WOOHOO

YAY!!!!! I'm a very happy bunny right now, I have finally just finished faye and tim's wedding present. They will never know how much this thing means to me as it has kept me sane through some insane times lately.

Here's hoping they like it!

The first day of the rest of my life!

Today is a new day and I am making it a new start. The only person who can change how I am feeling is me. So it's time to turn the negatives into positives. If other people can get through this so can I! Time to put my argumentative and persistent streak into place, if the depression wants a fight then it is going to get one. But it isn't going to win any time soon. If I fought it at 15 by myself then I can do it again 4 years later!
My day has been good, and I have done a lot of things to help myself. My doctor is being a complete twat and my counsellor is too busy to see me. So I bought myself some St. John's Wort tablets and am doing heavy, serious exercise which should boost my serotonin levels. Plus I can also blog on here when I need to get things off my chest. I have made some cd's which only have positive, happy music on them which I can walk and exercise to. Plus they will give me a happy boost if I need it. I have put new flowers from my garden in my bedroom, they are bright yellow and oranges so good happy colours.
I have decided that I can't make a proper decision about what to do about the moving thing until my exams results come out. So until then I'm not going to make any rash decisions. But today I have finally got my loan forms sent off and will do my accommodation forms by the end of next week. So things for salford will be sorting themselves out.
I'm so happy I got my hair cut as short as I did because it's so much better now in the heat. As I found out today. And I actually think it's suits me better this length as well. I finally found a shrug to go with my outfit for the wedding. And WOOHOO I have definitely gone down 2 top sizes!! Which I am so utterly happy about right now. I thought I had a few weeks ago but I confirmed it by getting this top at a different shop and yes it really is true!! I think feeling happier about my appearance will also help me feel better. Which is wear the exercise comes into play as well if I keep loosing the weight I will find a size that I am actually happy at which I know in my head will make things better.
So time to say a big thankyou to suzi, spencer, lotta and dan for giving me the kick up the backside I needed. Thankyou peeps!!

I cant do it anymore and I don’t know what to do. I cant even trust my own judgement any longer. I keep making mistake after mistake and tearing everything apart. I just mess everything up and everyone who comes near me. It seems that everything I go near at the moment just turns bad. And it is hurting the people I love.
I don’t even know who I am now, I don’t know which part is me and which is the depression. I don’t know what I want from life, what I want to do with life, what I even need right now. All I know is that I’m sick of hurting everyone around me. They shouldn’t have to deal with me like this, as they all deserve so much better. I want to find me again and have the dreams I wanted to fulfil. I want to be genuinely smiling at everyone rather than wearing this convincing mask. I just want to be me again.






How can they say it is easy?
How can they not regret?
How do you trust your choices?
As you fall with every step.

Go further in the darkness
The pain and fear surrounding
Not being able to see a way out
The walls closing in around you

I just wish I could get out
From this hell that I am living
To find a way back to the light
Where the tears stop flowing.

Will someone show me the way?
Or do I just keep sinking?
Will they see past the mask?
And see that I’m actually breaking.

With the darkness all around now
The cold driven to the bone
Where my soul is still bleeding
Where do I go?

Am I still me?
Or has the dark over taken?
Does the pain run too deep?
That it can never be broken.

This song used to be my song. As my friedns put it, it was my anthem. I sang it for our year 9 concert, my gcse music exam and our year 11 leavers concert. Well I still think it is me, I just tried to ignore it.

I dreamed a dream from Les Miserables

There was a time when men were kind
When their voices were soft
And their words inviting
There was a time when love was blind
And the world was a song
And the song was exciting
There was a time
Then it all went wrong

I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high
And life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving

Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted

But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
And they turn your dream to shame

And still I dream he'll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.

life

For a couple of days now I have been so happy and I honestly and truly wanted it to last. I wanted it to mean that I was beginning to reach the surface again but how wrong was I. I'm so sick of feeling like this I just want to be feel normal and happy and be going on a steady playing field. Rather than a roller coaster as it is right now, huge highs followed by serious lows. I want to be able to trust my own judgments again and be reliant on myself like I used to be. I want a way out of this crappy nightmare and back in to the real world. Where I actually sleep, have the motivation to get a job, where I don't mess everything up which I go near, where it isn't a fight to get out of bed every morning, to not push everyone away from me, to feel like I can stand on my own 2 feet again rather than be too reliant on others and not think it's a great achievement to get through each day in one piece.

More and more lately I have been rethinking my decision about staying here in September, everyone thinks I'm so certain about staying here but what they don't know is that in my mind I am questioning my decision every 5 minutes. It doesn't help that I have to actually wait until the 18th of August to find my exams results out which will decide if I can actually go to Uni here. I have been avoiding have to think about all of this for far too long but the point is I can't actually avoid it anymore.

I found a pros and cons list that I wrote last April about my decision and it has scared me how much has changed since then. This year has proven how many of my friends from college I have lost touch with. Then there are people from rangers, other good friends, family I have over here that I have been loosing touch with since then. Then there is the fact that I can't rely on anything Heather said she would do in the past.

So I decided to write a new list and the results have kinda scared me.

Staying in England
Pros
- Can do a degree purely in Psychology and Counselling.
- I can gain independence
- Nearer to being able to see my adopted family in Sweden.
- Can still see Heidi, Vix, Sarah and Faye.
- Can visit my rangers
- Can still see Emma, Rich and Becks
- Can still go to Woodlarks
- Can keep part of my safety network.
- Can prove a point to everyone including me that I can cope by myself.


