams before. But now I have had it 5 times and its just weirding me out. I know exactly what its about and that its my inner dreams/desires which I cant share with people. In the beginning everytime I had this dream it made me happy and it still does to a certain extent but it makes me so sad now as well. Because I know the only way these things will ever happen is in my dreams. However hard I wish for them to happen they just wont. I hope I quit dreaming this stupid dream.

Well so far it's 700 injured and 39 dead. They still haven't begun to announce the amounts of deaths from the bus but it has been said that the state of the bodies are just bad. The police have said they don't think it's over yet. And that they had no warning. There are even more problems still this evening as they think they may have found a new group of people trapped in the underground. I still can't get hold of my friend and I am honestly getting worried now.
All day it has felt like a movie going on in front of us but it isn't a movie and this is real people and real times.
I wish there was something I could do to help all these people who have been affected so badly. All I can do right now is send my love and thoughts to the victims.

Waking up in a daze

It's seems to unreal right now what has happened. All of fears have come true. I keep seeing the pictures on the tv and listening to things on the radio but it seems so unreal. They have put most of the magor cities in the UK on terrorist alert and will just be time and cheltenham will be one of them as well. Right now I'm actually quite scared cos one of my friends from Canada is living in London at the moment and now I can't get hold of her. But most of the phone networks are down cos they are being used so heavily. So I'm just holding out that she gets in touch soon. It just feels like I'm walking around in a complete daze.

Get me out of HERE!!!!

Firstly Happy Birthday Brian and Lotta!! Wish I was with either of them but I can't be so that's that I guess. I kept myself together well when talking to them which I was quite proud of, just broke down afterwards but that's nothing new at the moment.

Yesterday and today I have been trying to pack my room up. I have been positive about it, with a whole new start and don't need all this baggage etc. It's kind of doing my head in at the moment though because I have to split everything up into 4 different sets of boxes. The stuff to take to uni & need at the moment, stuff to go to my parents, things that need to go in storage over here and stuff to get rid of. The hardest thing out of all of it though has been taking all my photos down from the walls and putting all my photo frames away in boxes. It may sound stupid to anyone else but I need my photos around me. I have too many people who are very important people to me and they are not around in my life cos of where they live. Having their pictures around me helps me when I miss them. Crazy I know but that's me. But my parents have told me I can't put them back on the walls after my room has been decorated. It will be an interesting couple of months ahead.

Things between me and my parents keep going from bad to worse. The guilt trips and the emotional black mailing to make me go to Canada is just getting too much. It got to the point now that I can't even look at them. They don't get how I feel about any of it and when I try to explain it just turns into a massive slanging match. All hell broke loose between me and my mum at 1am this morning. Then again this afternoon. The thing is both of them are now slagging each other off to me which is not what I need. And the best of it is they are trying to blame all of it on the fact that I am staying here where the actual problem is their relationship. I'm sick of it. This afternoon dad told me he would finally talk to mum, so what happens he doesn't I end up in a complete shouting match with my mum and I'm the one who looks like a complete bitch and he just stood there with his mouth shut.

I don't want to be in this house for another 2 months with them if this is what it's going to be like. I thought the last 2 months of us living together would be nice well how wrong was I! If it carries on like this I will be moving out sooner because they are making me feel worse than I already am and I do not need it. Selfish I know but there we go!

Make Poverty History!!

All I want to say today is if you haven't already signed it and you're reading this please go to http://www.live8live.com

Make your voice heard!

Just wanted to say to all the Canadian peeps reading this

Happy Canada Day!! I hope you all have a good long weekend!

It's quite funny I was the only person in our household to remember what day it was. And they call Canada their home- tsk tsk.