Moving to Canada
Pros
- Can see my mum and dad regularly.
- Can see Treena & Jeff and Brian & Charly
- Can see Nat and Sean grow up and actually be a proper part of their lives.
- I won't have a permanent place to stay through the holidays in Salford
- Have nowhere to store my stuff while at Salford
- Have no family in England who I know will defiantly be there to fall back on if it all goes wrong at Salford.
- I dont have to give up Akha
- I wont have to afford to regularly fly over to Canada.
- I wont have to worry about the cost of calls to talk to my family.
- I will have my family around to celebrate birthdays, Christmas, thanksgiving etc.
- I can go to uni in Canada.
- Im going to be a minimum of 4 hours away from anyone in Salford.
- I can take up Guiding in Canada and be a Ranger Leader again.
- I can make a new start for myself without all the past baggage.
- I can try and repair the bridges that I burnt while I was there last time.
- I can actually get to know and meet more of my family.
- Can live far enough away from my parents and siblings to have independence but still have them in the same country.
- I can explore the country I fell in love with 2 years ago.

Realistically If I stay here the probability is very high that I wont be able to afford to go to Canada for Christmas. That means I wont be able to go over until Easter or summer next year. Which means by then it will be a minimum of 6 months not seeing my parents and Treena & Jeff. And I wont see Sean until he is a year old, and the scary bit would be it would be nearly 3 years since seeing Bri, Charly and Nat. I dont want that! I want to be able to celebrate my niece and nephews birthdays. I want to spend Christmas with all my family. I cant even remember the last time Bri and me actually celebrated a birthday together it was that many years ago. I want to be able to just sit down and have a beer with him and talk about crap.

Why have I put such a negative on going to Canada? 2 years ago I fell in love with the place and didnt want to come home. Even when I did come back I was trying to figure out any which way possible to get back there. Looking at university courses, looking for jobs, places to rent, how to move my stuff out there. And then it all stopped. Why did it stop?

I dont even know if I want to be a counsellor anymore or even if I would be any good at it. Is it what i want to do with my life? Do I need to be sorting my head and my options out before I make a decision about my career? I could take a year out, get some money, bum around Canada, find out who I am. I don't know!!!

This decision is too hard!
I dont want to make it!
Can someone please choose for me....

Sparkly shoes

Lots and lots has happened today, keeping busy is a good thing right now cos it stops me from thinking. I spent most of the day shopping with Em in Gloucester and found a pair of shoes for the wedding. The are white strappy thongs with sequins sewn on top. When the sequins hits the light, they become all pearlized pink and purple - they are so cool!! I have sparkly shoes -WOOHOO!!!!!!!! But I still haven't found a top to wear over my strappy top. I wouldn't care that much but I actually need to pretend to look half decent as I have to stand up in front of everyone for this reading. I'm getting more and more scared about it by the day right now.

Anyway then I had rangers tonight and we did our second evening of our service project. We have been helping an elderly couple in their 80's/90's. We have repainted their gates, weeded their garden, did some pruning, watered all the flowers, planted some new flowers and gave the front of the house a good scrub where the moss was showing on the white paint. They kept thanking us and offering us money etc, but it warmed all our hearts so much. Apparently they have been telling everyone how lucky they are to have us helping them. But as we said tonight all we have done is given up around 4 hours of our time. It has given them a bit more dignity for them to live independently, as they now have flowers to look at and everything just looks smarter. It just shows how something so simple can help someone so much. We made a decision as a group tonight to officially adopt them and help them once or twice a term now. It made my day just to see the smile they had on their faces when they opened their front door and saw it all finished.

Heather was interesting at rangers tonight, she tried to act like nothing has ever happened between us. That everything is peachy and fab. So I just played along with her, she seemed shocked that I was. But I'm not willing to waste my time and energy anymore on fixing something which doesn't want to be fixed. But we will see I'm still having to go to her place on Friday and cook them dinner, I don't know how it will be. But the happy mask will be back on so I won't get the lectures from her.

I wish I was asleep right now but the fun of not sleeping has kicked in again. I have so much going on in my head right now that is so messed up I can't put it to one side and actually sleep. I wish I had the answers, the solutions and a magic wand to fix it all or a time machine to go change things. I wish I could explain it but I can't, it's far too messed up for words right now. I want someone to come along and knock me out for a couple of hours so I don't think about it and actually quit looking like a professional zombie impressionist. It's not like I can even have a lie in, cos I'm getting my hair cut (yay!!), then going for lunch with heidi and trying to fix the roadkill I have made of our friendship in the last 2 months before she disappears to Barbados on Thursday.

Can someone please send me some sleep?

Today is the kinda day I want the rest of the summer to be like. I haven't felt this happy for so long it doesn't even seem real. Well I have spent most of the later morning and afternoon, going out for lunch and drinks with 2 of my good friends who I used to go to school with. It was so good to see them even if they are only around for today but I know they will both be back properly for the summer at the end of this week which is fantastic. It was so good to see them and catch up, it was like it always used to be.
Just as we were all leaving one of my friends gave me an envelope and told me to look at it when I got home. So I did and she is such an absolute star. Inside the envelope was a CD, she had made it for me. It had a letter with it telling me that it had certain songs on it that she hoped I would remember and yes I do. They brought back so many memories of so much that has happened. Apparently it's a CD for me to listen to when I feel bad and its meant to make me smile again. When I was listening to it I was in tears but good tears, happy tears-it's been a while since I've shed some of them.
I can't believe she made it for me and still remembers the same crazy things as I do about us in the last 8 years. One of the songs was Mmmbop by Hanson, it was in our bad cheesy pop stage, we were only 11 before you shout at me. It has Build me up buttercup by the foundations, what we always used to end up singing in the changing rooms after P.E, the teachers just ended up joining in by the end of it they could never stop us. It's got My generation by The Who which we all did in the variety show in year 11 with dave's Wunder Band, I think we all must of been on something that day! Hero by Enrique Englesias which ended up being our year song at our year 11 ball. One of the guys who had been off for a couple of months cos he was in an accident came back for the Ball and got up and sang that. It got all of us together and we were all in tears but it was good cos it was all so us at the time. And then last but not least it has crash and burn by savage garden. It was our song and I'm guessing it still is, cos we both know that the other will always be there. The rest of the CD just had other random songs which we have both loved over the years, with all the embarrassing songs which neither of will admit to anyone else that we like. She is such a sweetie and she did it, she made me smile. How did I get friends who are so nice to me?
Then when I got home I found a vase of sweet peas in my room which my mum put in there for me. They are so beautiful and smell so pretty, they have made me smile even more.
When I was listening to the CD I was singing a long to it and it felt so good, when I emerged out of my room afterwards I realised my mum was in the room next to mine. Apparently according to her it's good to hear me sing again. But she is my mum so I don't trust her judgment on that one. But it was good, I'm happy right now and I'm loving it. I hope the rest of week carries on like this. I'm crossing my fingers and toes and holding my thumbs (it's a Swedish thing) that it will be.

This is me this morning

Out here on my own from Fame

Sometimes I wonder where I've been,
Who I am,
Do I fit in.
Make believein' is hard alone,
Out here on my own.

We're always provin' who we are,
Always reachin'
For that risin' star
To guide me far
And shine me home,
Out here on my own.

When I'm down and feelin' blue,
I close my eyes so I can be with you.
Oh, baby be strong for me;
Baby belong to me.
Help me through.
Help me need you.

Until the morning sun appears
Making light
Of all my fears,
I dry the tears
I've never shown,
Out here on my own.

But when I'm down and feelin' blue,
I close my eyes so I can be with you.
Oh, baby be strong for me;
Baby, belong to me.
Help me through.
Help me need you.

Sometimes I wonder where I've been,
Who I am,
Do I fit in.
I may not win,
But I can't be thrown,
Out here on my own,

The day after the night before

I haven't been in the mood to write for a couple of days but the writing mood is back again. Well the award thingy was bad but I got through it, put a smile on for everyone and escaped as quickly as possible afterwards. It was really bad we had to have our photos taken with the vice principal as we were given our award. The first time of meeting her after 3 years at that place Thank god I had made an effort before going . Faye wasn't happy cos they had changed what she had written about me. But the good things out of the evening was for once in my life I actually pleased my parents which was quite an achievement for me. I also got to meet Tim which was good, he seemed quite scared by the reading I have to do at their wedding but more about that later. And faye got to sign my certificate in pink pen, it was so funny and so faye it was cool. I actually have to admit at the end of the ceremony the vice principal was saying some stuff and it made me think that was last time at college. I wouldn't be back after 3 years it was all over. It was really strange and I don't think it has quite hit home yet. But I pulled myself together and it was all ok, no tears for me -yay!!!
Anyway a lot happened yesterday and for a while it looked like I wouldn't be going to the hen night but I decided to put on a brave face and the alcohol would be pain killers enough for me. Things didn't start off well 4 of the other girls from my A2 group who were meant to be coming dropped out on me at the last minute. So I ended up going by myself and I was scared cos I didn't know anyone else going. But that wasn't a problem for long. In the end there was 9 of us. However as the night progressed things got shitty and we all found out how 2 faced Ali is and it really upset faye which made us even more mad. However on the good side faye, Sarah (her sister), Natasha (one of faye's students from Gloucester) and me got absolutely trashed out of our heads. Just at the restaurant we ended up spending £70 on alcohol between 3 of us ( for all youCanadianss outthereethat'ss about $140) . But it was funny I literally had to hold faye's hand all thewaya back cos she couldn't even walk properly. ButIi can't talk cos I was just as bad. But a cool thing out of evening was that I found out I get on really well withSarahh andNatt so we have decided we are going on the single guy table at the wedding. Faye was also trying to convince us all that we are sexy women and can have any guy wewantt. At that point I just decided to smile and nod even though I know its not true about me but there we go it was easier to get faye off my back that way.
But on the way back afterwards it just got worse, faye had decided she was going to set me up with a guy from tim's band cos he is a musician and self harms in pretty patterns so she thinks we would get on well. I'm not holding much hope out on that oneespeciallyy as no one is quite sure if he isn't gay. But then I stupidly told faye About the guy I have a huge thing for, she was so funny about it and wanted to know all the details. One of those memories I'm not going to forget any time soon. I'm guessing you had to be there.
Well anyway whenIi eventually got home I stupidly started talking to the guy whoIi like and in my not so sober greatjudgmentt thinking, I kinda told him how I felt about him. Thinking that I was being subtle enough that he wouldn't figure it out. I was drunk it was just bad!
Anyway 5am this morning I wake up, the room still spinning, my feet are killing as Irealizee that my ankles are red raw with blisters on them -grrr evil shoes!! And then I realise what I said to him, trying to convince myself that I hadn't said it just didn't work.
Anyway I found out earlier he figured out what I was saying and I wasn't being that subtle. I don't know what will happen now. But I have learnt a few precious things, don't talk to guys who you like when you drunk, don't try and be subtle when your drunk cos it doesn't work and most of all check your feet for blisters and sort them out before you go to sleep.
But I have figured out the best cure for a hangover, watching lots of episodes of dawsons creek and having a good blub, eating cous cous and drinking coffee. It is the way forward. Well apparently my parents had quite a giggle last night about the state I was in when I got home. Trying to act sober didn't really work. If it was this bad at the hen night and that was only 6 hours long what is the wedding going to be like when we will be drinking for around 10 hours. This could be very interesting, but I'm a lot happier about going by myself now cos ofNatt andSarahh. We are all going to help faye get ready the morning of the wedding as well so it should be good. Roll on next weekend.

WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's all over my final exam has come and gone. It actually went quite well, all the things that I wanted to come up came up. It was just such a great paper!!! The 6 approaches with the research methods and there contributions to psychology, the nature/nurture debate and good old Milgram with ethical guidelines. And doing my AS a couple of weeks ago has helped with it so much. I am actually surprised about how much I actually remembered about it all.
So yeah no more doscat for me!!!! After 3 years it is such a good feeling to be finished!
It was so funny in the car back from college, heidi and me just had the music on full blast, windows down and bopping along. We were so hyper it was just funny! The summer is here and I am determined to enjoy it. The celebrations are being put on hold until friday where it will be huge piss up with faye's hen night and us finishing our exams.
But before that I have the evilness of the award ceremony tomorrow night, I am dreading it so much!!!!!!! Let's see how much of a fool I make of myself tomorrow.

The final cramming session

Tonight is the final push of cramming before my final exam tomorrow afternoon. So another night of caffeine and lack of sleep ahead for me but hey ho. I can't quite believe that after 3 years tomorrow it will be all over. No having to go back to GLOSCAT except for stupid award evening crappy thing on thursday evening. I was talking to Vix tonight we have both been at good old Doscat for 3 years now and neither of us can quite believe its going to be all over. I've had lectures with her for 3 years now and I can't believe its all over. I still haven't told her of any of my others mates about my award thing so I am hoping faye keeps her mouth shut about it tomorrow cos I really don't need them finding out about it. It's scary vix and me realised that in the whole of my A2 group I am the only person moving away to go to uni in september, the rest of them are either taking years out, going to uni in cheltenham or doing faye's part time degree course back at Doscat. It's made me think that in 12 weeks time I will be leaving Cheltenham and leaving them all behind. Not a great thought right now.

Sheryl Crow - Strong Enough

God, I feel like hell tonight
Tears of rage I cannot fight
I’d be the last to help you understand
Are you strong enough to be my man?

Nothing’s true and nothing’s right
So let me be alone tonight
Cause you can’t change the way I am
Are you strong enough to be my man?

Lie to me
I promise I’ll believe
Lie to me
But please don’t leave

I have a face I cannot show
I make the rules up as I go
It’s try and love me if you can
Are you strong enough to be my man?

When I’ve shown you that I just don’t care
When I’m throwing punches in the air
When I’m broken down and I can’t stand
Will you be strong enough to be my man?

Lie to me
I promise I’ll believe
Lie to me
But please don’t leave

I let you in and you let me down

At the age of 11 I asked Heather to be my godmother and for whatever reasons of hers she agreed to do it. At the time I thought she was best person to take this role which in my eyes was going to be quite significant. However now I do not know my reasons of asking her back then and why I thought she was the right person. I wish I could remember back then, maybe it might help me realise something about her that I have forgotten or maybe it might make me realise how idealistic I was at the age of 11. I don't know but it would give me some answers right now.

When I was up at my sisters a couple of weeks ago we were having a deep and meaningful about everything that had been happening and it led on to what happened with Heather. My sister said to me that your relationship with Heather hasn't been good for years and I don't understand why you ever asked her. And I told her I don't know why I did at all.

My relationship with Heather has been difficult for many years and I can't even remember a time anymore when it was actually good. I can remember us doing things which were good but then something came along and hindered it all. We have always had a weird relationship as she was my guide leader and then became my ranger leader, and even now we are joint ranger leaders in our unit. Not that long ago she even told me herself that she doesn't know how I have survived through it all as she was always harder on me than anyone else. And don't I know it! Yeah I understood that she didn't want to be seen by anyone to be giving me special treatment and I never wanted it either. But when she treats me so much harsher than anyone else that the other girls are picking up on it and asking me what is going on between us- it causes a slight problem. We kept it from everyone for as many years as possible and then at rangers it all ended up in the open and it was easier when it was because people just accepted it and moved on. I always believed that she didn't know she was being so hard on me but her confessing it to me has made me think even more about it. Maybe she wanted to be hard on me so I would leave and she wouldn't have to see me in that capacity or maybe she just did it to make me stronger as a person. I don't know her reasoning but I'm scared if I find out it will just make things even worse between us.

When my Dad got meningitis and was rushed to hospital I was left with my Granddad by myself and I was a complete mess. My mum had given me a list of people to ring like my sister, brother and my mum's best friend. But no the first person I rang was Heather she didn't really speak to me and she was no help. I also rang my friends back who were at a party at the other side of town. An hour later I had a group of 6 of them on my doorstep trying to look after me. What did I get from her one phonecall 3 days later cos she wanted to know if my sister's wedding was still going to go ahead. I was only 15 and I had overheard something someone had said at the house and I knew he was in a critical state and it was touch and go for the first 48 hours. My mum was with my dad and I had to be at home with my granddad to let people know what was happening. I rang her because I needed her and she wasn't there. The same thing happened when my granddad died I rang her because I needed her and she was no where to be seen. My parents got a card from her later that week sending her sympathies and apologising she wouldn't be at the funeral as she was going away.

The morning of the overdose she was the person I rang cos I needed help and didn't know where to go and as she is a nurse I thought she would know. You would think when a 16 year old asks you where do you go if someone has taken an overdose, that an alarm would be going off or something to figure out if it was one of my friends or if it was me. When I was at the hospital she was the person I asked them to phone cos I thought she would be there and help me tell my parents what had happened. Well she came to the hospital and basically had a huge go at me which was understandable but that was it. And I can understand her not wanting to be there as I had fucked up and hurt so many people with what I had done. She told me that I had hurt so many people and that if I ever start to feel that bad to tell someone and that she would always be there. Well I asked for her help 3 weeks ago and we all know the ending of that.

For so many years it has always been the same when she wants to see me I have to be there but when I need her or need to see her she never has the time. I told her once how I felt and then we just got into a huge fight with me being the bad person at the end of it. After that I have never wanted to tell her how I felt about our relationship since. From about the age of 16 she has always told me that there is a room for me at her house. When everything came out about my parents leaving she told me I could move in with her and stay with them for Christmas and holidays etc. But about 6 weeks ago I got the truth she told me I can help you with all the practical things like driving you to university and storing your extra stuff. I can also come up and see you and take you out for meals and stuff. She has also decided to give me a laptop. All things I don't want or need, I need people who are going to be like my family to me and if there is a problem I can phone them and they would be there-which I have found out she won't be. She always seems to shower me with presents and take me out for meals and drinks etc. But she doesn't get it I don't want her money. She asked me this year what I wanted for my birthday and I told her I just want to be able to spend some time with you by ourselves doing whatever even if it just means sitting down and having a chat that would of been good enough for me. Instead she decides she has to take me out to an expensive restaurant and go out for drinks, even though I couldn't even drink.

She seems to think that she knows me so well when she hasn't got a damn clue. She thinks she knows how I feel about going uni and my parents leaving-she hasn't got a clue. She doesn't know what I need anymore and I wish I had never asked her to be my godmother. I'm meant to be going to her place next Friday to cook a meal for her and her husband but I don't even want to go anymore. She is making me avoid going to rangers because I can't deal with seeing her the whole time.

I wish I could break the tie between us because at the moment it just seems to be an entirely hurtful and negative relationship. I know the whole thing isn't all her fault and it has a hell of a lot to do with me as well. But I think the blame of this whole thing does lie with me the day I asked her to be my godmother 8 years ago. If I could go back and change it I would but that's the joy of hind sight.

The summer has finally arrived

This weekend has been one of those long weekends where you get nothing done that you had planned. My sister and her hubby came down for the weekend as it was fathers day yesterday. I think this weekend was good but I don't really now, I just seemed to walk along in it with everyone telling me what to do and last night I was laying in my bed thinking where did "my" weekend go? They had theirs but where was mine.
Yes I love my family very much but it just bugs me at times that they think I will always fit in with their plans. I had revision to do this weekend for my final exam on Wednesday- did I get to do that? No! I have 13 days now to finish making faye's wedding present, I am not even half way through it but did I get to that? No!
In the end I just seemed to be following behind all of them being told what I was doing. Doing the first bbq of the summer but I got to play with fire so that wasn't so bad. I think the top of the iceberg yesterday was we had told dad he could have whatever he wanted to eat as it was fathers day- so he chose homemade pizza and greek salad. With the heat at over 30 degrees yesterday I spent over 2 and a half hours in a boiling hot kitchen with the oven on full blast making pizzas from scratch for the whole family. While they all swaned around doing whatever they wanted to do. My sister had agreed on Friday that she would help me do the meal- but oh no, she goes out shopping then comes back going I'm all hot and tired so I'm going to go into the garden and chill out with some ice tea. Was I allowed to do that? I think not!
Well anyway my dad liked his day and my brother rang him as well which made it even better. Maybe I should take it the weekend was a good weekend then. I don't know. Maybe I'm just being too selfish and when my family are here I should give everything up and do whatever it is they want to do.

My counsellor did ring me on Friday as I hoped she would, she still hasn't spoken to my doctor yet as he seems to be doing a good job of avoiding her. She asked me how my week had been and I couldn't tell her how much I had messed up that week. I have always been able to tell her anything before because I know she is the one person who won't judge me for it and I don't know why I didn't tell her because it is something I need to talk to someone about. Maybe it will now become one of those things that I just end up keeping to myself and never telling anyone.

My sister this weekend made some comment to me that is now stuck in my head and for some reason I can't get rid of it. When she arrived on Friday I was up in my room listening to music and singing along like I do. I never even heard her come in and she just says to me- "how many times have you listened to that album this week since I gave it to you?" I reply -"2/3 times." She just looks in shock at me and asks me if I'm being serious. Yes I was being serious. And then the comment comes out- "How do you do it? I give you an album with every song on it you have never heard before. You listen to the whole thing 2/3 times and now you can sing along to it knowing all the words. You always seem to do that but I want to know why? You seriously are a very strange/'special' sister." I never have even noticed that I do it, up until she listens to me without me knowing she is there and she figures it out. I don't know why I keep thinking about it but I do. I think from now on I have to play my music a little quieter so I can here when people are coming within ear shot. Or even safer I just don't sing anymore-now that would be the safest option for everyone.

The adrenaline has stopped

Well I have had my exam this morning and it was an evil paper!! I blagged my way through most of the child paper, making up studies as I went along and by the sounds of it I wasn't the only person who did it either. And the essay question on cultural factors that affect child peer relationships- what the hell?!!!! Serious waffling happened there with lots of blagging, here's hoping I got some sort of marks.
I'm not the only one who hated the paper either and my friends have the same attitude as me about it. But we seem to be the peeps who are older than the rest of them or who are retaking the year like I am. The rest of our group just don't seem to understand that this is our last chance, if we don't get the marks we don't go to uni. They can retake next year but it's not possible for us, we have to start paying stupid amounts of money to do the course next year just cos we are over 19.GRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The only good thing about the exam though was that we had a really cute avigilator. Faye and me were joking before hand saying lets hope we have a cute avigilator cos it will make it less painful and we walk in the room and there he was- WOOHOO!!!!! It was so funny he seemed really intimidated by the fact that he was stuck in a room with 15 girls who were all thinking-hmmm we have some good eye candy happening here. He seemed so relieved when it was all over. One of my mates said to me afterwards you should of taken the other paper just to be able to sit in a room looking at him for another 90 minutes. But however cute he was I couldn't deal with that torture of sitting another paper.
Oh I also found out today that one of my friends is receiving an award next week for high academic achievement so we have decided we will suffer through the torture together. But faye had told her about I about 2 months ago and told her not to tell me cos she wanted to tell me herself. Well she never told me and she thought she had. But I also found out the torture of the award ceremony gets worse as faye has to write a bit about us to be read out before we get given this award- THIS IS MY WORST NIGHTMARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Especially as I found out what the award is for, apparently is for students who have extenuating circumstances but still try to achieve at that subject. Which basically means, meg its taken you 3 years to do a 2 year course, you might still fail the course but at least you tried. oh what a wonderful award to be looking forward to be getting!! I wish I had never agreed to go now-RAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Time for a power nap and then fill up on more caffeine before going shopping for an outfit for faye's wedding-grrrrrr!!!! Could this day get any worse even if it tried!

Dreading exams

Tomorrow I have my penultimate psychology exams, child psychology and research methods. I think it will be ok, well I'm hoping it will be ok anyway. As long as tonight I can finally get my head round Bowlby's Attachment theory and remember all the ethics for research on humans & animals, I think it will be ok. But it will all be over by 10.45am tomorrow morning. So I know have under 11 hours to cram before I enter the evil exam room. So tonight I think will be lots of caffeine and lots of mind maps and essay plans. Sleep is not an option right now but I can crash out after I get back from the exam.

I'm really hacked off right now because my mobile has officially died and I was meant to be getting a phonecall from my counsellor this evening. This is just my luck, the night I hopefully might be getting some answers and some help my flippin phone dies! I'm just hoping I can get it fixed tomorrow, or borrow another handset from a friend and hope she tries phoning me again tomorrow night. So much for things working themselves out.

"What I am to you is not what you mean to me..."

It's time to try and move on from him. I know now that he doesn't feel the same way about me as I do about him. So that is that. Time to finally try and get over him, maybe after 2 years it might be possible to start doing it now. I need to put it all into perspective and stop holding out that something will happen between us. Because it's obvious to me now that it will never happen.

I will just be the friend like always and hope that he will never figure out how I felt about him.

The shock in the post

Well this morning was like every morning until the post arrived. Where I had a letter from college asking me to attend a Celebrations Evening next week. As my course leaders - Faye &Ali have chosen me to be awarded with The Endeavour Award for Psychology. I showed the letter to my parents and they seemed really happy. My mum shocked me with her reaction though cos she said to me "It says on here that you can take 2 guests, does this mean that you will actually allow me and dad to come with you?" I couldn't believe that she said that, and that I have made them feel like I wouldn't let them come to this.
But to be honest I am still in complete shock that they chose me, I know so many other people on my courses who deserve this award so much more than me. I think an in depth conversation with faye will be coming soon, cos I would like to know why they chose me.I think they are totally off their heads for choosing me, maybe the wedding stuff has made her judgment go wonky. Who knows!!!
Well on another note my friend can't come with me to the wedding after all cos she is going to Barbados, so looks like I am going by myself. This could be an interesting day ahead of me.

Friendship part 2

Well it’s happened yet again, I relied on someone too much and because of that I have pushed them away. I should have seen it coming, why would anyone want to have to deal with me right now? I don’t even want to deal with me right now. I sucked too much energy and time from them and because of that I am loosing them. I should of learnt by now that the only person I can ever be dependent on in this life is me.
I have realised that our friendship has been one sided for such a long time, I really am a shit friend!
I should never of told anyone what is going on with me. I should of kept it all to myself and just dealt with it. I shouldn’t have told anyone else and put my burdens on them.

Why do people need enemies when they have a supposed “friend” like me?

Friendship

Tonight I was meant to be at rangers but I couldn't face it. I don't need the girls picking up even more that there is a problem right now. I also couldn't face seeing heather again and sitting there for nearly 2 hours being all smiley and happy and pretending that everything was fantastic. I don't have the energy to keep that mask up right now.
I have realized today how much of a crap friend I am being to everyone right now. I forgot my oldest friend's exam results on Friday. I nearly forgot my friends birthday 2moro until she told me 2nite when it is. I'm seeing my closest friend from college for the first time in nearly 4 weeks 2moro. I'm meant to be organizing Faye's hen night with my other lecturer but haven't even made a start on it yet and have left it up to Ali. One of my friends in Sweden has had huge problems with her work and I haven't been there for her. I am letting everyone down right now and I don't know how to fix it.
Yet again I have let everyone down, how much is this everything repeating itself again.

Sleep

The sweet essence of sleep. Well it finally happened like I thought it would, my body would give up and let me sleep. Well after pretty much 3 weeks with little or no sleep I finally got a whole 8 hours sleep lastingly-woohoo!!!!!!!!!!! But I now feel even worse than when I wasn't sleeping cos my body just wants sleep continuously now. I am hoping that soon my body will become normal again even if I'm not normal.

Agony aunt

When I was at school I had a huge group of friends and we were all really close all 16 of us. But somehow over the years I ended up being the agony aunt type person of the group. Any of them who had any kinda problem always seemed to come to me. Why I don't know?! It's not like I have all the answers and they always wanted my advice and I never knew whether what I was saying was right.
Well anyway a few weeks ago one of the few people I have kept into touch from school texted me cos he had a really shitty evening being with his ex etc. And I replied and tried to make him feel a bit better about it. Then a couple of days later I spoke to him and he thanked me for what I said. I didn't think I had actually done anything but hey ho.
When I left school my closest friend there gave me a letter as she was the only one who knew I was leaving at this point. In it there was a poem and she wrote that whatever happened, wherever we were, she would always be there. At the time I just thought it was words, and I kept thinking like that for a long time. Then just before I spent my summer in Canada we had a huge argument and didn't speak for just under a year. I ended up doing one of pieces of research for sociology at my school. And it was then I bumped into her and it was like nothing had ever happened. From then we have kept in touch, it hasn't been steady contact with just a few messages here and there. But a few months ago we started keeping in touch properly, and it seemed to be exactly when she started having problems with her boyfriend. Well lastnight we ended up on the phone for 2 hours cos she had just had a really shitty night with her boyfriend. We haven't spoken like that for 2 years and it was literally like we had always been this close and nothing had ever happened over the years.
She said thanked me as well, and yet again I was like what are you thanking me for? She told me that you always seemed to be there and you always seem to know the right thing to say. I don't get it!! I've never been in a 2&1/2 year relationship, I always seem to fuck up every relationship I'm in. Why would I know what to do or say?
We also got talking about my other friend and that he got in touch with me, and I asked her why she think he did that? She told me that well if he is like me, you were always there in the past and knew what to say and do and most of the time it worked itself out they way you said it would. So coming back to you seems the right thing to do. But I don't think it's the right thing to do! I mean I can't even tell a guy how I feel about him. I can't even sort myself out right now. I don' have the same experiences as them, I don't feel comfortable about dishing out advice anymore cos I don't think I have the right answers.
well anyway after we got off the phone lastnight I found the letter she gave me stuck in my year book. And I re-read it and it wasn't just words anymore. It was true we always seem to be there when we need each other, however long we haven't spoken to each other in between time.
Hmm I don't know it's just all a bit bizarre right now.

Well I spoke to my counsellor this evening and the outcome was actually quite interesting. But I will write about it when I get home tomorrow cos right now I'm quite drunk and just can't be arsed.
Being drunk and the numb feeling going with it is amazing right now. All I need now is a spliff and a fire and I would be a very happy bunny.

he he - the joy of spell checker

Where to go from here

Well with everything hitting a head things have changed. As of this morning I have been withdrawn from my clinical and criminal exam next Friday. Which faye actually thought was a good plan so I didn't have any problems doing that but it also means that if I mess up my other 2 exams I won't be going to university.
I spoke to my doctor this morning and right now I want to punch his lights in. He has decided that I am not depressed and just suffering from anxiety and tension. And that I need to talk things out. But my counsellor can't see me now for 4/5 weeks so what am I meant to do? Just sit here feeling worse day by day. So I asked him why he won't give me medication again and he decided that he doesn't trust me that I won't do something "stupid" with them. Does he not think though that if I wanted to do something"stupid" I could get hold of other medication and do it anyway! And the longer I stay feeling like this the more likely that prospect could happen. Because I don't know how many more times I can fight those urges anymore.
So me being me was just getting completely pissed off by this point, and asked him what he classifies symptoms of someone being depressed. So every single thing he listed I am feeling and going through right now. And I have told him, but it just shows he doesn't listen. So I ended up having an arguement with him cos I'm sick of this. How come my lecturer can figure see what is happening, my friends in other fucking countries can see what is happening, and my family can see it. But he can't?!! And he is the one who is meant to be trained to spot these things!!
I have now hit a wall with him now and don't know how I am going to get past it. I have completely broken down in front of him, now had an argument with him and still he doesn't get it. What the hell has to happen before he will realize I need him to help me...
I rang my mom this morning and told her what he had said, and she has the same thinking. What will it take for him to understand I need help and we both thought the same thing and it wasn't a good thing to happen for him to realize it.
I am speaking to my counsellor this evening and I'm going home tomorrow. Who knows what will happen from here, but right now I can't see a path ahead. I just want someone to understand what is happening and give me the help I need right now.

dead squirrel

I woke up this morning realy badly, I was woken up from a dream by the my phone ringing. But that dream i didn't want to wake up from. I can't believe this dream got to me so much, I was actually crying in my sleep. That can't be right?! But I wish my dream was true. Even thinking about it now, it's brings a lump to my throat. I wish I could just go back to sleep and keep living that dream over and over again.

There is so much i wnat to write about right now but I don't know how to get it down in words. These last couple of days have been so heavy, I have realised so much about myself which just scares the crap out of me. I've also been finding out the truth of what people really think baout me when I'm like this. And how fucked up everyone is figuring out I am.

Maybe I will write about it later, maybe I won't. I don't think anyone reading this needs to know how fucked up I really am, cos they will of already figured it out.

explanation of this weekend

Ok so it started Friday night, For another night I got absolutely no sleep and just spent the whole night sobbing my heart out. It was a bad, bad night.
Anyway Saturday morning I had a bad, bad feeling that my sister and her hubby would show up out of the blue that day and do the wonderful, aren't we so brilliant we have just come back from Canada!
So yeah at about 1pm, a car pulls up, then our gates open and there they are. As soon as I heard her voice I just broke. Well anyway I tried to get myself sorted so they would think I'm ok. And I thought I had timed it so I could get to the bathroom without anyone seeing my face as I knew they would know I had been crying. Well it didn't happen mum saw my face, asked me if I was ok cos I looked like I had been crying. Well of course I said I was fine but then just couldn't stop sobbing. So I stayed in the bathroom until I had got myself together and I thought my mum had gone, but she was waiting outside the bathroom door. She just looked at me and said what is wrong? And then I just broke into tiny pieces. We ended up talking for a bit then my sister came in and I asked if I could stay at her's for a bit just to get away. I also told her how crap my doctor had been and that I can't see my counsellor. So she is phoning her counsellor and trying to get her to see me.
Maybe this means I might be able to get some help at last. Maybe someone can do something or give me something to stop me feeling like this. Well that's what I am hoping anyway.
So Saturday night I went back to my sisters place. I don't know how long I am going to be up here for, most probably until Wednesday or Thursday. They don't really understand what is wrong and I'm having to be all happy around them which doesn't help.
But I had to tell heather what happened cos I won't be at rangers tonight. And the reaction I got was well take care. My faith in that woman redeeming herself in my eyes has just disappeared. Looks like I am really figuring out who I can actually count on when things get tough and I now know she isn't one of them.
The only thing which would make things better right now is to get some actual sleep, like 6-8 hours worth of it but it hasn't happened so far. But I am hoping if my body wants sleep I will eventually get it.

Oh how peachy everything is right now

Things have been really bad this weekend and still I am finding hard to explain it. I am now up at my sister. Yes you read it right I am at my sisters who I do not get on with at all right now. And right now for the first time in weeks I actually feel safe to be alone through the night.
I will explain it all tomorrow when I get on here and post privately while they are at work and I don't have them looking over my shoulder. I don't have the energy right now to go and try and explain it all again.
The shit has hit the fan and now I am seeing what will happen next...

The black sheep

I am so flippin' angry right now. Since my sister got back yesterday all my parents talk about whenever they see me, is what she did on her trip and how brilliant it is about her moving to Canada with them etc.
They then asked me the question of what did the post from salford uni say? So I told them it had my term dates etc in it about everything I need to sort before I get there. My dad then patted me on the head like I was a pathetic little animal. My mother then decided to tell me, well you decided not to let us go to the see the university etc. To which point I nearly lost it, I told them if they gave me a date they wanted to go up there I would ring the uni etc and sort it out. But they showed no interest in it what so ever so I didn't push it.
And today it has finally clicked, the reason why they have showed no interest in any of it. the havent wnated to see where I am going to be living for the next 3 years. They dont want to talk about the necessary finances etc. It's all becuase they think i will end up going with them. They think that if they don't talk about it I won't be interested in it anymore and follow the "wonderful" example of my sister &her hubby and go with them.
So guess who is now the black sheep of the family?!
I may not like what they are doing but at least i am supporting them. For god's sake I'm even helping do up the house for it to be put on the market at the end of this month. I haven't told them what is happening with me because I don't wnat it to stop them going, or make it harder for them to leave. I am supporting them 100% and why can't they just support my desiscion.
Just because I'm not following them why can't they be happy for me like they were happy for my brother when he left for canada? Why is this such a fight to do everything right now?!

Repercussions of rangers

Well I actually got 4 hours sleep last night it was a big achievement - WOOHOO!!!
But got woken up this morning by the wonderful text from heather. Just the start to my day that I didn't need. I texted and told heather last night that I didn't need to stay at hers after all on Monday. The reply I got this morning was
"I'm glad you feel like you don't need to stay."
With reactions like that I'm glad I didn’t tell her what has been happening. If one of my rangers can pick up that something is wrong this is not what I need.
I had a phone call from my counsellor this morning and she cant fit me in for at least 3/4 weeks. So the question is where do I go from here now..

Rangers

Tonight I thought was going to be a good night at rangers. And for most of it, it really was good. I thought Helen (one of the other ranger leaders) was going to be a bit shitty with me. But no it was all good, we had a great chat and it was all good. I had a good laugh with the girls. But then Heather(my godmother) showed up.
She was just a total bitch towards me. She was lovely, nice as pie with everyone else. Then when we going back to start the bbq, I ended up in a room with her by myself and she was just really pissy and said so you want to stay monday night then. She was so aggressive and pissed off with me, I knew at that moment she didn't want me to stay. She also decided to tell me that I could only stay over night rather than a few days. We were then left by ourselves at the bbq. She couldn't say a single word to me. We just stood there in silence.
So I'm not going to stay at hers. I can't plain and simple. I thought I could trust her and she would understand what was happening with me and give me some of the support I actually need right now. Oh f*cking no she couldn't do that. That would be too much like hard work. But I know when I tell her I'm not going to stay, I will get the lecture of your hurting people again. Your being a selfish bitch again etc. I need help and support right now and there is no where left to turn. I just give up, I can't do this fight anymore.

Yet another shitty night behind me. Yet another night full of being awake. Another morning feeling like I have a hangover without even drinking an alcohol. Trying to hide all of this from my parents is getting harder. My mother decided to inform me lastnight that the black circles under my eyes were getting worse every day. She then decided to come into my room at 3 am and say to me, your still awake?! I think she finally understands now when I say it is normal now for me not to sleep. My dad came down stairs this morning and was like-what are you doing up? You should be asleep, then my parents decided to talk between themselves and figure out I'm not sleeping. So I am waiting for the lecturers to begin, they decided lastnight becuase I wasn't eating something has to be wrong, on top of not sleeping as well. My patience levels are running lower every day and if they start the lecturing and questioning I don't know how long I am going to be before I snap. But I can't snap! They can't know what is going on but it's harder to hide this every day.
It was so good this morning my head hurt so much that my brain just seemed to shut down for an hour. Which was so good. But then wham when the pain was fading and my head went back into over drive again.
I have been trying to figure out what is different about this time to last time cos at least time I was coping in some sort of way. Now I just seem to be crumbling, quicker and quicker. Last time I still had some sort of faith/belief to hang on to. That isn't there anymore. I don't know but I wish I did.
I'm hoping after rangers tonight I should actually be able to get some sleep. Because I can't keep fighting with myself to get through to the morning. I don't want to feel completely and utterly alone. That no one understands me. I don't want to keep feeling like a burden on everyone. I want the pain which is aching inside me to stop. I want the crying to stop, I want the mental torture which goes on in my head to go. I just want to be normal for one night and get some sleep and not want to end it all.
If anyone is reading this and it makes any sort of sense to them they are doing better than me. I'm even finding hard to write and form proper sentences now. So much for my successful revision this week.

Last night

I never want another night like lastnight. I don't think I can cope with more nights like that. Not sleeping I can deal with, the anxiety attacks I can deal with I guess but the rest I can't.
A friend told me if I ever needed to talk to her day or night to call her, well I needed to call her but l couldn't. My mother decided that she was gonna stay down stairs where the phone was so I couldn't ring her. I can't cope with feeling that bad. I thought this morning that it was a new day and everything would be ok. How wrong was I, I'm just getting further and further down, and it is speeding up more and more. I want to get out of this spiral but I don't even know how to anymore.
I think the only good thing about lastnight was that I made it through to this morning.
I have become far too dependent on 2 people, firstly I feel bad for always dumping everything on them. The other problem is that neither of them live in the same country as me. There is no-one I can tell here what is actually going on. I have tried to talk to my godmother but she doesn't get it. I can't tell my parents, my mates who I could tell are all at uni. Then there is faye I wish I could tell her, she knows things are getting bad again but I don't want to dump all my crap on her as she is so happy with her wedding in 4 weeks time.
I just want to feel better and happier and I don't know how much longer I can cope feeling this bad anymore.